Post # 5
As my pre-marriage counselor put it best the most important thing in marriage is protect the relationship. My Fiance and I are open to friendships of the opposite sex however knowing outright that one of those people wants more than a friendship would make things a bit uncomfortable.
I had this happen to me, long time male friend of 10+ years, and needless to say that male and I are not as close. We touch base every now and then but frankly how can a friendship be just that if the other person makes their feelings known to someone who is already in a serious relationship? That doesn’t seem like a satisfying friendship to either party In My Humble Opinion.
Post # 1
My friend and I got into an interesting discussion about boundaries. He is married, and has mostly female friends. I told him I think some of his other female friends are interested in him. He said he didn’t care- that some of them probably are, but he is 100% committed to his wife. He sees nothing wrong with being friends of women who he thinks want a relationship with him and spending 1 on 1 time with them as long as it is in a public place (going to dinner ok but not going to a non-public place), that he makes it very clear that he is 100% committed to his wife, and that they don’t do anything inappropriate (like make a move). To be clear- none of these women have said they wanted to date him, but my gut says they do. What do you think about this?
ETA: As I tried to communicate in my original post- this is NOT that a woman has said she likes him. This is subtle things that make him think the woman MIGHT be interested. He tries to make it very clear that he is 100% committed to his wife. For example, when he suspected a new friend might be interested, he said to her, “I am annoyed with [another woman] who was hitting on me, when she should know that I am very happily married.” I don’t see how this is leading someone on.
Post # 3
I think if:
1) Whomever the friend is respects the boundaries, regardless of the crush
2) There are no feelings or intention on the married person’s part
3) The spouse of the married person is ok with the friendship
…then it could work.
ETA: I think it would be strange to confess feelings for a friend (married or single). I’d think it was that person opening to the door to see if the feelings were mutual.
Post # 4
Personally, if I knew of the feelings, I probably wouldn’t talk to that person/want Fiance talking to that person. Just too awkward haha
Post # 6
Yikes! I have mixed feelings about this. It is an odd spot to be in. When my Fiance and I announced our engadgement to his friends, one friend in particular was extremely rude to me the whole night, kept putting me down, and was just sour grapes.
She demanded to sit next to my Fiance, and asked if I “minded.” She brought up all of his ex-girlfriends in front of me, told him how cute he looked in his outfit, and the kicker was her saying how one time he made a comment about how pretty her lips were. That was it. I told her to change the subject quickly.
She came to town not too long ago, and invited herself to stay in our guest room. My Darling Husband asked me if that was ok, and I told him it made me highly uncomfortable, but he doesn’t speak “woman” so I had to lay it out there for him why. It was obvious she was carrying a torch for him.
I was told by friends at our wedding, she was a total snot, but still at the end of the day, he married me. Same with your friend. He married his wife, and he is an adult who can manage himself. Getting in the way of his autonomy and micromanaging him would only cause resentment. I’d rather just let him be faithful to me on his own like he promised he always would be.
I trust my husband, but I don’t trust HER. But because I trust him, it was ok that they had lunch together when she was in town. It’s foolish of me to think that his pre-me life has to stop cold-turkey. I’m not that controlling. And I am confident he would drop her as a friend if she overtly would have tried to get romantic with him. He has said as much, and he is a man of his word.
Post # 7
as much as I’d like to say “as long as you have good boundaries” because that would make it okay for me to hang out with several people with whom I currently don’t, it’s just not the case. it gets too awkward, and I know for a fact that SO would NOT be comfortable with it. he isn’t even comfortable with me hanging out with a person of the opposite sex one-on-one even just as friends. I’ll text you, talk with you on the phone, catch up on facebook, but no hanging out.
Post # 8
No no no way. If your marriage is n.1, why risk it? And why lead the other person on? It can feel good to have someone into you, but I do not think it is healthy for the marriage you are in.
Post # 9
I don’t see an issue with it. If you are 100% committed to your marriage and the other person knows this (so you are not leading them on), I honestly don’t see the problem with still being friends.
Post # 10
I’d like to say yes for myself because attention is always nice but I’d flip my shit if my husband wanted to do the same, and I have to hold myself to the same standard.
Post # 11
I think that once you open the door of temptation its WAAAYY to easy to walk through it! I would NOT under any circumstances be ok w/ my self or my SO hangnin out with anyone I knew wanted to have a relationship with me or him….it’s just too easy for something to happen…
Post # 12
We are very comitted to each other but we choose not to have friends of the opposite sex. It’s one of those doors that we like to keep closed.
Post # 13
I don’t see anything wrong with it. I trust him. He trusts me. I actually do have a couple guy friends who are interested in me…along with a half-dozen other girls, ha. Point being, they’re still my friends. We still enjoy chatting and hanging out. Everyone clearly understands the boundaries and respects them. So, personally, we have no problem with it.
On the other hand, SO doesn’t have many female friends; just the one, actually. She’s married to his best friend, but, ohhh, does she say and do things that make me mad. Very inappropriate stuff. So, in that case, no, it’s not okay, because it causes tension and makes people uncomfortable, including me, my SO, and her husband!
But, of course, I have to make nice, because her husband and my SO are besties. Ugh.
Post # 14
I wouldn’t feel comfortable if either I or my Fiance was in this situation. This is about keeping company with someone who has a clear romantic interest in a person who is committed to someone else. Fiance and I are committed as a couple, but that doesn’t mean that we won’t have a rough patch. During rough times, our relationships become vulnerable, as we are also vulnerable as individuals. Judgement is often clouded by emotion, and I don’t trust a person who has feelings for my Fiance or myself to put our marriage before their own desires.
Post # 15
I think for the most part, it’s not a good idea. I absolutely trust my Fiance and his female friends, but I think if one of them seemed interested in him romantically, I would be uncomfortable. Not in a worried way, just awkward.
However, if a female friend of his ever made a move, I’d want that friendship to end because she clearly doesn’t respect our relationship.
I also think the dynamics and history of the friendship factor in. If it was a long-term friend and a short-term attraction that he/she got over, I think the friendship can possible survive as just that – a good friendship.
Post # 16
This is a tough question. I have noticed since getting engaged a lot of males I talk to reguarily have started making it known that they are interested. I guess they think they can say/text me what they want since I’m getting married and there is no chance that I can return the interest. I usually let friendships like this fizzle b/c it makes me highly uncomfortable. I feel as though if I were to go somewhere or hang out with these friends after their interest is out in the open, that I’m just asking for trouble, you know?
I’m not sure if opposite sex friendships can survive once one of the friends announces their feelings.