Post # 1
- Wedding: October 2015 - Elysian Ballroom - Portland Oregon
My mom died a little over 7 years ago (when I was 21). We were VERY close, and losing her was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. My fiance and I are in the early stages of wedding planning and have been shooting for an Oct. 10th 2015 wedding, but the venue we like the most is only available on October 17th (the 8th anniversary of my mom passing away). I am trying to decide if I am okay with/or if I will regret having my wedding day & anniversary on the same day as the day my mom died, and I need an outsiders perspective.
I know ultimately it is my choice, and I will know what I am okay with. But I am curious if anyone else has been in this situation before? On one hand, taking back control of the date (10.17) and loving the day as my anniversary is empowering, but on the other hand, that day has some emotional aspects to it as well.
Overall, I am doing well with the loss of my mother. I won’t be an emotional wreck on that day, and in general on the anniversary of her death I am okay, but a bit more somber than usual.
Has anyone had a similar situation before?
Post # 2
I feel like if you were TRYING to go for that day it would be one thing, but to just take it because it’s it is the only open space would probably sit poorly with me. I think having your wedding on her birthday or something might be better. Though I do see your point about “taking back the day” but do you have any siblings who might not feel that way about it?
Post # 3
This is an incredibly personal decision, but I will say that I would like to have that date. For me it would somehow make me feel closer to my mom. I am weird about death though. I think if you have counts then maybe it is best to pick another date.
Post # 4
AnonymissPDX: You’ll have the venue for 6 hours. You’ll have the anniversary for the rest of your life. I’d find a venue that was available on a different day.
Post # 5
I had this exact dilemma, except with the anniversary of my dad’s death. We ended up going with a different season/venue but I think it’s entirely up to you. I also really liked the idea of reclaiming a day of sadness with a day of love. Since his death was more recent I ultimately decided I would probably not be able to emotionally handle it. I also worried about how my mom/immediate family would feel. Only you and your family can decide what’s right for you.
Best wishes and internet hugs because this is such a tough choice.
Post # 6
I lost my step mom a few years ago, and I know there’s a part of me that would want to “take back” the day she passed and it not be a sad day, but have some sort of happy connection. But i feel like I personally would be hyper aware of the day and what it meant to me before, the day my mom wasn’t there any more, and that she wasn’t here on this day either. It would be very downing to me personally, to remember that my mom wasn’t there and think of that day however many years ago.<br />
This is a personal choice though. I would talk about it to your FI, and maybe your other immediate family, and see what their thoughts are
Post # 7
AnonymissPDX: In a way it’s kind of beautiful. Each year you would honor your mother by remembering both her and the new love and life you have built with your husband.
That being said I have not lost my mother, so I don’t know how it feels. I would go with your gut feeling on it.
Post # 8
Its a very personal decision. I asked my boyfriend not to propose anywhere near the anniversary of my mother’s passing because I didn’t want to feel pain and try to celebrate at the same time. I personally can’t do it. We all deal with grief and pain differently.
Post # 9
Wow that’s a tough one. I’ve experienced a lot of death in my family, but I always saw little things like this as a sign. Maybe your mom wants you to make this date something different. Give you her blessing to be happy and know she’s watching you and holding your hand every step of the way. There are 364 days to celebrate her funny, silly, loving ways/moments. But if you feel like it will be too hard for you, then you have to trust your heart.
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2013 - Garden
I would be thinking more of your guests. If there are people who are close to you who reserve that day to memorialise your mother, I wouldn’t ask them to celebrate with you on that day.
Post # 11
I haven’t lost a parent, so I can only imagine what that would be like. I personally feel like it would be hard enough emotionally to get married on any other day without my mom there, but to do it on the anniversary of her death would be pretty much downright impossible for me. But that’s me, and you may not feel the same.
I would also consider the feelings of your closest family members. Would your dad be okay with the wedding being on that day? What about other relatives of your mom?
Like you said, though, it’s ultimately your decision, and up to you whether the venue is worth the wedding being on that day or not.
Post # 12
my concern is that you may think you’re ok leading up to the day… buy become emotionally overwhelmed on the day, itself. too risky. i wouldnt do it.
Post # 13
Your mother will be with you regardless of what date you choose and it will be a happy day. If it was me I would go with it and make what was a sad day in history the most happiest-filled with joy days ever.
I lost my mother this past summer just a few days before my birthday and we had her funeral the day after. She always told me the day I was born was one of the happiest days of her life, and I could let it be a reminder of the worst time in my life and all the sorrow but I’m not going to. I plan to take back my birthday next year knowing she’d be happy and will be with me in my heart.
Let it be the same for you, your mom would be so happy regardless of what day or anniversary it is. Don’t let something sad ruin your dream venue, make it a happy day!
Post # 14
AnonymissPDX: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it – as you said ultimately it’s your choice. Do you have other family members who might not be okay with it?
The thing about these things – you never know what’s going to happen on any given day later either. My maternal grandmother (who I never knew) passed away on my mom’s birthday. That day is now bittersweet for her but there’s nothing anyone could do to predcit that.
Putting something positive back into a day that’s a little negative for you could be good.
Post # 15
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
A friend intentionally had her legal ceremony on the anniversary of the day her father passed away. She said she felt his presence, and it was a way to bring joy to what was otherwise a very, very sad day for her.
On the flip side, both of Mr. LK’s parents have passed and I know not to plan anything on those anniversaries. They are just not days for leaving the house. So i think it really depends on your current relationship with that day and whether or not you will be able to feel happy in light of the anniversary.