(Closed) Is it time to leave waiting on a proposal

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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Dmamola:  I think it is really unfair to the relationship to be pushing so hard for an engagement/threatening to leave after that short a time together (1 1/2 years) with a 27 year old guy.  You personally might not need a lot of time to make a decision to marry, it doesn’t follow that everyone else makes decisions the same way.

Post # 47
Member
1731 posts
Bumble bee

he is actually closer to 28 has his own house a VERY established career etc. For him there’s no excuse and he knows that.”

So this automatically means that he is ready to get married? Ummmm….

Post # 48
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50 posts
Worker bee

 

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Dmamola:  I met a man and fell madly in love….we moved in together after dating for four months and honestly, it was magical….the whole three years of it was magical. After dating for a year and a half and moving out of town for his job I began to feel the same way you did. I began to drop hints, then heavier hints, then began to really be miserable it wasn’t happening. He did propose, and literally on our way to the proposal sight I mentioned it again (not knowing what was about to happen), and when he finally did propose, this man I loved so dearly, it was not what I’d expected, it wasn’t all romance and tears and surprise…you know why, because I had mentioned it to begin with. How is a proposal supposed to be a surprise if you ask for it? After you keep on and keep on, you unknowingly build up this image in your mind that it will never live up to. You may not believe it now but wait and see. The saying “when you know, you know” I truly don’t believe in. I was so incredibly happy with that man, but the fact of the matter is, it ended for various reasons (mostly that he had a crazy mom). But I never would have guess that relationship would have ended. You don’t know…anything is possible. And at the rate you are going, you are most likely self destructing your relationship. No one ever wants to be forced in to ANYTHING. If you let this go, go back to him, and give it a long while it will happen I guarantee, and you will be so happy. But the more you push this, the more it will destruct. I’m sorry to tell you that. It’s from personal experience.

Post # 49
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee

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Dmamola:  At 24, I was a successful college grad working for a fortune 200 company leading the largest Supply Chain project in the company to date, traveling 3-4 weeks a month and presenting timelines/accomplishments/risks to Senior Vice Presidents. I made/make more money than all my friends and more than my parents did at my age. That doesn’t mean I was ready for marriage at 24. Being “successful” doesn’t define if you are ready for marriage. 

Post # 50
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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Dmamola:  Just curious, are a lot of your friends getting engaged, having kids, etc? I remember when I was 24 and it seemed like everyone and their cousin was getting engaged, having kids, blah blah blah.

I can understand where you are coming from, you do not want to waste your time with someone who will not marry you. Although you may feel mature, you are still young. With that being said, 1.5 years really is not a long time – my Fiance and I dated 2.5 years prior to getting engaged and lived together for 1.5 years (that’s not even long compared to some Bees). Personally, I would sit down with your SO and ask him what his reservations are about getting married. Do not get mad at what he says. Also I would not bring up getting engaged/married after that talk.

If this truly is the man you want to marry, then give it some more time.

Post # 51
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4426 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

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Dmamola:  Success does not maturity make. Rush into whatever you want to rush into-that’s your choice and has no impact on me. I hope your boyfriend knows that he will be spending his life (if he actually does want to marry you) at your speed because your immaturity does not allow you to see what it actually will take for a life-long commitment to work. If you love someone and want to spend your life with them you don’t just throw a relationship away because they don’t move at your speed. If he’s really “the one” I can’t see why you would even think that. Maybe PPs are right-you’re focus is the wedding, not the marriage. Scary.

Post # 52
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29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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KatiePi:  Amen sister! That was EXACTLY what I was thinking! 

 Dmamola: I am not going to comment on your situation since you clearly are not interested in listening to anyone anyway, but when you ask for advice, it’s very rude to cut people down for giving you advice just because you don’t like it. That, my dear, might be one of the reasons people are calling you “immature.”

Post # 54
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29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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Dmamola:  I personally did not get that at all from any of the posts, and I read through all of them. 

Post # 55
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

time is the most valuable thing In life you cannot gain back lost time.

You keep saying that. But it isn’t the time itself that’s important, but what you do with it. It sounds as though you think speed-walking through life is the right approach, which is fine. But other people feel strolling is the way to go, and that’s okay too.  In one of your examples, you gave a handful of examples of people who met and married very quickly, as proof that it can work. But there’s just as much evidence for people who took their time and had a good end result. there’s always going to be an example we can point to that will bolster our perspective.

A lot of posters have pointed out that, everything considered – age, length of dating, his hesitation – a hurried, forced engagement will likely not end well. I think giving him some breathing space with zero pressure until the end of the year will do you both some good.

Post # 56
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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nessdawwg:  I laughed WAY too hard at that comment hah.

Post # 57
Member
3025 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

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aliciaspinnet:  “Try backing off a bit and seeing what happens. Spend the energy that you are currently using to obsess about a proposal and use it towards improving your relationship. “<br /><br />I would add this: maybe focus more on yourself for a time. Take a class, learn a language, pick up a hobby… There’s much more to life than marriage. 

Post # 58
Member
4426 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

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Dmamola:  I agree wtih 
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FutureMrsMitchell:  nowhere in this post do I see anyone saying that about you. What pps are saying is by the way you are talking that you seem incredibly immature-think Veruca Salt’s “I want it now!”. Stomping your feet because your boyfriend of a year and a half (which is nothing in the grand scheme of time) appears to not be ready for whatever reason to marry you. One poster said she believed it was important to really know yourself and be independent before marriage (which I completely agree with). I will say again- based on your attitude toward your bf not being ready and how you are ready to bolt that I don’t think you really know what it means to commit to someone for life. If you do marry this man (and it seems like it will happen because of your pressuring), what will happen one day when you disagree on where to live, when to have kids, how to raise your children? Will you talk it out and compromise like adults in a committed relationship do or will you leave because you aren’t getting your way? Good luck though. I feel you will both need it. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by  KatiePi.
Post # 59
Member
45 posts
Newbee

I have to agree with the previous posters, especially the one who said that’s it not the time itself that’s important, but what you do with it.  I’m 24 as well, I’ve been with my bf for 5 years lived together for 2 and just bought our first home together. We both have successful careers. We’ve shopped for rings and he knows my taste. He’ll, we’ve talked about the names of our future children. I’m ready, but the fact that he hasn’t proposed tells me he’s not and that is okay because I know that when he is and he does, we will have a great, strong foundation that we have built our relationship on. I don’t understand how can say that waiting any longer is a waste of your time because I can’t imagine calling the last 5 years a waste of time. 

I think the previous posters are right when they say you’re thinking more about a wedding than a marriage.

And can you imagine the look on your boyfriends face if he heard you call your relationship a waste of time? 

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