(Closed) Is it time to cut my parents out?

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
17 posts
Newbee

OP, plan the wedding the way you want. Don’t share details of the wedding with them. When they criticise, change the subject or stop the conversation if you’re on the phone. They do sound toxic and very draining. My mother and sister are like this and I’m slowing realizing (mind you, with therapy lol) that I have control over how involved they are in my life. They are still my family, but I’m sadly realizing we’ll never exactly be friends. Surround yourself with those who support you and brush the criticize away. 

Post # 3
Member
543 posts
Busy bee

I say elope. If my DH would have went along with it, that’s what we would have done. However, we are very close with my family so immediate family would have been there.

I don’t ever think that you should cut your parents out of your life completely, but I do think sometimes you should close the door and just leave a window cracked.haha I would not involve them in any more of the wedding plans. If they are as smart as they seem to be then they know very well that a reherseal dinner and wedding will not cost near the same and to even suggest it is ridiculous. I also don’t think parents should have to pay for the wedding, but since they offered its an entirely different thing. I say go for the elopement, live your life the way you want to, and don’t worry about what your parents think. I get really irritated with people who correlate happiness with monetary means. If you are happy that is all that matters- and it’s none of their business what number is on your scale, or how much money is in your bank account. 

Post # 4
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Happiness and success isn’t measured by how much you earn and what you have. Obviously if your parents don’t know any life different then they will never change, just let them take a back seat- plan the wedding you want. Don’t ever believe whatever they tell you about being a failure or whatever they believe, it sounds like you are happy and have a great relationship which is the most important. 

Post # 5
Member
2797 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

I’d be cutting them out.  What good do they bring to your life?  Plan and pay for the wedding you and your fiance want to have, and don’t take their money because it comes with major strings attached.

If you can’t quite bring yourself to cut them out completely, what about a time out?  Take six months with no contact and see how you feel – you will probably find that your life is a thousand times better without their continual dragging you down.  If you are happier without them in your life, then extend the time out.  If you take this approach, I’d suggest a text message or e-mail – in writing, whatever you do – saying “mom and dad, due to your continual terrible treatment of me, I am taking a break from our relationship.  Do not contact me – if I decide that I am ready to continue our relationship I will contact you.   Any attempt to contact me will result in an extension of this break.”  Don’t put a timeframe on it when you communicate the time out to them though.  Then put a filter on your e-mail so that it sends any messages from them to a folder so you don’t have to read them, get an app for your phone that does the same thing for calls and texts, block them on social media and enjoy the peace.

Post # 6
Member
4843 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If they’re willing to acknowledge that they have been unkind I think there’s some hope that they may be capable of stopping their bad behaviour. This is said not knowing the depth of their emotional abuse so forgive me if I’m out to lunch on the severity of it. I think it would be worth drawing the line and making boundaries. If they’re not willing to respect that then I would tell them the consequences. I personally wouldn’t go no contact without giving them an opportunity to adjust their behaviour just based on what you’ve said but I don’t know them obviously so sorry if I’m missing the mark. This being said I am NC with my nmom and some family.!

Post # 7
Member
474 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
forestberries :  first of all your parents will never change. They have their set way of thinking and they’re very blunt. Some parents just choose not to express their opinion if their kids stand firm. 

I think what’s upsetting is that your parents chose all these extravagant options for you and now theyre choosing not to fund it all the way. I would elope. but I would not cut off the parents. Eloping will be a way to draw the boundaries between yourself and your parents. Good luck! 

Post # 9
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Ugh. Your parents sound like outright snobs. I’m so sorry they have put you in this position, but it sounds like they are set in their ways. Don’t accept their offer of contributing to the wedding and do what you and Fiance want to do. You’ve clearly got your head screwed on, and are making choices within your financial boundaries. They should be proud of a daughter like that, but of course, it’s of no consequence to them because money isn’t a ‘thing’ for them. 

I agree with PPs who have said not to cut them out, that in itself opens a whole new can of worms. You can however take a step back from them and be independent. They have treated you horribly and messed you about in terms of what they said they would provide- why would they go back on that and deliberately leave you struggling with venue costs etc? Is that supposed to teach you some sort of lesson? 

You’re 30. Take control with support from your Fiance, and politely but firmly tell them it’s your wedding and while you are grateful for the offer, you’d rather pay for the wedding yourselves but are happy for them to be part of it. If they hate what you have planned, they can make their own choices. 

Good luck, bee. 

Post # 10
Member
2370 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

No, not a full-on cut out of your parents completely. Just a surface relationship, Christmas cards, occasional visits, cordial communication. 

No deep conversations, you know how they are by now, steer it towards neutral topics. 

Post # 11
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I agree with @DanaWeddingGuest. They don’t sound abusive enough to warrant cutting them out of your life completely (and all that goes along with that), but I advise to keep it to just surface like seeing them for holidays and for their birthdays or something, and don’t share anything with them. Talk to them about the weather or their vacations or reality shows, things like that. All you can do at this point is accept them for the shallow, judgmental people they are and treat them as such.

Since they have changed their mind on paying for your entire wedding and what they want, I would also elope, or do the kind of wedding you want that you can afford on your own. 

Post # 12
Member
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

Absolutely agree with 

View original reply
DanaWeddingGuest . You need to learn how to establish boundaries and love from a distance. It’s not easy, but your life will be much less stressful with limited contact with them.

You are not a bad daughter. As adults, we realize that our parents are imperfect and in some situations, they cause us more harm than good.

As an adult, you get to choose to have limited contact with them.

Post # 13
Member
1250 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

You don’t mention a single positive thing they bring to your life, just abuse and judgment and criticism and broken promises.

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