Is it time to go?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 62
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

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@beeanon92:  You’re very welcome! I  feel like when you watch a rom com its always that the main character suddenly realizes the person they’re with is a BAD person. But in real life there are lots of perfectly ok people who aren’t good together- as a unit they don’t bring out each other’s best. It can be so hard to walk away from that, because from the outside its like “oh this SHOULD work, you’re both good people”.

Also I think…surviving this kind of break up is good. Once you get through it and survive you’ll know that you can, and then it becomes easier to face getting what you ant from the next relationships. You won’t need 6 years next time to have the realizations you had this time around. You clearly have a lot of love to give someone, there’s going to be someone out there who is able to give back to you in the same way. It’s not wasted. Every person who has ever been through this kind of break up is like “well what if I walk away after putting in ALL THIS WORK and all this TIME and then nothing comes of it!”  But…something will come of it. You know you can stick out 6 years in a not right relationship, so you’ll be able to stick out decades in the right one.

You’re going to be ok. You’re going to be ok sooner than you think.

Post # 63
Member
22 posts
Newbee

Bee, you sound like a lovely person with a lot to give. You deserve the same back, and a relationship where you aren’t arguing most of the time.

Yes it will be hard initially but time is a great healer. Have you told him what you want and need from him to give him a chance to change or is it too late? While it’s hard people can change if they really want to. But if the relationship has run its course then the sooner he moves out the better xx

Post # 65
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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@beeanon92:  Lockdown complicates moving out if the law won’t allow you to leave your home.  HOWEVER, you shouldn’t be living like partners if you are breaking up.  You shouldn’t be sharing a bedroom.  No cuddling, no hand-holding.  There is nothing to talk about in a week except the logistics of moving. 

If you’re serious, you’ll use this time to handle the things you can handle from home:

  • splitting up/ closing various “adult” acounts such as utilities and bank accounts
  • closing down social accounts like streaming services you share
  • deciding who takes which home goods
  • deciding to mutually mute or unfriend each other on social media
  • explaining who gets custody of mutually visited places to avoid bumping into each other for a while (the gym, the coffee shop, favorite restaurants)
  • how you can split your space to live as roommates (one person could move into the living room you can have schedules for shared space), etc. 

 When lockdown lifts, you can be completely free of this relationship.  Or, you can leave Covid with no change and nebulous plans to “work on things”.  Of course he feels better with no expectations.  YOU’RE THE PERSON WHO HAS EXPECTATIONS THAT AREN’T BEING MET! 

You are in control of how much more of your life you spend watering a dead plant.

Post # 66
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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@coffeecakez:  I agree with this 100%. 

OP, if this is a break up, take some power back and treat it as one. I would suspect his agreement to break up and then talk about it for a week was a chance to have some peace and quiet without mention of relationship stuff from you, and then he’ll have “changed” for the “better”, and then, give it a week, and he’ll fall back into old patterns. That could become its own vicious cycle of longer breaks, etc. Don’t let that happen. 

Start splitting things up, moving things into separate rooms, and sleeping separately. You know the relationship isn’t working for you. A week’s break won’t have changed that. Be fair to him and to you– make it real. 

Post # 67
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Definitely move on! Lay the foundation now and be out when you find a new place. I’m in a place with lots of restrictions and moving is still allowed. Also if you don’t want to stay in the place you both share, I would still try and figure out a plan to move out and start looking, let people know you’re considering a move, check in with friends. You dont have to move sooner than you’re ready, but if people know you’re looking you might find something workable earlier than you think.

Post # 68
Member
22 posts
Newbee

Bee your partner doesn’t sound like he is invested enough in the relationship. I agree with the others start emotionally and physically distancing yourself. Dont pursue him in any way even for a discussion about the relationship. See what HE does after a week. If he makes no moves to salvage things after you have pulled away, the relationship is over. Right now he has more power it feels. Take your power back. This worked for me x

Post # 70
Member
22 posts
Newbee

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@beeanon92:  breaking up is hard and full of all sorts of emotions. I’ve been divorced and now just ended my engagement. 

But if you aren’t happy and your man isn’t willing to work on things as your are, where can the relationship go?  Believe me life is too short to be unhappy! 

Also, he soumds like he needs to take responsibility for himself. 

Can you get couples counselling? Otherwise it sounds like you are wasting your time.

Post # 71
Member
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

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@beeanon92:  Honey, the relationship has run its course and you know it. Just because the fighting has subsided because you’ve broken the tension by breaking up, doesnt mean that the situation between you has improved. If you allow him to talk you into getting back together you’ll be right back where you started at the beggining of this post and you’ll loose all the progress you’ve made. You deserve to be truly happy, with a man who wants the same things as you do and who wants the same kind of life as you. I know it can be tempting to stay in a relationship you feel you’ve already invested so much time into, because it feels like you’re loosing something that you’ve been working on for so long- however, the reality is that the only thing worse than wasting 5 years, is wasting 5 years and a day. Your problems essentially seem to be that you’ve grown into different people who want different things, and thats ok, but you have to leave so you can both be happy. 

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