Is it time to go?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
737 posts
Busy bee

I think it may have run its course. It seems like he’s never really been into the idea of marriage, or even pretended to be, which is his choice but there’s no use in you hoping this will change. Also it really seems like you have a personality clash happening, yes you could be more laid back and yes he could meet your need to plan half way, but really it shouldn’t be that hard. Sorry.

Post # 3
Member
348 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
beeanon92 :  I’m sorry you’re going through this bee, but nobody can answer that question for you. You need to do some really deep self reflection here. Are you unhappy and drifting apart because you want marriage and he won’t propose? If so, talk to him. Communicate and tell him how you’re feeling. Let him know you want to be engaged and married, and if it’s not something he can give you then you need to walk away.

If you’re unhappy in your relationship because of how the relationship is structured, you have 2 options. Bring up your concerns and tell him how you’re feeling. Ask for more date nights and trips. Tell him you want to do more things together. If he changes and keeps the behavior, then bring in the marriage talk. Your other option is to leave. I know it’s hard as you’ve been together along time, but if you don’t value the same things-marriage, going out together, etc-then it may be best to part ways instead of continuing to drag it out. 

I don’t think you need to make any rash decisions, but you shouldn’t continue down your current path much longer. If after 6.5 years he’s not ready to marry you, it may very well be time leave.

 

Post # 4
Member
7325 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Ask yourself if getting engaged at this point would make you happy or if you’d still be unhappy in the relationship.

From what you’ve described it sounds as if you are the only one making compromises. Is that the case? Because if he isn’t making any effort to at least meet you half way–willing to plan some things with you, discuss a timeline, etc. I can understand why you’d be resentful and consider that the two of you are just not compatible. 

Post # 5
Member
304 posts
Helper bee

If he proposed today, would you marry him?

Post # 7
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee

Here’s what I did when I was facing a similar dilemma in a prior relationship. I put a calendar on the wall and every day that I felt unhappiness due to my relationship, I marked an X. At the end of the month, there were like 23 X’s or something. I was spending more than half of my time UNHAPPY and it was because of my relationship. That visual representation of how unhappy I’d become was the wake up call I needed.

Yes, there were some good things about the relationship – when it was good, it had been really good – but I couldn’t deny reality anymore. It was bad way more often than not, and this was no way to live. Like, a relationship shouldn’t be the source of your problems – it should be a source of comfort, security, and joy when everything else is crashing down right? Mine was the opposite. I eventually left, and my only regret is not doing so way sooner.

I suspect your relationship has reached a similar point, but only you can decide that. Good luck bee.

Post # 9
Member
1799 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you know the answer deep down, bee.

It sounds like you are incredibly unhappy and you have already expressed that to him. You told him you want to get married and move forward 6 months ago and he’s done nothing about the situation. In fact, ever since that discussion you say things are rocky. And 2 months ago it took you almost breaking up for him to realize how bad things were?

I can’t believe how patient you have been and can’t imagine how resentful you must feel. You waited four years after looking at rings! And he still can’t give you an answer. That is your answer, bee. 

Shame on him for just going along with what you said about wanting marriage and not being honest with you 6 months ago. If he doesn’t want to get married then fair enough but it’s wrong of him to let you think he intends to eventually marry you when that doesn’t seem to be the case. While he did say in the beginning he was skeptical of marriage, that was years and years ago. He had a lot of time to let you know what his intentions were as the relationship evolved.

I don’t see how this will result in a happy marriage. You guys sound like you have had to make a lot of compromises for the sake of keeping the relationship and it’s making you both miserable so that alone may be enough to call it.

im sorry bee 

 

Post # 10
Member
13048 posts
Honey Beekeeper

The first thing to remember is that what you see is what you get. People, as a rule, don’t change. It’s the exception, not the rule. Given that, are you willing to spend the rest of your life with someone you may not have dated for long had you met as a mature adult, as opposed to barely out of your teen years? I think this essentially comes down to compatibility. You can love someone, but not be right together. The time invested to date is nothing compared to the many years ahead. You have no ties and you are still young. 

The fact that he’s dragged his heels on a proposal for so long is really besides the point. Maybe he’s done you a favor. What do you want and where do you see your life taking you? 

What you describe does not sound like a “spontaneous” guy, rather a person who is oppositional and unwilling to commit to anything at all, even a simple evening’s plans. And not just occasionally, but all the time. I know I couldn’t live that way. 

Post # 11
Member
444 posts
Helper bee

I hate to say it, but you are confusing timelines & history with compatibility.  Just because you’ve been together for a long time and have a path in mind for your life doesn’t mean he’s the one.  Please don’t make this all-too-common mistake.

Forget for a moment about time, either past or future, and instead really focus on him, and you, and whether you really “work”, at your best AND at your worst.

 Think about 30 years of not going on dates or planning your evenings or whatever it is that’s important to you.  Eventually that will wear thin.  Understand that how he is now is how he will be. Never….repeat, never….go into marriage thinking about how great it will be once he finally changes this one thing….

True compatibility (not just “we get along fine”, I mean really in sync) is gold.  Please want that for yourself.  I get it, nobody is excited about having to start over after investing years, but please trust me on this.  Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
940 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

What is there to say? You have three options either ask him to stop wasting your time and marry you Because you are deserving of marriage.

or realize the time you invested is too precious to leave the guy and continue with the limbo of being his forever gf

or break up with him and find yourself 

it won’t be easy but take a stand for yourself. Stop waiting for him to wait for you to make a move.  be clear and vulnerable who cares what will happen this guys I suppose to know you through and through the worse outcome is break up which you are already contemplating. Just go for it 

Post # 13
Member
5785 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

 Marriage won’t change anything about him. He will still the the same guy and you’ll still have the same feelings. How is therapy going?

Post # 14
Member
1140 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

It sounds like the relationship has run its course. After 6.5 years, you feel the relationship is not in a good enough spot to accept a proposal. That alone is really telling. A relationship is not going to fix itself, and you say that he’ll make a little change, if at all, then revert back. 

Once you’re out of this dead end, you’ll feel liberated. You have the insight to recognize exactly what is wrong with your relationship. The one thing you didn’t articulate is he’s taking you for granted. After trying on rings, talking about timelines, you’re still in the same spot. You also have some key incompatibilies. You’re a planner, he’s not. You want quality time, that’s your love language, he is mediocre about meeting your need for special date time. This won’t change with marriage.

Good luck, Bee

 

Post # 15
Bee
5097 posts
Bee Keeper

I doubt that you would need therapy if you had left this man months ago. You say how close you are, but you seem to have trouble articulating the fact that you’re tired of waiting around for YEARS while he decides if he wants to marry you. You have rightly discerned that his inaction is proof that marriage with you is not important to him. Because of this you are now seeing flaws in his makeup – and he doesn’t sound spontaneous, he sounds like a bore.

Face it –  you can’t look at him the same way you used to. Your love for him is damaged beyond repair. You know in your brain that it’s time to leave him, but you’ve invested all those years and you keep telling yourself he’s really great, even as you slide into depression. Good men are not some rare commodity. Be brave and move on. You’ll be glad you did; I was.

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