Post # 1
Little background. Been together with my SO for almost 3 years. I am 25 he is 33 and he knows that I want’t to get engaged sometime next year and marry in about a year and a half after engagement. We have a great relationship,we live together, and are committed he just feels he needs to be in a better steady financial state before moving forward. We had that talk a couple times but I have decided to leave it alone and revisit after our 3 year anniversary in Feb. no timeline, so the uncertainty is eating me away!
So, his younger brother got married in the beginning of summer and all of his family came out from different parts of the country, and we all spent a lot of time together even after the wedding in our own town. (the wedding was an hour out of town) The newlyweds had a beautiful wedding and I was very happy to be there and be included in their family event. I was happy! as the week went on I was still happy but found myself I guess getting jealous. (Typical right!? waiting sucks.)
We went to a couple family dinners with both sets of parents, aunts, uncles, siblings and everyone kept slipping in “how is Mr. & Mrs. July!? And the newlyweds were calling each other that as well and everyone was just oohing and awing about welcome to the family and how happy they are to be joining and future plans and things like that. I was the only non family member at the outings. even the brides little sister is engaged and her fiance was there as well. They are like 19 years old! I just couldn’t help but feel the sting every time they said my SOs last name because I so badly want to move forward and have that last name too. It was just really hard for me and I felt bad because I should be happy for them and the family that I one day want to be apart of.
please know i am not trying to be catty/rude, but Its not like I am even jealous of the actual couple. The bride has never not lived with her parents, they both live with the in-laws,arent in school/never been and work at dead end jobs. (wedding was paid for by parents)
There is a big family vacation coming up this summer (june) and both families are going. My SO just assumes that I am going too and has been talking about it lately. As much as I LOVE his family and my SO I don’t think I am going to be able to handle it.
I can just see myself becoming resentful because I know he isn’t going to propose before june (i dont have a promise ring or anything either) and It is going to be another vacation where I am the only non family person. It is great that his family includes me and want me there and he tells me all the time how much his family likes me. it just hurts that my SO isn’t ready to make it official and isn’t going to for awhile.
I am going to wait and see where things are at our 3 year mark before I make up my mind. I know I should just suck it up and go and have fun and bond but being in waiting and not being sure of a future is so hard! AM I BEING SELFISH? probably.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry. Waiting does suck. But if you are anything like me, you probably go through times that are easier than others. So hang tight and make a decision at your 3 year mark, like you said. However, I would make sure your SO knows that you are undecided, so he isn’t surprised in a few months. Maybe you can just tell him that you are thrilled to be included, but you need a little time to figure out if you can make it happen. I hope you come around to a place where you are happy with your relationship as it is and you can enjoy some lovely family time.
Post # 4
I think you’re being a bit selfish and resentful for no reason, yes. 🙂
I was with my fiance for 7 years. I got to know his family and felt like a part of them even if it wasn’t “official”… I liked them and they were really welcoming towards me, so everyone knew it was just a matter of time. His sister and his brother both have had various previous relationships in that time, and both got married before we did! Even my little brother met and married his wife in that period. Perhaps we took things a little more slow (okay, A LOT more slow) but there was never any doubt in anyone’s mind where it was going and we felt no rush. I felt nothing but happiness for our siblings when they got married… although people did start asking “so when are YOU TWO going to get married??”
I feel just as much a part of the family as those that hold the last name… perhaps even more so since I’ve been around longer. 😛 For me nothing really changed after the engagement. I don’t think your boyfriend would drag you along to all the family events if he wasn’t serious about the relationship. If you get to be too pushy or resentful, you may lose a lot more than you gain. It’s not a competition or a race.
Post # 5
I think not going will make things 10 times worse with your SO and his family…how is it going to look if he goes and you do not? IMO it would look like your “too good” for them or don’t even want to be a part of his family. I’m not trying to be rude but I have a sister in law who when she visits is in the basement a lot of the time and doesnt get invloved in much…and everyone talks about how rude it is. So I would say this is a similar situation, if you love his family and want to be a part of it and want to prove to your SO that you respect his family then GO!! 🙂
Post # 6
That does sound pretty petty. Obviously the family does still try to make you feel included and not like an outsider because you aren’t “offical” yet. It seems totally selfish to be so jealous of someone elses happy time. You say you aren’t jealous but the whole post reeks of jealousy. It is understandable. you have been waiting longer! But to not go on something like a big family vacation will not endear him to asking anytime sooner. I think you need to have a conversation with your SO because obviously the way things are isn’t working for you, but just saying you aren’t going to go on a family vacation because you can’t handle everyone else being happy seems to be in poor taste.
