(Closed) Is it wrong to hang out with someone interested in you?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Is it ok to be friends with someone who you think is interested in you?
    Yes, as long as you have good boundaries : (41 votes)
    46 %
    No, no matter what : (48 votes)
    54 %
  • Post # 5
    Hostess
    11167 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    As my pre-marriage counselor put it best the most important thing in marriage is protect the relationship. My Fiance and I are open to friendships of the opposite sex however knowing outright that one of those people wants more than a friendship would make things a bit uncomfortable.

    I had this happen to me, long time male friend of 10+ years, and needless to say that male and I are not as close. We touch base every now and then but frankly how can a friendship be just that if the other person makes their feelings known to someone who is already in a serious relationship? That doesn’t seem like a satisfying friendship to either party In My Humble Opinion.

    Post # 3
    Member
    7173 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    I think if:

    1) Whomever the friend is respects the boundaries, regardless of the crush

    2) There are no feelings or intention on the married person’s part

    3) The spouse of the married person is ok with the friendship

    …then it could work.

    ETA:  I think it would be strange to confess feelings for a friend (married or single).  I’d think it was that person opening to the door to see if the feelings were mutual.

    Post # 4
    Member
    573 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Personally, if I knew of the feelings, I probably wouldn’t talk to that person/want Fiance talking to that person. Just too awkward haha

    Post # 6
    Member
    4325 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 1992

    Yikes! I have mixed feelings about this. It is an odd spot to be in. When my Fiance and I announced our engadgement to his friends, one friend in particular was extremely rude to me the whole night, kept putting me down, and was just sour grapes.

    She demanded to sit next to my Fiance, and asked if I “minded.” She brought up all of his ex-girlfriends in front of me, told him how cute he looked in his outfit, and the kicker was her saying how one time he made a comment about how pretty her lips were. That was it. I told her to change the subject quickly.

    She came to town not too long ago, and invited herself to stay in our guest room. My Darling Husband asked me if that was ok, and I told him it made me highly uncomfortable, but he doesn’t speak “woman” so I had to lay it out there for him why. It was obvious she was carrying a torch for him.

    I was told by friends at our wedding, she was a total snot, but still at the end of the day, he married me. Same with your friend. He married his wife, and he is an adult who can manage himself. Getting in the way of his autonomy and micromanaging him would only cause resentment. I’d rather just let him be faithful to me on his own like he promised he always would be.

    I trust my husband, but I don’t trust HER. But because I trust him, it was ok that they had lunch together when she was in town. It’s foolish of me to think that his pre-me life has to stop cold-turkey. I’m not that controlling. And I am confident he would drop her as a friend if she overtly would have tried to get romantic with him. He has said as much, and he is a man of his word.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2025 posts
    Buzzing bee

    as much as I’d like to say “as long as you have good boundaries” because that would make it okay for me to hang out with several people with whom I currently don’t, it’s just not the case. it gets too awkward, and I know for a fact that SO would NOT be comfortable with it. he isn’t even comfortable with me hanging out with a person of the opposite sex one-on-one even just as friends. I’ll text you, talk with you on the phone, catch up on facebook, but no hanging out.

    Post # 8
    Member
    7770 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    No no no way.  If your marriage is n.1, why risk it?  And why lead the other person on?  It can feel good to have someone into you, but I do not think it is healthy for the marriage you are in.

    Post # 9
    Member
    13096 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I don’t see an issue with it.  If you are 100% committed to your marriage and the other person knows this (so you are not leading them on), I honestly don’t see the problem with still being friends.

    Post # 10
    Member
    2638 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2006

    I’d like to say yes for myself because attention is always nice but I’d flip my shit if my husband wanted to do the same, and I have to hold myself to the same standard.

    Post # 11
    Member
    598 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I think that once you open the door of temptation its WAAAYY to easy to walk through it!  I would NOT under any circumstances be ok w/ my self or my SO hangnin out with anyone I knew wanted to have a relationship with me or him….it’s just too easy for something to happen…

    Post # 12
    Member
    368 posts
    Helper bee

    We are very comitted to each other but we choose not to have friends of the opposite sex. It’s one of those doors that we like to keep closed.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1735 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I don’t see anything wrong with it. I trust him. He trusts me. I actually do have a couple guy friends who are interested in me…along with a half-dozen other girls, ha. Point being, they’re still my friends. We still enjoy chatting and hanging out. Everyone clearly understands the boundaries and respects them. So, personally, we have no problem with it.

    On the other hand, SO doesn’t have many female friends; just the one, actually. She’s married to his best friend, but, ohhh, does she say and do things that make me mad. Very inappropriate stuff. So, in that case, no, it’s not okay, because it causes tension and makes people uncomfortable, including me, my SO, and her husband!

    But, of course, I have to make nice, because her husband and my SO are besties. Ugh.

    Post # 14
    Member
    119 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I wouldn’t feel comfortable if either I or my Fiance was in this situation. This is about keeping company with someone who has a clear romantic interest in a person who is committed to someone else. Fiance and I are committed as a couple, but that doesn’t mean that we won’t have a rough patch. During rough times, our relationships become vulnerable, as we are also vulnerable as individuals. Judgement is often clouded by emotion, and I don’t trust a person who has feelings for my Fiance or myself to put our marriage before their own desires.

    Post # 15
    Member
    4337 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I think for the most part, it’s not a good idea. I absolutely trust my Fiance and his female friends, but I think if one of them seemed interested in him romantically, I would be uncomfortable.  Not in a worried way, just awkward.

    However, if a female friend of his ever made a move, I’d want that friendship to end because she clearly doesn’t respect our relationship. 

    I also think the dynamics and history of the friendship factor in. If it was a long-term friend and a short-term attraction that he/she got over, I think the friendship can possible survive as just that – a good friendship.

    Post # 16
    Member
    3798 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    This is a tough question. I have noticed since getting engaged a lot of males I talk to reguarily have started making it known that they are interested. I guess they think they can say/text me what they want since I’m getting married and there is no chance that I can return the interest. I usually let friendships like this fizzle b/c it makes me highly uncomfortable. I feel as though if I were to go somewhere or hang out with these friends after their interest is out in the open, that I’m just asking for trouble, you know?

    I’m not sure if opposite sex friendships can survive once one of the friends announces their feelings.

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