Thank you bees for your responses!
I think you’re right about it bettering my self-esteem, I have done nothing but doubt myself for 2 days now.
Thank you so much for your reply, I am so sorry that you were ever in that situation but it makes me so happy to see that you are now in such a loving relationship that you deserve. I love seeing stories like this as it gives me hope. I really thought I would spend the rest of my life with my SO and that thought it really hard to shift, so this does give me hope that one day I can be happy again.
I think I have realised a lot more recently how hurtful and manipulative he can be. Thank you for your kind words.
That’s terrible to be in that position with your family, I am sorry to hear that <3 It’s lovely to hear about your husband though and such a long marriage, that gives me hope too. I would love nothing more than to be a person someone is proud to call their wife or mother. I think I need to focus more on it being a reflection of him rather than myself, that doesn’t come naturally to me but I know I need to shift some of the blame off myself when it isn’t all my fault.
You reply was wonderful to read, I really appreciate the time you’ve taken to write that for me. He can be so lovely to me, we have wonderful conversations and share the same sense of humour, we laugh a lot together and enjoy eachother’s company – that has just become less frequent. He has worked hard at keeping our house running, cleaning and maintaining as well as cooking each evening as I work full time and I am studying for my masters degree full time too. However you have pointed out something my therapist alos pointed out – a while ago I said we had had a good day together, she asked why and I said, because we didn’t argue. That shouldn’t be something I define as a good day, that should be the majority of the time. I do feel embarrassed walking away, I feel like I am giving up, I feel like I am betraying him to some extent, I have always felt like I need to take care of him and don’t want to stop doing so but I know I have to. You are so right about being lonely, I have felt so alone these past few months, and I shouldn’t feel so alone in a relationship.
I did and do want these things, I am terrified of starting over, if I still want a fmaily young I can’t afford to spend another 6 years with someone before taking those steps and that’s scary to me. I know it must be done though.
The past few days have been pretty upsetting, I cried for 12 hours on and off the first day and spent a lot of yesterday upset, I feel slightly better today though.
We have actually spent more time together these past few days which I find funny since that’s one of the issues we had!
We haven’t had a conversation that finalising him moving out yet but it will be coming I am sure.
I have been back and forth with my emotions, torn between doing more to work it out, I don’t want to throw away someone who means so much to me, but at the same time as soon as he raises his voice to me I know I don’t want to be spoken like that regularly.
I know I am being fearful and weak, I have never been in this situation before. I do have an online therapy session tonight which I am hoping will help me more.
Once again thank you all for your replies, they help so much! Love to all x