- 4 years ago
I posted on here about a year ago, and nothing has changed except I feel even worse. I have been with my boyfriend for four years (living together for three), and I first brought up marriage a little over two years ago. We’re both 33, and I told him from the start that I wanted marriage and children and wasn’t interested in dating someone for years. (But here we are.) When I first brought up marriage, he said he wasn’t ready, but about six months later he said he was ready to look at engagement rings. He told my first he would propose soon. That was almost two years ago and nothing. I usually bring up marriage about every three months and have heard every line from, “I was going to propose but you ruined the surprise” to “How do you know I don’t have a ring already?” to “We can’t talk about timelines because that would ruin the surprise.” (I know, I know, all red flags.) He told me to trust him (another red flag), but that’s getting harder and harder to do.
A couple weeks ago, I asked him again about at timeline, and he said he couldn’t give me one until we work on some thngs in our relationship. Some of the things he mentioned apparently had been bothering him for months, but he didn’t bring them up until I asked why he hasn’t proposed yet. I got upset but agreed to work on things. I then realized that I still didn’t have answer and that “some day when things are better” isn’t an answer and I shouldn’t have to do X Y and Z to have someone feel like they could marry me. (Nothing he wants to work on was anything crazy or anything we couldn’t manage.)
So I brought it up again that I can’t live with the uncertainty and how much it hurts to feel like I’m not good enough for him to marry. That I’m 33 and can’t wait another year or two because I want children (something I have said from the start and he agreed to). He told me I know what needs to change, but he can’t talk about a timeline until those things change. It’s so vague and I asked how he’s going to know that things are “good enough” or if he’ll ever think that we’re just not meant to be, but he couldn’t answer me. Our lease is up for renewal, so I told him that if he can’t give me a timeline, then I want my name removed from our lease. (Therefore freeing me of finanical responsibility from our apartment.) His response to that was, “If that’s what you want.” And hasn’t said anything else.
Part of me wants to believe that he wants to marry me, but I mostly realize that my feelings are important too, and that if he really wanted to be with me, he wouldn’t take four years to do or take me ring shopping two years ago without any result after that. When I bring up conversations about our future, he rolls his eyes and asks why we need to talk about it again – my feelings are so hurt and these past two years have really weighed me down. I want to be with someone who is excited to marry me (with my imperfections and all), not someone who makes me feel like I’m not good enough.
I read on here about a woman who waited six years and her boyfriend finally proposed – she said no because she was so resentful by that point. She got a lot of comments that weren’t very supportive, but I 100% understand what she must have felt like. I love my boyfriend, but years of being told “soon” or “some day” or “when things get better” really make you lose the excitement.
I feel in my heart it’s time to move on. I deserve someone who respects my feelings and my goals in life. He deserves that too, but maybe we’re not meant to have that together. I’m really scared to start over again at 33, but I know the pain it will bring will give me a chance at the life I want. I don’t want to continue to live a life where I have to beg someone to marry, beg someone to have kids, etc. Any thoughts or support, Bees?