Post # 1
I’m going anon for this one. I’ve been married to my husband for 3 years. We have a daughter under 2. My husband is a great guy, or so everyone else would think from the outside looking in. He is honestly so kind to everyone he comes into contact with. He would bend over backwards for just about anyone at just about any time if he were asked. But he has always had a bit of an anger issue. Whenever we argue or bicker, it seems to get escalated. We are both very stubborn and this doesn’t help matters. I am not saying I am in any way perfect, but I try really hard to remain calm and not raise my voice when arguing. I do admittedly sometimes raise my voice. When he raises his voice though, there is always rage involved. Like screaming, red in the face, yelling as loud as he can. He has punched things in the room and broken them during these fights before, although it has been years since he has reacted that way. He has rarely been physically abusive. I think I have been pushed up against a wall once, but I was not injured. He screams or says, “fuck you” at me just about every time these fights happen. He has also called me a bitch, evil, the devil, a cunt, crazy, insane, irrational, dramatic, and emotional. Many years ago, these comments burned me and I reacted to them. These days they don’t affect me so much because I don’t want to give him my reactions. He often says that he “has” to treat me this way because it’s the only way to get me to shut up or stop taking. He usually apologizes, and because I want our marriage to work I easily forgive him and we move on. A couple of happy months go by and I think we have taken a turn for the better. And then it happens again. He has told me before that his great grandfather and his grandfather used to treat his grandmothers terribly. That they were regularly angry, demanding, hard to please. Is this type of thing genetic? I’m at a loss and don’t know what to do. Usually I can brush it off, but tonight he screamed at me calling me names right in front of our daughter while I held her in my arms. I don’t want her to grow up seeing this or to think it’s okay for someone to treat her that way. My heart would literally break if she ever had a partner who treated her like that. It doesn’t happen often, maybe once a month? For that reason, I struggle to take leaving seriously. I constantly think that it will get better. And to throw a wrench into everything, my husband’s dad was diagnosed with cancer about a month ago so I can’t help but think that my husband is just really hurting and looking for a way to release the anger somehow. I don’t know what to do. Just any words or thoughts would be nice. I really want to make my marriage work, but I am worried, especially now that I have a daughter.
Post # 2
Yes, this is verbally abusive, especially if he does it to make you “shut up”.
However, it sounds like he has ALWAYS been this way. Why did you marry him and have a child and THEN begin to question how he treats you? It sounds like he has always been abusive – both verbally AND physically.
I don’t think it is safe for you, especially if he has taken it to the physical level before. You don’t want your daughter growing up thinking this is how people who love one another behave.
Post # 3
“He has rarely been physically abusive.
” — One time is too often. Seriously, the very first time he put angry hands on you, that was too often. That does not deserve a second chance. Much less multiple chances. Even the verbal abuse is not acceptable, and he is not going to change. He has showed you over and over. He screams at you and calls you names once a month? This is absolutely unimaginable to me. Why in the world would you want to “make it work” with someone who does this? This is exactly how marriage with someone like this works. Your marriage is working exactly as expected and it is not going to get any better or any happier. I would like you to leave because you know you deserve better, but if that’s not a good enough reason, then your daughter has to be. You think she’s too young to understand or pick up on what’s happening, but she’s not. Have the courage to take her away from this terrifying hateful environment. Would you let anyone else scare her like this? Then why is it ok for him to? You have to accept that he is not going to change. Your choice is either stay with him and watch your daughter learn that this is normal, or leave.
Post # 4
I know that I put myself in this situation willingly. I married him because I love him. Since the behavior is infrequent, I always hoped and thought it would be the last time. When we are not fighting the 90% of the time everything is great. We have fun and he is an amazing father. In those moments, I don’t see how I could live a life without him in it. But when he gets angry and I stick up for myself, he crumbles and turns into someone that no one would recognize. I honestly think his family wouldn’t even believe this happens if they were ever told about it.
Post # 5
There is no excuse for him to behave like that. He is physically and emotionally abusive. This behavior will only get worse.
Post # 6
What you’re describing is both verbal and physical abuse. It will get worse. It will escalate. Get out for your daughter’s sake.
Post # 7
Fuck this pathetic excuse for a human. Hell yes, it’s abuse. But who cares what label you put on it? It’s fucking horrific behavior. Please don’t spend any more of the precious time we have on earth with someone who thinks it’s *at all* acceptable to conduct themselves like this. Take out the trash… you’ll be better for it. Happiness awaits.
Post # 8
You need to leave this relationship. I am assuming you would be devastated if your daughter grows up to be with a man who treats her the way her dad treats her mom. Don’t let this be the model relationship she grows up with. And for your own health, you absolutely have to leave this abusive marriage. It is not ok for you or your child.
