Is it verbal abuse?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

Your daughter is two. She has zero control over the situation. She’s relying on you to make choices to keep you both safe. It’s horrible enough that he’s screamed in your face while you’re holding her, it’s horrible enough he’s pushed you in the past. The next time he escalates into a blinding rage, he could push you with your daughter in your arms. She could be hurt. Sadly you seem willing to make excuses for him (he ‘rarely’ physically abuses you, he’s gotten ‘better’, you weren’t hurt when he pushed you, maybe it’s genetic) so if you won’t leave for your own safety, leave for your daughter’s. 

Post # 17
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020 - City, State

My BIGGEST regret in life is the fact I let my son be privy to hid father’s and my awful arguments. It’s disgusting to me that I allowed it to happen for as long as I did. 

Post # 18
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

View original reply
anon212125 :  YES.  100% yes, this is verbal abuse. It’s also 100% physical abuse. This is also gaslighting (saying that he has to yell at you to get you to shut up, aka it’s your fault he’s acting like this.) This behavior occurs regularly (about once per month) and is therefore not “infrequent”. It has been going on for years so it can not be attributed to his father’s recent diagnosis. It follows the classic cycle of abuse (a PP included the image).

OP, please consider your child. Your husband has a serious anger issue and is verbally and physically abusive toward you on a regular basis. It will continue and it will escalate unless you do something. 

Post # 19
Member
11303 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
anon212125 :  

Bee, this is not an anger problem.  This is an abuser problem.  Your husband is an abuser.  Period. Abuse is not about anger.  It’s about power and control.

As other Bees have posted, you have given us a perfect description of the Cycle of Abuse.

Your husband is verbally, emotionally, and physically abusing you. And you are 100% right; your daughter is watching.  She absolutely is learning that this is normal. She will be drawn to men exactly like daddy. Get her the hell out of there before one of the neighbors calls CPS while he’s carrying on and they get her out of there for you.

Start making a safety plan and exit strategy.  Abusers are at their most dangerous when they sense that their prey is about to flee.

Talk to counselors at your local DV facility for advice.  Or, you can call or chat with counselors at the National DV Hotline.  They are available 24/7 to talk about your relationship issues.

I also recommend that you read Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That?.

 https://www.thehotline.org

Post # 20
Member
4200 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

OP, Once a month isnt infrequent. Once is infrequent, but that would still be once too many. He screams at you, breaks objects, has become physical with you, and calls you names in front of your daughter. You know your daughter will learn what love looks like by watching her parents… Is this what you want for her? because you can tel her 1000x “I want better for you”, but if you don’t show her what better looks like, she will end up with someone like her father.

Why don’t you think you deserve better for yourself? What have you done to deserve this? (the correct answer is nothing, because nothing you could have done would make you deserving of being abused regularly)

You know this is unacceptable. You know he will not change. You know deep down what you need to do. I know it’s really scary and starting over is SO hard. But so is losing yourself to an abusive relationship or making up a lame excuse for your bruises or broken bones (because this WILL escalate eventually), or explaining to your daughters teachers why she thinks its OK to call her classmates a cunt, or taking her to therapy for PTSD treatment because she watched her dad beat up her mom…. You choose your scary… Because the relationship you’re in right now is downright terrifying. 

Post # 21
Member
380 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

Yes, this is abusive behaviour.

You say your heart would break if your daughter was treated like this. Please PLEASE hold yourself to the same standards and more importantly, lead by example for her sake. 

Post # 22
Member
3082 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
anon212125 :  yes it is, honey.

and if you think that he is only going to scream at you over the next 16 years, you are sorely mistaken. Your daughter is going to be old enough to not only witness him berating you, but will eventually be on the recieving end. 

You can think “oh no he would never hurt her” all you want. And maybe, physically, he wont. But a dad like that makes you tip toe around the house, trust me. 

Post # 23
Member
441 posts
Helper bee

All I can think is that if you don’t want your daughter to grow up thinking this behaviour is okay and to be with someone who treats her this way, then why do you think it’s okay for you?

Would your mother want someone to abuse you? However infrequently you believe that to be?

Post # 24
Member
614 posts
Busy bee

Yes bee, this is absolutely 100% verbal & physical abuse.

Yelling at you, telling you to shut up, calling you names especially while you are holding your daughter is not ok.

You need to leave him like asap bc this will escalate & the next thing he hits will be your face & if you can’t do it for you and your own safety – do it for your daughter.

Show her that this is in NO way ok. That this is not how a man treats a woman that he says he loves. Do whatever you got to do and PLEASE please…GET yourself & your little girl out of that situation! 

 

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