(Closed) Is it wrong I dont want to go on his family vacation?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Should I just suck it up and go?
    yes : (57 votes)
    77 %
    no : (7 votes)
    9 %
    think about it : (10 votes)
    14 %
  • Post # 3
    406 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I’m so sorry. Waiting does suck. But if you are anything like me, you probably go through times that are easier than others. So hang tight and make a decision at your 3 year mark, like you said. However, I would make sure your SO knows that you are undecided, so he isn’t surprised in a few months. Maybe you can just tell him that you are thrilled to be included, but you need a little time to figure out if you can make it happen. I hope you come around to a place where you are happy with your relationship as it is and you can enjoy some lovely family time.

    Post # 4
    126 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    I think you’re being a bit selfish and resentful for no reason, yes.  ๐Ÿ™‚ 

    I was with my fiance for 7 years.  I got to know his family and felt like a part of them even if it wasn’t “official”… I liked them and they were really welcoming towards me, so everyone knew it was just a matter of time.  His sister and his brother both have had various previous relationships in that time, and both got married before we did!  Even my little brother met and married his wife in that period.  Perhaps we took things a little more slow (okay, A LOT more slow) but there was never any doubt in anyone’s mind where it was going and we felt no rush.  I felt nothing but happiness for our siblings when they got married… although people did start asking “so when are YOU TWO going to get married??”  

    I feel just as much a part of the family as those that hold the last name… perhaps even more so since I’ve been around longer.  ๐Ÿ˜›  For me nothing really changed after the engagement.  I don’t think your boyfriend would drag you along to all the family events if he wasn’t serious about the relationship.  If you get to be too pushy or resentful, you may lose a lot more than you gain.  It’s not a competition or a race.

    Post # 5
    1128 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    I think not going will make things 10 times worse with your SO and his family…how is it going to look if he goes and you do not? IMO it would look like your “too good” for them or don’t even want to be a part of his family. I’m not trying to be rude but I have a sister in law who when she visits is in the basement a lot of the time and doesnt get invloved in much…and everyone talks about how rude it is. So I would say this is a similar situation, if you love his family and want to be a part of it and want to prove to your SO that you respect his family then GO!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 6
    5547 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: December 2011

    That does sound pretty petty. Obviously the family does still try to make you feel included and not like an outsider because you aren’t “offical” yet. It seems totally selfish to be so jealous of someone elses happy time. You say you aren’t jealous but the whole post reeks of jealousy. It is understandable. you have been waiting longer! But to not go on something like a big family vacation will not endear him to asking anytime sooner. I think you need to have a conversation with your SO because obviously the way things are isn’t working for you, but just saying you aren’t going to go on a family vacation because you can’t handle everyone else being happy seems to be in poor taste. 

    Post # 7
    1211 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I think you should take his desire for you to come on the trip as a really good sign. He clearly sees you as a part of his family! I think you should go, or you risk driving a wedge in your relationships with him and his family. 

    Post # 8
    1015 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I went on two family vacations with my Fiance before he proposed. Both times I thought he might pop the question, but it didn’t happen. I can relate. It was hard to put on a happy face when the vacation was almost over and I knew it wasn’t going to happen. We had been together just about 3 years when he proposed out of the blue at home on an ordinary day. My advice would be just to suck it up and go, but try not to let the fact that you are still waiting on a ring ruin it. Hopefully he will come through before too long!

    Post # 9
    46334 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    If you want to be a part of this family, I suggest you be a part of this family.

    Post # 10
    11325 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2011

    In my opinion, you either want to be with him or you don’t. If you’re not willing to wait as long as he wants/needs you to then that is fair. 3 years is a long time and he is a bit too old to be so indecisive in my opinion. But if you decide that he’s worth the wait then I think you just need to be “all in” and really enjoy your time with him and do all the things that you’d do anyways if you weren’t feeling badly about waiting. I feel like if you’re being to put pressure on him or opt out of things until you’re engaged, you’re going to put the relationship you want to have in jeopardy. 

    Post # 11
    2893 posts
    Sugar bee

    I’ve been on 2 vacations with my guy and his family so far. I’ve found the theory of being with the family and thinking it will exaccerbate the feeling of not yet being engaged is stronger in theory than it is in reality. I’ve found that the second I’m with them a lot of my worries vanish and I just simply have a good time. Separating yourself from them when you are so close to become a part of them really won’t go over well.

    Like julies1949 said – if you want to be a part of the family you have to be a part of the family. Family member or not a family member, being a part of a family isn’t about sharing a last name. It’s about sharing a deep relationship with a group of people. And you won’t have that by avoiding vacations because you’re worried it will make waiting harder.

    Chin up! ๐Ÿ™‚ Don’t worry. You’ll probably have a great time.

    Post # 13
    6893 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    Fiance went on at least 4 family vacations before we were engaged, and one family trip after we were engaged. My siblings are younger and so we still have huge family vacations that I was a part of. I think if we go post-marriage, we’ll pay for ourselves. (Normally we rent a cabin, condo, etc, because there are so many of us.)

    Like PPs have said, yes some days are harder than others…but it doesn’t sound as if either he or his family is ostracizing you or pointing out that you are not “officially” a part of the family. It sounds like you have it pretty good compared to some girls who are treated as second-rate before becoming engaged.

    I do think you should go, and I do think sucking it up would be your best move in this situation. It’s a vacation, it’s supposed to be fun. It isn’t about who is married and who is not.

    Post # 14
    6893 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    Just saw your reply above mine. That does change things a bit. Sounds like you are frustrated that he expects you to do his family things but you can not expect the same from him. That is understandable. But also, those things aren’t always “eye for an eye” type situations. It is something to discuss for sure.

    Post # 15
    171 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I think your feelings sound justified. You can’t help how you feel, and I’ve certainly felt sad/jealous/hurt in similar situations. I just don’t think you’ll help your cause by avoiding it. It’s likely to cause hurt feelings that may delay things even more if you withdraw. If you want to continue the relationship and move forward with the SO, it sounds like your best bet would be to go on the trip and be as positive as you can. 

    ETA: what if he bought you a ticket? If he isn’t willing to travel 1.5 hours to visit your family but expects you to do much more to see his, then he can certainly foot the bill for the plane ticket.

    The topic ‘Is it wrong I dont want to go on his family vacation?’ is closed to new replies.

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