Post # 7
I think you should take his desire for you to come on the trip as a really good sign. He clearly sees you as a part of his family! I think you should go, or you risk driving a wedge in your relationships with him and his family.
Post # 8
I went on two family vacations with my Fiance before he proposed. Both times I thought he might pop the question, but it didn’t happen. I can relate. It was hard to put on a happy face when the vacation was almost over and I knew it wasn’t going to happen. We had been together just about 3 years when he proposed out of the blue at home on an ordinary day. My advice would be just to suck it up and go, but try not to let the fact that you are still waiting on a ring ruin it. Hopefully he will come through before too long!
Post # 9
If you want to be a part of this family, I suggest you be a part of this family.
Post # 10
In my opinion, you either want to be with him or you don’t. If you’re not willing to wait as long as he wants/needs you to then that is fair. 3 years is a long time and he is a bit too old to be so indecisive in my opinion. But if you decide that he’s worth the wait then I think you just need to be “all in” and really enjoy your time with him and do all the things that you’d do anyways if you weren’t feeling badly about waiting. I feel like if you’re being to put pressure on him or opt out of things until you’re engaged, you’re going to put the relationship you want to have in jeopardy.
Post # 11
I’ve been on 2 vacations with my guy and his family so far. I’ve found the theory of being with the family and thinking it will exaccerbate the feeling of not yet being engaged is stronger in theory than it is in reality. I’ve found that the second I’m with them a lot of my worries vanish and I just simply have a good time. Separating yourself from them when you are so close to become a part of them really won’t go over well.
Like julies1949 said – if you want to be a part of the family you have to be a part of the family. Family member or not a family member, being a part of a family isn’t about sharing a last name. It’s about sharing a deep relationship with a group of people. And you won’t have that by avoiding vacations because you’re worried it will make waiting harder.
Chin up! 🙂 Don’t worry. You’ll probably have a great time.
Post # 12
Thanks everyone for your comments. I most likely will go if I can get the time off as it is a long trip/long flight to where his family lives.
I think I am also upset because a couple months ago I asked SO if he wanted to go visit my family for christmas (he wasnt going to make the long trip this year to see his, my family lives an hourand a half away flying) and he pretty much said no because he doesnt know where he is going to be at with his job/life/taking time off during that time and to me it just seemed like he didn’t really want to try or make an effort, yet he just assumes I will make an expensive trip with his family when it is something thats important to him. its a mix of things that I need to work out with him.
Post # 13
Fiance went on at least 4 family vacations before we were engaged, and one family trip after we were engaged. My siblings are younger and so we still have huge family vacations that I was a part of. I think if we go post-marriage, we’ll pay for ourselves. (Normally we rent a cabin, condo, etc, because there are so many of us.)
Like PPs have said, yes some days are harder than others…but it doesn’t sound as if either he or his family is ostracizing you or pointing out that you are not “officially” a part of the family. It sounds like you have it pretty good compared to some girls who are treated as second-rate before becoming engaged.
I do think you should go, and I do think sucking it up would be your best move in this situation. It’s a vacation, it’s supposed to be fun. It isn’t about who is married and who is not.
Post # 14
Just saw your reply above mine. That does change things a bit. Sounds like you are frustrated that he expects you to do his family things but you can not expect the same from him. That is understandable. But also, those things aren’t always “eye for an eye” type situations. It is something to discuss for sure.
Post # 15
I think your feelings sound justified. You can’t help how you feel, and I’ve certainly felt sad/jealous/hurt in similar situations. I just don’t think you’ll help your cause by avoiding it. It’s likely to cause hurt feelings that may delay things even more if you withdraw. If you want to continue the relationship and move forward with the SO, it sounds like your best bet would be to go on the trip and be as positive as you can.
ETA: what if he bought you a ticket? If he isn’t willing to travel 1.5 hours to visit your family but expects you to do much more to see his, then he can certainly foot the bill for the plane ticket.
Post # 16
@AmeliaBedelia: Yeah it is a little frustrating, he does’t like to be out of his comfort zone and is pretty set in his ways being in his 30’s. I understand that he has stresses right now with trying to do a career change I would of just appreciated a little effort or even a veil of effort. and true,being in a relationship isnt “eye for an eye”