Is it too late for him?

posted 3 months ago in Waiting
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  • Post # 16
    Member
    12119 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    I would not have moved in with a never married 50 year old without a commitment that an engagement would be imminent. To me that does not mean waiting another year and a half. If you want children, he is being disrespectful. 

    I’d move out and let him decide if he’s willing to risk a situation where he is finally ready, and you are no longer interested. 

    Post # 17
    Member
    6445 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    At his age, with the time you have been together and your family plans, him needing another YEAR in which to propose is ridiculous. If he wanted commitment with you, he’d have asked by now. 

    Post # 18
    Member
    162 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    I don’t think I would wait much longer than you have already.

    At this point in your lives, I think a year and a half is a good amount of time to get to know each other and decide if you want to marry each other or not. You’ve decided you want to marry him, but why doesn’t he want to marry you? Why does he say he needs more time? What does he think will change if you get engaged a year from now versus right now?

    I think the only way I would continue the relationship would be if there was an in-depth discussion about what you both want for the future together and a time line on when you would ideally like to be engaged, married, and start trying to have kids. If your time lines don’t match up or you can’t agree, you should move on. You shouldn’t have to wait if you already know what you want, but he shouldn’t be rushed if he doesn’t know what he wants. Move on and meet someone who does want the same things as you.

    I hope this next comment doesn’t offend you or anyone else, but I wanted to add a different perspective. I wouldn’t live with him or be intimate with him. I’m aware most don’t feel the same, but I believe that it’s something to be enjoyed within a marriage. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, I’m just thinking about what I would do in your situation, and I wanted to add another perspective. I don’t look down on couples who do live together, I know it’s the norm.

    Post # 19
    Member
    1106 posts
    Bumble bee

    Your parents are right. Your description screams “lifelong bachelor” to me. 

    I never would have moved in with a 50-year old who had never been married or had kids without a ring and a date, but that’s just me.

    If I were you I’d move out ASAP.

    Post # 20
    Member
    4046 posts
    Honey bee

    Shopgirlsoflo :  I just read your update about him needing another year and my response is oh hell no. I think it’s a losing proposition for you. At 50 years of age he should know. He’s just all about delay, delay, delay. And 1 year from now he’ll have some other excuse such as you argue too much(about him not proposing of course), as a reason for further delay.

    I’d move out and tell him to let you know when he’s ready to be more than roommates. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    1290 posts
    Bumble bee

    Shopgirlsoflo :   it’s not impossible that he  does want to marry you. Ask him if he’s ready to start looking at rings etc. Tell him if he is serious, you need some action. 

    My fh is 48, and also never married. But he always wanted it. His picker was off and he ended up in situations where he was being used. He was passive and stayed in these situations waaay tooo long. 

    He was sure he wanted to marry me. He asked me all the time…But suddenly he was also terrified, so we had a few hiccups. He asked me to wait him out 6 more months so he could work through his fears. I did, and things are perfect now. 

    But you need him to be 100 percent honest with you that HE wants marriage, and that you have a mutually agreeable timeline for marriage n kids if it’s a priority to you. 

    Post # 23
    Member
    147 posts
    Blushing bee

    Shopgirlsoflo :  you aren’t being blind to the age gap as much as he is. I’d be concerned that his age could mean you have trouble conceiving. Male fertility doesn’t last forever despite what some think.

    This next bit is going to sound super cold but better to think about reality beyond loving feelings. Men in 1969 birth year in the US had a life expectancy of 67 years. Babies born last year can expect mean of 78 years.

    (1986 female life expectancy was 78. Last year’s baby girls 81.)  Hopefully you’ll both live to 115! But half don’t make it to these ages.

    If he follows his life expectancy mean at birth he has 17 years left. He’ll really waste one+ before starting a family? He’s not considering the life he will be leaving you. I don’t know how you have this conversation with him without offending him by sounding like he has one foot in the grave… because on the hill he is actually over the hump.

    So think it through for yourself: Will you be comfortable helping your children navigate their young adulthood alone? He might be there for the teenage years but numbers aren’t on his side for making it to any of their weddings. Do you have people who will be there to support you (friends, family) as a young widow? You’ll be supporting your kids in their grief with your heart missing. Because if he dies at a nice old better-than-average 80 you still won’t be retirement age. Hopefully all those years will have been healthy ones. It’s hard to lose a father when you still need his advice and it’s hard to lose your other half when you still had decades of love to give them. 

