Is it too late for him?

posted 3 months ago in Waiting
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  • Post # 31
    Member
    1116 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: City, State

    Shopgirlsoflo :  

    The age thing. Are you prepared to take care of a teenager and a 70 year old at the same time? 

    Post # 32
    Member
    6663 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Last summer July 2018 my Boyfriend or Best Friend lost his job and was out of work for 3 months. This was an obvious financial and mental setback for him.

    Oh, Bee. I’m closer in age to your boyfriend than to you and I’d be seriously, major league alarmed if he was still trying to recover from 3 month employment gap that happened a year ago, both financially and mentally. A stable 50 year-old man with no obligations to anyone but himself should have been able to weather this short setback rather easily. Unless he’s been very irresponsible he should have all sorts of savings. Red flags everywhere.

    It sounds as if there are a lot of reasons why he’s still single at his age and none of them have to do with you. If children are important to you I wouldn’t waste another six months with him–he’s either ready to pick out some simple bands and schedule a date at the courthouse or he’s not. You can add rings later. You can have a party later.

    It’s hard to imagine that if he’s not financially prepared to marry you that he’s financially prepared to start a family–I’d be concerned even if he did marry you that he’d want to hold off TTC for yet another few years to build more savings or some other excuse…he seems willing to put all sorts of things off until they may no longer be an option. Are you? 

    Post # 34
    Member
    78 posts
    Worker bee

    I’m going to disagree with a few points. I’m 37 and my SO is 50 and we have a toddler and a baby. I don’t think 50 is too old for fatherhood at all. My SO is such a good dad and probably more hands on than many younger dads! I also don’t think a 17 year age difference is doomed. We are 13 years apart and his age very rarely comes into play. I even don’t think his financial “issues” are a massive problem. I’d want more clarification to make sure there isn’t some sort of hidden problem (gambling, debt, etc) but from what you described, he just had some bad luck. That’s life and marriage is about weathering those storms together.

    Where I do see warning bells is the part where he needs another year just to get engaged and wanting a big wedding. That sounds fishy for a 50 year old guy who has (apparently) met the love of his life and is eager to start a family. I would probe more as to why he isn’t ready and set a deadline…..not so much for him but for YOU. If you wait too long, the resentment will start destroying your relationship (trust me.). You may also end up losing out on having kids entirely. Good luck!

    Post # 35
    Member
    2128 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    Eh. I don’t buy the excuse that he needs to save for a big wedding. If he really wants to get married he could go ahead and do it within what he is willing to spend. It sounds like a stalling tactic to me.

     

    Post # 36
    Member
    66 posts
    Worker bee

    I think pp’s hit the nail on the head. Just because a man talks about wanting marriage and babies early on in a relationship does not necessarily mean he is going to go through with it. I assume he has been in relationships before. He has had these conversations before. Actions speak louder. 

    I have an ex that was very upfront early on about wanting a future with me. He was ready to move in together after only a few months. I was just fresh off a break up so I told him we should wait a while for that still. He started talking about our future wedding around 6 months in and then would bring up the topic of kids and tell me what names he liked. He too said that it was so great to finally be with a woman he could see himself having kids with. He wanted two kids. At the time, I was 27 and he was 32. Around 6 months into our relationship I started to catch up to his feelings. We took a big vacation together and he hinted around about proposing but then the proposal didn’t come.

    When we got back from the trip I started to talk about making concrete plans to live together and he balked. He always had a reasont to put it off. At first it was that he wanted to buy a new house. Then he bought the house and he told me he wanted to live in it a bit by himself because he had never lived alone before (previously had roommates) and didn’t want to move in with his future wife and lose that opportunity. Then a few months after that he sat me down and said he was feeling a lot of pressure from me to propose (I had never brought it up) and he thought we were moving too fast. I told him I was in no rush and didn’t really see where this was coming from. Then a few months after that he told me he had decided he didn’t want to have kids and thought he should tell me. When I reminded him of the names he had picked out he told me he had no memory of that. Instead he tried to make me feel crazy and implied that he had always been very upfront about not wanting kids. 

    I broke up with him. Now 5 years later I am engaged to a wonderful man and we plan on starting to try for kids in the next 2 years. My ex is now pushing 40. He has had two serious relationships since me. Both have ended. I can almost guaruntee that he talked about marriage and babies with them and told them they were the first women he could see those things with only to pull the rug out as soon as the women expected him to follow through. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    2824 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    Shopgirlsoflo :  I’m glad you moved out,  albeit temporary.  How did the discussion go yesterday? 

    Let us know what happened. 

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