- 4 years ago
It has been suggested to me by friends and my fiance that I would be a lot happier if I would cut off contact with my parents because they are emotionally abusive. I feel like I should first explain some of my family background. My parents are very well off and have been their entire adult lives. When my parents were married at 20 years old, they already had a nice brick home and enough money rolling in to allow my mom to finish college and a graduate school without having to have a job. Fast forward to current day and they both have already retired early and own multiple homes together. They are very well set up and can vacation several times per year, some of those being overseas.
Because life has nearly always gone smoothly for them, they expected the same of my siblings and I. We were all supposed to go to a top university, graduate on time, get a high paying job, buy a “starter home” that’s worth more than most peoples forever home, get married to an equally impressive specimen and start a family. Maybe also get a graduate degree on the side if we can find the time. Simple, right? Well…not for me!
I did well in school and got into a great university. I graduated on time and got a job, but not one with amazing pay. I found an amazing guy, a doctor, and we’re engaged. We are still renting, as he has student debt and my job isn’t exactly making it rain. Also, our wedding date will mean I’m getting married when I’m 30. *gasp* Due to my age and lack of income, my parents have essentially given up any hope of us having kids. They even go so far as to suggest that maybe we’ll never own our own home because we’re already so far behind in earning potential.
These sorts of comments really drag me down. They can’t have a 5 minute conversation with me without bringing up how my choices (like getting a degree that doesn’t lead to a big salary) have ruined my life. I should just give up now! The stress has caused me to gain some weight, so they also call me out every time I see them to tell me how I need to fix myself to look how I used to – even comparing my weight to my siblings. (The appearance critiques don’t stop at weight, they also try to tell me what color my hair should be and how I should dress.)
When my fiance and I started planning our wedding, we wanted to be practical due to our financial situation. However, my parents kept wanting us to add on more and more extravagant options. While nice, we don’t have the money for it…but they insisted on paying for our wedding so we went along with it. However, now that the final estimate is in they are backtracking and saying that they only want to give me the same amount that they paid for my brother’s rehearsal dinner. Obviously a rehearsal dinner is a lot less than a whole fancy wedding. Now I don’t know what to do. If we have to pay for most of the wedding, then it will have to get a lot cheaper which means my family will hate it. Plus, I’m kinda angry that they had us pick an expensive venue and decide on so many details knowing we could never even consider them.
I’ve had more conversations than I can count over the last 10 years with them, trying to make them understand how terrible they make me feel and how we could have a better relationship if they’d stop putting so much pressure on me from unrealistic expectations. They will go so far as to acknowlege that they treat me badly but excuse it as them trying to steer my life in the right direction. I’m frustrated and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m considering just eloping without them and let that be the end of it.