Post # 1
to ask my Maid/Matron of Honor to not invite her complicated (in terms of relationship) on again/off again boyfriend to come to the wedding. They have been “off” for a bout a year and (hopefully) will still be off by the time the wedding rolls around. Side note: they weren’t broken up and moved on. More like lived together bc they didn’t wanna break the lease. They have 2 kids together and she’s had a real hard time officially letting go of the idea of having her family together. However, she told me recently she def wants to bring someone (which is totally fine with me!). But I hate this guy with a passion. I asked her who she had in mind of bringing. She said she didn’t know. I said would you bring him if she didn’t have anyone else to ask. She said maybe but she didn’t know how things would be with them at the point…..as if friendly broken up or hate eachother not talking broken up. Needless to say, he’s not a good guy…..abusive – both verbal and in the past physical, manipulative, controlling, etc. I was one time afraid I would have to invite him for fear he would either A. make it so that she missed the wedding (i.e. take her keys, hide them, etc — he has done this type of thing in the past when he didn’t want her to go somewhere) or B. come to the wedding uninvited and cause drama. Two of my best friend’s ex’s will be at the wedding – they happen to be my FI’s best friend and cousin. Her ex hates these 2 guys even though my Boyfriend or Best Friend has no feelings torwards her ex’s and doesn’t talk to them anymore. I don’t think at this point he would not let her go but I am fearful of drama at the wedding due to him not being able to control his insecurity and jealousy.
So, is it “bridezilla-ish” of me to ask her to please not invite him no matter what their level of liking eachother in three and a half months is???
Post # 3
Yes, it is bridezilla-ish. You don’t get to give conditional plus-ones.
Post # 4
I don’t think it is bridezilla of you. This is your special event and if it detracts from your day to have him there, and there seems to be GREAT potential that things may go south on the wedding day between them, don’t invite him in the first place. I am giving “conditional plus ones” if my friends are still with their longterm boyfriends when the wedding roles around (we know and like them all) then they can bring them, however if this is not the case, please don’t bring a stranger (or in your case, someone worse than a stranger).
Post # 5
Normally I would say that you don’t get to dictate who people bring as a guest. This sounds like a special case though. I would say talk to her. Maybe this is a good time to talk to her about how you feel about their relationship and your concern for her physical and mental well being. The whole night will be much more stress free and fun for you and her if he doesn’t come.
Post # 6
hmmmm, in the interest of avoiding drama on your wedding day: 50% of me would ask her not to invite him.
The other 50% of me thinks you would be alienating her if you asked her not to bring him.
My reasoning behind this? I was in an abusive relationship and NOBODY in my family wanted this guy around. He wasn’t ever invited to a family function, holiday, wedding, barbeque, graduation, etc. in the entire 7 years we were together. Yes, 7 years! While I was “smart” enough to realize why they didn’t want him around and accepted that fact, a part of me was seriously resentful that they didn’t love me enough (I know how crazy it sounds but that’s where I was at during that time of my life) to want to include the person I was sharing myevery day life with. Furthermore, I stopped talking to my only brother for 2 years because he refused to accept my relationship. 2 years I will never get back. So while I completely understand where you’re coming from, there is a bunch of deeper issues that she’s dealing with that may push her over the edge and DIRECTLY into his abusive coercive ways. Tread carefully on this.
Post # 7
@future mrs j: I have spoken to her on many many occasions concerning her relationship, my concern for her, etc. Her others friends have done the same. It had no effect and if anything she would only get hostile with us, defend him, and thus turning closer to him. She seems as though she’s at the point of being indifferent torwards him and ready to move on from him and his antics. However, because they have kids together I’m always afraid she’ll be swept off her feet by the cycles of abuse and back into the craziness that consumes her world when she’s with him.
Post # 8
I think it should be her decision… if you have space for her to bring a guest, she should choose who that guest is.
Post # 9
@eebgniddew: I appreciate your honesty and personal insight on this. Although she and I have been friends for over 20 yrs, she has been with him off and on for 8 years. There were many times I couldn’t handle what he had done to her, would speak my mind to her about it, and she would turn away from me. We’ve gone weeks without talking because of him. She was in denial and it’s definetly tested our friendship.
Sadly, the abuse isn’t ultimately what made her not want to be with him. It was his cheating on her. I wish she could have woken up to all the ways this man negatively affected her, however; I know that’s part of the cycle and when it’s the honeymoon phase — boy can he be the sweetest person ever!
Nonetheless, I’ll def take into consideration what you have said. Thanks!!
Post # 10
@eebgniddew: I forgot to ask what made you ultimately decide to leave the relationship?
Post # 11
In this case as they aren’t dating I would mention to her that you would prefer if she choose someone else to bring. I wouldn’t make a big deal about it if she did.. I would just mention it to her now while there is time. I had a similar situation where I don’t like one of my BMs on/off exes (she used to be my roomate.. and there is a lot of history) I told her I would prefer it if she didnt bring him as her date.. she was fine with it as she knows Fiance and I aren’t fans of him and she is bringing someone else.
Post # 12
wow, that’s a hard decision. normally, yes, I think the whole Wedding Party, and def the Maid/Matron of Honor gets an automatic “plus 1,” but if there is some serious abusive or manipulative concerns with him… you might have to decide between alienating her from yourself if you say he can’t come and having him around…
maybe you could say to her, “look, you know how I feel about him. I just don’t think it’s good for either of us if he is there. I’m not going to forbid you from bringing him, but really, it’s just one day, and it’s also my wedding day. could you please try and bring someone else?”
Post # 13
I think if you give her a +1, you cannot dictate who that +1 can or cannot be (no matter how much you hate this on again, off again BF).