- 9 years ago
- Wedding: May 2012
hello bees 🙂 excuse the uber long post in advance
so some background. I come from 2 huge extended families. both of my parents are one of 8 kids, most of which have married, had kids, etc. I have 21 aunts and uncles and 27 first cousins. I am very close with my mom’s side. we all live locally and do monthly birthdays (since there are to many people to have single parties, lol) plus various “just because” dinners. they will all be invited to my wedding.
My dad’s side however, is another story. While my siblings and I have never been openly mistreated, there have been years of passive aggressive actions and comments that have scarred me and made me feel insecure and excluded. I remember being 5 and having my grandma babysit me and my cousins and watching them get sweets and special gifts while we received none. as i grew older i noticed the favoritism more and more. cousins would have sports games, choir performances, etc that the whole family would attend but when my siblings or i had one, no one would show (yes, they we’re aware of the event in advance and invited). My dad’s side is mexican and my mom’s is irish.
recently (maybe a year or two ago) my mom asked me if i ever felt excluded by my dad’s side because she noticed the same things i did. i never told her about the favortisim when i was younger, i figured that maybe my mom told my grnadma to not let me have sweets. now i find out that she did no such thing and is very upset that it happened and i didnt tell her. my mom then told me that my dads side has never supported that he married “a white girl” (he’s the only one who married out of his race) and is “rich” (we’re so not). she has never felt welcome and by extension, i dont think we are accepted either. we do attend major holidays and i always feel so excluded. i grew up watching “that family” being so close and involved with each other, but they never opened up the door for my mom or siblings. They still get along great with my dad, he is not shunned in any way, but when i’m around them it is clear that my mom and siblings are. recently my dads side got together for a birthday party at the favorite pizza place and we only knew about it bc my cousins posted about it on facebook. “it was so great having the whole family come out for my birthday party!” everyone was invited except my immediate family. stuff like that happens all the time. there have even been cases where they have “march birthdays” for S, J, and T!! my sister has a birthday in march too, and never has she been included in the “family birthday”.
there are particular aunts, uncles, and cousins that i do like very much and get along with. However, since my dads side is so close i feel very conflicted about inviting A, B, and C aunts, uncles, and cousins and not the rest. everyone is local (10 mins or so) so I know my wedding and the invites (or lack thereof) WILL be talked about and judged. While this side of my family has greatly hurt me ,i feel bad about not inviting them all to my wedding. i’m not the type of person to be mean or petty and i feel like I will be no better than them if i do that. My fiance has gone to many family occasions and has noticed the exclusion as well. As such, he is not very keen on inviting them all but he tells me it is my decision and he will support me.
when i think about it: no, i do not want those people there at my wedding. but at the same time i will feel like such a bad person if i pick and choose between them. I feel like i will be exhibiting the same behavior that they have inflicted upon me.
I should probably mention that my venue allows 125 people max (80 people comfortabally). if i invited everyone that is related to me we would already have 70 people and that doesnt even include our 10 person bridal party, fiance’s family,or our friends (which i would rather have there than this side of the family)
what do you think bees? how should i handle this? do i be the bigger person and suck it up or invite only those who i feel close to?