Post # 1
So Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been together for almost 2 years, known each other for 5. A couple things you should know – Boyfriend or Best Friend is 13.5 years older than me. I’m 20 and he’s 33. We are not yet engaged but have gone looking at rings and have basically planned our wedding to a certain degree.
He’s told me before that ideally he’d like to be no older than 38 when we have our first child. That means he basically would like to have kids no later than 5 years from now.
Currently I’m in an undergraduate degree program studying Animal Biology originally with the hopes of applying to veterinary school (all in all the total amount of schooling is 8 years). Recently though I’ve really changed my mind about wanting to continue with this program because I don’t want to be in school for that long so I’ve applied to a nursing program that’s in my hometown so I can also be closer to Boyfriend or Best Friend.
Anyways if I stay in my program it’s almost not-doable for me to have kids within that amount of time. But I already decided I want to go through nursing and am just waiting back to hear whether or not I’ve been accepted.
The amount of schooling there normally is 4 year undergraduate degree but hopefully with my 2 years of courses I should be able to knock a year off of that.
Okay so my original question. He said he wants kids in 5 years maximum. I told him that we HAVE to be married before we have kids. I won’t budge.
He said he didn’t mind but if I do end up staying in my program it really really complicates things.
Is it wrong for me to say that? I’m not always traditional but that is one thing – I really want to be married FIRST.
Post # 3
No it’s not wrong for you to have said that at all!! Stick to your guns lady.
Post # 4
Not wrong at all. If his 5 years max doesn’t fit in with your education then he needs to readjust his timeline. Thats life, things don’t always happen on some pre set 5 year plan. You getting your degree is worth putting children off for awhile longer.
Post # 5
I mean he’s not upset by it but I’ve read about people feeling bad about putting a timeline on things.
I kind of feel bad because if I do stay in my program it means he’s going to have to wait until after I’m done.
Especially because we live 4 hours apart it would definitely NOT be doable!
Post # 6
@CallmeC – yeah I agree as well. He has said that it could be do-able but I really don’t want to do it.
If I stick with this program we wouldn’t be having kids for 8 years and that’s that. He said he’d stay home with the baby and take care of everything but I don’t want to miss things!
I don’t want to be gone all day and come home to study. I’d become a stranger in my baby’s life and I don’t want that. I want to enjoy my baby.
Post # 7
Absolutely not wrong! What I think is wrong is you feeling like you have to tailor your life to the timeline of an SO that is so much older than you. Finishing your schooling and starting your career is important, you shouldn’t rush yourself to fit in babies too, before you’re comfortable or ready. And then to top it off, feeling like you should be okay with having your children out of wedlock and without commitment from your SO, just so he can have things his way. Wtf?
Post # 8
Stick to your guns. Your young and you have accomplishments to make before you have children and ONE of them is marriage. You have a right to want marriage first for the security of the child.
Post # 9
one question: Who is carrying the baby for 9 months?
Post # 10
@MisfitPrincess: Haha thanks! It’s not that I don’t feel ready to have kids – if I wasn’t in school I would want them NOW haha (baby fever)
I don’t think he’s being unreasonable (he’s been pretty flexible) but let’s just say he’s really happy I’m switching into Nursing (not just for the baby aspect but because we won’t be LDR anymore, I won’t be struggling in a competitive program and be upset constantly etc.)
Rush1986 : Thank you! I thought so too. I also don’t really want to have a baby before I get settled in a job/career. I’m not sure how many employers would want to hire an obviously pregnant woman considering she’ll need a year of maternity leave (in Canada)
amoret11: Haha! So true! He’s brought up maybe having the baby just after I graduate which would mean getting pregnant in my last year but what about complications? What if I get so sick I can’t go to my classes? Or if I get put on bedrest?! I agree with you.
Post # 11
Stick to your guns! Nothing wrong with saying you want marriage before babies.
I went through something similar lately. Fiance told me he does not want to have kids past the age of 35. Then one day I finally broke down and started crying because it had been weighing on my for a while that I had to choose – either dont go back to school and have kids NOW, or go back to school and risk not being able to have kids b/c of his dumb timeline.
Then I realized that, ok it’s nice that he has a timeline, but I’m the one that has to get pregnant and put my life on hold for baby. And what if there are complications? I finally told him this after my crying fit and he realized that he was not being supportive/reasonable. He admitted that he never ment for me to feel pressured to choose and that we can talk about it once I’m done school. My program is only 2 years, though.
You just have to talk to him. You are 20…if you want to be a vet or do something else with your life, he should support that, and then worry about a family. He might realize that he is being unreasonable. Or you might realize that his demands are not working for you.
Post # 12
Stick to your guns, honey. You’re so young and have goals and plans. He’s had lots of time to accomplish those things, it’s unfair of him to cut your time short for this stuff because of his timeline. If his timeline’s so important, he should have dated someone who was already at the point of being ready. Instead he chose you, and because of that, tough cookies if it’s not soon enough for him.
Congrats on your program, btw. 🙂
Post # 13
I love your responses. I definitely have stuck to my guns when we’ve talked about it.
If I stay in my program then he’ll just have to wait 6 years.
If I switch well then that’s a different story!
Post # 14
It’s your life. Don’t make any decisions that you aren’t behind yourself 100%. Otherwise you might end up resenting your boyfriend/future husband and even your children. You are so young, get your education, live your life, and then let everything else fall into place. My mom (who is now divorced from my dad) got married young and had children young. She always goes on and on about going back and redoing her life. She would have stayed in school, would have put off children for later. I would hate to live with that kind of regret, especially when you have so much time. If he isn’t willing to be flexible, then he isn’t a very understanding partner. Just because he happens to be so much older, it should not mean that you are on a tigher timeline. He’ll have to wait, and as another poster said, that’s just life sometimes!! Best of luck to you though!
Post # 15
I think you know the answer – you want to wait until your program is complete. But who says you can’t get married before you finish your program? That way you can finish your program, start work, and then begin thinking about having a baby.
I would say though that babies dont have to complicate or change your life – a lot of my friends have returned to study part time after having their children.
I am sure he will be fine with this – 5 years is still a long way away!
Post # 16
I agree that a five year timeline is a bit unfair to you, especially considering age and how much you still want to do before then.
On another topic, if you are waffling about your vet school dreams- reconsider. I say that with the best intentions and a good bit of experience. The 8 year plan works out for the vast minority of people, most take longer and vet school is not something to do half heartedly. Even the most enthusiastic people get burned out at some point, and those that aren’t 100% sure end up miserable.