(Closed) Is it weird that I am hurt by this?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’m sorry your parents are so unsupportive. At 24, I think it would be unnecessary to wait 6 years for marriage, and you are at a fine age to get married. 

I agree with the commenters who suggest to just forget about your parents meeting before the wedding. Sinking to their level with trickery would only backfire. I think it’s very nice that your FI’s parents want to meet yours, but just explain that they’ll probably have to meet at the rehearsal dinner.

It is not so unusual for inlaws to not meet until the wedding. My sister and my brother each got married in the last 5 years, and the parents all live within a couple hours of each other. My sister’s inlaws did not meet my parents until the rehearsal dinner, and neither set of parents hangs out now. And they live pretty close together. My SO’s family live on the other side of the country; I know they won’t meet until the rehearsal, and probably will never see each other again. 

It is of course hurtful, but it’s important to recognize that this dynamic of manipulation and attempts at control may not change on your parents’ part. It sounds like your parents play you and your sister off each other; taking her BF’s parents out, praising your Boyfriend or Best Friend to her to pressure her into finding someone as good when she is too young for them to actually want her to get married. It sounds like they do nice things for you two, like dinners and praise, but with a sting attached for the other sister. That is messed up! I hope you can find ways to help minimize the stress and hurt this causes you, and find other emotional support, because I think your parents will keep being a stress source for years. Give up trying to get them to do stuff they don’t want to do, and just behave in the way you think best. 

Post # 64
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@happilyeveraftergirl:  Yep – there’s always those crazy people out there, right? haha. 

I’m glad i helped inspire you! I think its a beautiful and amazing thing to get to grow together as a couple. As long as its not one of those crazy stories of being together for a month and getting married. But in all honesty, why not make it official and celebrate your love?

Like my husband and I had already lived together for 3 years, adopted a cat. We had our own little family and were there for each other through all our ups and downs. Getting married didn’t change our day to day lives one bit – just made our union official and gave us a beautiful day that we will never forget. Doing what my cousin had said…taking a break for 5 years…lol …that would have been much more of a drastic change than the marriage she was so afraid of me going forward with. 

 

Ps. i also agree with @HBanan. Sometimes you jsut have to put an emotional barrier or distance between people that are not good for your relationship. It sucks that this happens to be your parents, and im not suggesting to avoid them or cut them out of your life, its just building more of an internal emotional barrier against the things they say that affect you negatively. 

 

Post # 65
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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@happilyeveraftergirl:  She’s younger but has agreed to wait like what, a decade to get married? Your parents are being pretty ridiculous about this. Marriages of people 25 and over who are college educated statistically have a pretty good chance of success. Basically, women who are 25+, college educated, and have a stable income have an 80% marital success rate. I have never seen a study that highlights a significant difference between first marriages at 30 and first marriage at 25 – I believe they are generally lumped into the 25+ category because there is not one.

So basically, they are being not only unfair to you, but irrational based on scientific statistics. I agree with what others said – you might need to put a bit of an emotional barrier between you and them. They should not be holding their support and showings of love toward you for ransom because you aren’t making yourself a carbon copy of them.  

Don’t totally cut them off or anything, but right now they are hoping by giving you the cold shoulder that they will make you miserable enough to do what they want you to, and you need to make it clear that not only will that not happen, but it will have the opposite effect, and at the sacrifice of a close relationship with you.

Otherwise, I would just inform them, not ask them, that they are having dinner with your fiance’s parents on XX date at XX time. They are acting like children, so maybe you need to handle them as such. You need to put your foot down and make it abundantly clear that this marriage is happening whether they like it or not, and they can either get on board or kiss you goodbye.

Post # 66
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@oldmatron:  on what planet is 24 old for getting married?!?! im in my late 20s and my husband is in his mid 30s and we had zero issues getting pregnant. In fact it happened on the one and only try. I know plenty of peopke in their 30s who got pregnant quite quickly. Maybe you just have bad eggs.

Post # 67
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 1969

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@happilyeveraftergirl:  Just don’t invite them.  It doesn’t sound like they are willing to support you and love you and your fi the way you need, so why keep them involved at all?

Post # 69
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@happilyeveraftergirl: 
“You could marry pretty much anyone if you meet at the right age….WTH??”
oh man… there are no words..

Haha, and my husband my beg to differ about my mind being fully developed. 😛  Good luck with everything and feel free to reach out if ever you need to! 

 

 

Post # 71
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@happilyeveraftergirl:   “I helped raise my siblings for years and they sometimes call me Mom

Whoah. This doesn’t sound healthy. Why did child rearing fall on you? Where were your parents in all of this? This, as well as the other ways they treat your sister, screams “double standards” to me.

Post # 73
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

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@MrsWBS:  that was rude.  I was just trying to assure the OP that her parents’ views are unique.  Insulting my egg quality after what I’ve been through and boasting about your own fertility will not win you many friends on these forums.

Post # 74
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@oldmatron:  99% of your responses to others are rude. Doesn’t feel good does it?! Luckily I’m not looking for friends online.

 

someone who struggled to get pregnant surely wouldn’t suggest a twin reducation out of nowhere when the person never expressed any concern over carrying twins. nor would they call it “just an abortion” you must just be a special one.

Post # 75
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Yowza, that is totally hurtful. I wish I had words of wisdom for this. Other than just saying “hey, I made plans on X date, see you then!”

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