    Under no circumstances should you guys at any point cheap out on life insurance.

    I say all this with my family having lived it. You might still think “better to have loved and lost” and that’s a valid choice. I just think you guys need to have some sort of serious talk about what a family would be for you guys. Marriage is only the tip of the iceberg. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    147 posts
    Blushing bee

     

    Shopgirlsoflo :  I just saw your update. He isn’t financially feeling ready to get engaged!? I am concerned at the hard life you would be setting yourselves up for… he needs to save for a nice ring, a big wedding, assuming like most 50 year olds he’s hustling to get more $$ into retirement accounts aaand you want to add a family to that? I assumed he’d have savings behind him. He’s going to have to somehow come up with a lifetime’s worth of savings in the next two decades. Yikes. I think you can do better… 🙁

    Post # 26
    Member
    1106 posts
    Bumble bee

    Your update is even worse.

    Last summer July 2018 my Boyfriend or Best Friend lost his job and was out of work for 3 months.”

    Okay, so what? That happened a year ago. It’s unfortunate that he lost his job but it is frightening that only losing out on 3 months’ salary was that financially devastating for him at his age. Did he not have any savings at 50 years old?! And why is that still an excuse now when he has been employed again ever since?

    Everytime we speak about marriage he says ifit wasn’t for the money he would marry me tomrrow at the court house.”

    That does not make any sense. If he really wanted to marry you, he would do it at the courthouse because it was important to you both moreso than a lavish wedding. You don’t need more than like a hundred bucks to get married at the courthouse. Is he saying he doesn’t have $100 to spend for a marriage license?

    He wishes to but me a nice ring and wants to hanve money set aside for the wedding.”

    Of course he does. That’s what they all say on here. It’s an easy excuse and you guys all eat it up! “Oh well he was unemployed for a few months a year ago so OF COURSE he can’t get me that six-figure engagement ring I don’t really need or want!” Of course!! We must wait until that unrealistic goal can be reached! 

    I think it is extremely revealing that your 50-year old boyfriend is holding out for an extremely expensive ring and lavish wedding that he can’t afford and that he is unwilling to marry you right now despite knowing that your time is running out to have kids. If he really wanted to marry you like he claims and have kids with you, wouldn’t he realize it’s more important to just get it done at the courthouse so you can start trying to TTC ASAP and do the big party later?

    I know this is perhaps another “excuse” or “stall”, BINGO

    Stop accepting his flimsy excuses! You’re only hurting yourself and if you lose the ability to have biological kids because of this, then that is your own fault at this point.

    Post # 26
    Member
    277 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: By the lake

    Is he working now?  Do you feel he is just hanging onto you for financial reason?  Tell him to forget the ring and forget the lavish wedding.   Set a date to go to court, but before that,  make sure he really wants to have kids.   Otherwise,  bye-bye, boyfriend of 1.5 years.  Good luck!  He is 50.  Life is short.   Time for the ultimatum!  Is he really your kindred spirit?

    Post # 28
    Member
    6806 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    Shopgirlsoflo :  “Everytime we speak about marriage he says ifit wasn’t for the money he would marry me tomrrow at the court house.”

    WTF does this mean? A courthouse wedding costs next to nothing. This is a BS excuse. 

    Post # 29
    Member
    1450 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

    This sounds suspiciously like a lead on.  Bee you deserve a real partner.  You could meet someone and be married and he Still might not be ready.  Tell him you don’t have anymore time to wait. You want kids and soon. Do you want to raise kids with an old man?  This man isn’t your only chance. I’d MAYBE give him 3 more months.  But I’m kind hearted 🙂

    Post # 30
    Member
    1501 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

    My two cents, for whatever it’s worth: He sounds like a guy who has perfected talking about things he knows women find important, but is not personally able to fulfill any of those empty words.  At 50, he’s likely been around long enough to know how the conversation is supposed to go to keep women happy for a while.  So he can talk about weddings and future goals and assist you in daydreaming about all those things — and he probably wants them himself to some degree — but his own emotional state or worries are going to stop him from taking real action.  Unfortunately I agree with PP and your parents that he’s likely a lifelong bachelor.

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