(Closed) Is it time to leave?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

Honey posts like yours make me so sad. Not sad that you don’t have a ring, specifically, but sad at the entirety of the way he’s treating you. He doesn’t care about your feelings, he doesn’t keep his promises, when you try to talk to him about not keeping his promises he either shuts you down or gives you a laundry list of what needs to be improved on first. Guys who don’t make good boyfriends don’t make good husbands either. The erosion of your hopes and self-esteem is palpable in your posts, please don’t let yourself be treated this way, make good on not renewing the lease with him, 33 isn’t anywhere close to being too old to start over.

Post # 17
Member
2229 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Pack those bags. Sorry bee

Post # 18
Member
2083 posts
Buzzing bee

I started over at 32, met my now husband within 3 months.  I love how easy our relationship is.  I was clear from the beginning about wanting marriage and kids and I knew he wanted the same things as I got to know him and his lifestyle and friendships.  We were engaged after a year and ten months.  It is amazing being with someone who appreciates me and wanted to marry me.  Sounds like time to move on.

Post # 19
Member
762 posts
Busy bee

You were frustrated enough to post here a year ago, and now after another year you just feel worse. I think it’s time to leave. I first posted here this past spring, and believe me, one way or another I will not be posting on this board next spring. 

I hate when a man pulls the “things need to be better” or “you need to be happier” card on a woman who is already trying to be gracious and manage her disappointment in him. What is he doing to make things better? He’s clearly not doing anything to make you feel better.

Also, you’ve said before that your boyfriend is a procrastinator, and clearly he is willing to keep procrastinating even when it hurts you. This will likely continue even if you push him to finally propose (e.g. by threatening to leave and not actually leaving). What if you buy a house and there’s a problem with the plumbing and he keeps telling you he will call a plumber, but then he won’t do it until a pipe bursts? What if he keeps telling you that he wants a little more time enjoying being married before you try to have kids? Will you be fine with this? It sounds like you are done with him dragging his feet in general.

Post # 20
Member
10223 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
RobbieAndJuliahaha :  

*And* he rolls his eyes when she attempts to start an actual dialog about the future.  Quite contemptuous.

Post # 21
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
sassy411 :  Good point-  OP is trying to talk to him about something very serious and important and she gets an eyeroll?!!? This is very contemptuous of him and a good indicator of his treatment of her overall. 

I hope you’re listening OP, it’s not okay for him to treat you like this. frown

Post # 22
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
sassy411 :  Good catch.  I’ve read that the #1 body language prediction of divorce is when one spouse rolls their eyes while the other is talking.  

Post # 23
Member
298 posts
Helper bee

Scarlett11 :  This. When a relationship is the right one, it just isn’t that hard. It just works. 

We do learn and evolve in relationships, and that requires some give and take to live and deal with another person. Yet there is respect, support, and consideration for both persons, and the relationship blossoms. You are loved for you. It’s like nothing seems to be able to kill this one  (the relationship). It is a great, true friendship as well as a love relationship. Signs are everywhere, and they are good ones. 

Versus a relationship that’s self-centered, unbalanced, the hot and cold, the walking on eggshells, jumping through hoops, deprecating put-downs, and goes nowhere. Those signs are there too…and when they are, one needs to do oneself a favor and heed them.

Post # 24
Member
675 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2021 - Dracut, Massachusetts

View original reply
lilylove14 :  leave him. None of those are answers. I think from being on here long enough that this never ends well. I’ve been there, done that. I’m almost 31 but you’re right. No woman should have to beg for some dude to marry her. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. He’s out there, I promise. 

Post # 25
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Another vote for leave.  Its hard. It will suck. But he’s never going to marry you unless you force him to, and who wants that?

I started over at 31 after dating a guy who sounds remarkably like your SO. I met my now Fiance,  and we dated for exactly 1 year before we got engaged. IThis relationship has shown me that planning a future shouldn’t be a battle or a negotiation. When you’re with someone with compatable life goals, its so much easier. I will be married at 33. Its never too late. 

Post # 26
Member
249 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry. You know it’s time to leave. You’re right.  You know what you want.  You’ve been upfront with your bf.  He has not been upfront with you.  If he doesn’t want to get married, he should at least have the courage to tell you.  His actions have been cowardly and selfish.  It’s time to take control of the situation and put your needs first.

I waited five years, and was in a similar situation.  My ex would always promise me marriage “someday”.  Well someday never seemed to come, and I grew increasingly resentful.  Eventually it took over our entire relationship.   I just felt resentful and angry all the time.  That is when I left.  I was sad, but it also felt great.  I finally had control over my life.  I no longer felt resentful everyday.  It also freed me up to meet my Fiance who proposed in under 2 years with no pressure.  As a PP said, bad boyfriends make bad husbands.  Leave.  Take control of your life.  It’s easier to start over at 33 than 34, 35, 40, etc.

Post # 27
Member
1258 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2022 - Maui

Other bees are right. I didnt realize how hard and stressful and awful my first marriage was until I found my current SO. It’s hard to see it when youre in it but once you find someone else who makes things easy you kick yourself for wasting all that time making excuses for the jerk.

Post # 28
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2018

Since he says there are issues you both need to work on before getting married, I’d double-down on his bluff; book a couples counciling appointment (health insurance will sometimes cover this, and either way, it might cost a bit, but what is your relationshihp worth?). Insist that he go with you, or (if you’re ready to) you’ll walk.

Get yourself a new apartment, don’t just go off the lease. Tell him your new address in case he wants to commit to a relationship that progresses rather than standing still, but that you’re not going to wait around for him and a proposal that you don’t believe will ever come. 

It may feel dramatic to make an ultimatium, but you’ve been very patient. You’ve been honest about your needs, wants, and desires. And he hasn’t. You deserve a firm decision from him, not him putting it off and doing/saying the minium to shut you up for another three months while your life (and fertility) passes you by. 

Good luck, and whatever you decide, stay strong and stick with it. 

Post # 29
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee

I’m proud of you for leaving, you deserve better than that crap!

Post # 30
Member
2236 posts
Buzzing bee

Same story as others here – started over at 30. Met SO within a year. He proposed at 20 months – there’s was never any “pressuring” or arguing or excuses.

We just “knew,” and planned every step of the way together. It came naturally. We were equal partners in building a future together than we both wanted… together.

I’ll be married at 33. And he is BETTER than any man I ever even imagined could exist.

It’s not a fairytale. It’s not that others feel just as hopeless and alone as you do, but are putting on a show. It’s real. But if you marry the wrong guy (which this guy clearly is) you’ll never get to experience it for yourself.

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