Post # 9
- Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA
Abusers are not abusive all the time. If they were, no one would stay with them very long. There are almost always periods of sweet, happy, okay-ness in between abusive episodes. This serves a couple of purposes – one, to make you question and doubt what is really happening, and two, to keep up appearances and keep you on their hook.
Abusers also generally come across as well-liked and kind/friendly to others outside of the abusive relationship. The reasons for this are the same as above.
Having been in abusive relationships in the past, I can tell you this behavior is not going to change, and will likely get worse. It will also likely extend to your child as she grows older.
His behavior is not normal. His behavior has nothing to do with what you are or are not doing right or wrong. Changing your behavior will not change his reactions or stop the abusive behavior. You need to know this.
We see a lot on television, in movies, and in the media about abuse that looks very different from what you’re experiencing, and I know first-hand how that can make you question what is happening. So, I’m telling you. We’re all telling you. This is abuse and it is dangerous. It IS bad enough to leave him over already.
He has already put hands on you in the past.
Make an exit plan. Secure a safe place to stay. Take your baby and leave him.
Post # 10
You said it happens once a month and that his dad was only diagnosed a month ago so how could you think there is any correlation or that he’s “just really hurting and looking for a way to release the anger somehow”? Even going off your timeline it’s only happened once, MAYBE twice since his dad has been diagnosed so what was the excuse all of the other times?
You mentioned he’s broken things around the house well in my experience abuse like this tends to escalate. When breaking inanimate objects no longer placates his anger, the next thing he’ll break is your face.
Post # 11
The longer you stay, the longer you let your daughter know this behaviour is the norm. She will grow up knowing this his how fathers treat mothers, how husbands treat wives. That vile name calling and physical violence have a place in the family home.
If you don’t leave for your sake, leave for hers.
Post # 12
This is a pivotal moment, bee. This is the moment where you need to make a decision. Your daughter is 2. Do you really think she has no idea when daddy is angry and screams at mommy? Do you think she’s not frightened of her father? This has been happening once a month at least all of her life, and will continue. She’s going to be 5, 8, 13, 16 years old growing up listening to her father call her mother a c*unt on the regular. How awful. And more than that, once she starts irritating her father, she is likely to become a target for his anger. Do you want him calling her a c*nt too when she gets a bad grade or has a fight, or talks back to him? This has already escalated to physical violence, what makes you think he won’t be physically violent with his child?
Do you want to be the mother who has to look her child in the face and explain why you exposed her to emotional and physical abuse? Do you really want to tell her, “well I loved him, and I put that before our emotional and physical well-being”? When your child marries someone who is just like her father, or worse, you will have to know that it’s your fault.
Your actions now can either give her a good chance of a healthy relationship with herself and with other men and you…or you can choose the actions most likely to traumatize her.
Post # 13
Please please please do not allow this to happen, do it for your daughter. She doesn’t deserve someone like that in her future and she’ll think this is normal.
It doesn’t make sense at all to ask you why you married him, you cannot go back and change the past. But please find another accommodation and rebuild your life. I know it’s SO difficult but any other option (staying) is literally a huge NO.
Post # 14
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
“He has rarely been physically abusive” oh bee what are you doing? Yes it’s verbal abuse. I think you know it is. You have a two year old daughter and her dad is now calling her mom names and yelling at her while you are holding her. I can tell you right now what is going to happen. Your husband is going to think this is o.k, yea he may say he is sorry blah blah blah and it will happen againg, we all know this. And when your daughter is 5 she will be in her room hiding in her bed covering her ears trying not to listen to her parents yell at eachother while her dad calls her mother a bitch, slut, whore, cunt ect. The same thing will happen at age 13 and 16. And guess what is going to happen? Your daughter is going to get a boyfriend. This boyfriend is going to treat her the way her father treats her mother….calls her names, phsically abuses her, throw things at her and puts her down. But to your daughter this is ok. because she thinks this is “love” because her mom and dad were like this her whole life and they love each other. So there you have it bee. You know how I know Bee because I was your daughter.
Post # 15
Once a month is not infrequent- it is with regularity. And to echo pp, your daughter 100% knows what’s going on, and it’s just a mater of time before he starts calling her a bitch and starts breaking things in her room- or starts laying a hand on her because perhaps he was “spanked” as a child and I’m sure he thinks he turned out fine.
if you are not going to leave for your own sake, leave for the sake of your daughters well being. I assure you, his behavior will escalate. You say you think recent episodes of abuse have been triggered by his fathers diagnosis- what happens if he passes away, or your husband has work troubles or gets laid off, or your hot water heater leaks or your roof needs to be replaced- you know, life? You need to stop making excuses and rationalizing his behavior now, or you will be making excuses and rationalizing your black eye, bruises, or god forbid worse.