Post # 1
I’ve always heard that it was improper.
I live in TX but I’m getting married in NC, which is where I’m from and most of my friends and family live. When I gave my bridesmaid my invite list for my shower in TX I only included people who are invited to the wedding. My Future Mother-In-Law, who lives in Texas, apparently gave the bridesmaid a separate list with ten or twelve people on it who aren’t invited to the wedding, all are her friends I presume. Most of them I hardly know. The bridesmaid says that this is borderline improper, but may be okay because the wedding is in another state. I DO NOT want to look like I’m soliciting gifts. Frankly, the whole shower thing makes me uncomfortable in the first place.
Should those additional ten or so people be invited to the shower even though they’re not invited to the wedding?
Post # 3
I don’t think so. I think it would be wierd having virtual strangers at my bridal shower, but it’s kind of your bm to want to invite alot of people to honor you.
Post # 4
I would check with your Future Mother-In-Law if you can. While it is usually improper, she may have some friends who have said to her “we know we’re not going to the wedding but we would really love the opportunity to celebrate, would it be ok if we came to the shower?” In this situation I would make an exception IF you are happy for them to attend of course. It’s your party!
Post # 5
I’ve heard it’s frowned upon. I am having a few girls at my shower who aren’t invited to the wedding, but my friends are calling it a women only engagement party and the invitation says no gifts, so I don’t feel too bad about it. It’s more just a chance to celebrate. We’re having food and playing games, but that’s it.
Post # 6
i wouldn’t, but i guess it depends on several factors in this case:
-can the host afford to cater to the additional people? 10-12 extra is quite a lot
-if you explain to Future Mother-In-Law your hesitation, and she still wants these people invited, since you don’t know them, the etiquette faux pas is most certainly on her
Post # 7
No! If they are invited to the shower they must be invited to the Wedding… How would you feel?
Post # 8
Yes it is improper and any etiquette book will tell you that. People who are invited to the shower only will be offended unless it is a work shower or hosted by ladies at your church who don’t expect to be invited but want to share in your happiness anyway.
Post # 9
I don’t think they should be invited to the shower. If your Future Mother-In-Law wants to introduce you to her friends who aren’t invited to the wedding, maybe you can have lunch with them one day that way gifts aren’t expected.
Post # 10
I think that this is a unique situation. The rules about only inviting wedding guests to wedding showers were written at a time that it wasn’t expected that the bride might be living at such a far distance from her hometown… (I think that since the shower is for the Texas friends and family that they will probably be in the know about the ceremony. (Your Future Mother-In-Law may be using this shower to introduce you to a group of relatives or close friends who you will come to know as being important to her.) I think you might want to talk to her about the guest list. The other option is to talk to you Future Mother-In-Law about hosting an open house or Texas celebration in your honor for all the people who will be missing out on the NC ceremony, but are important to your new Texas family!
Post # 11
I don’t think it’s all that unique…and I personally think it would be very rude. Since we’re doing a small wedding, I didn’t have a shower at all. It made me uncomfortable to invite people to give me gifts when I am not even inviting them to the wedding (shutter).
The only way it would work is if your Future Mother-In-Law knows that they won’t be invited to the wedding, lets those friends know and stresses that SHE wants them invited to the shower and that they need not bring a gift.
I, too, think that an open house after the wedding would be an appropriate way to include these friends and others in TX. They can brings gifts to that 🙂
Post # 12
I feel its completely improper, however, we (well not me, but the people who threw me showers) did it. My fiance’s whole family lives in the area we are getting married in, (I’m talking 7th, 8th, 9th cousins) and Future Mother-In-Law wanted to invite everyone (even though FH hardly sees or knows these people) and there were people on our list that we “had” to invite because they were so and so’s cousin, sister-in-law, 3rd grade best friend, etc. Well our venue only holds 200 people and my immediate family alone (aunts, uncles, first cousins, grandparents and parents) accounted for 60 people on my list, so I had to make (pull teeth) to get them to cut their list down so FH and I could invite our friends. So because of this, there ended up being people invited to our shower that aren’t invited to the wedding (I was completely uncomfortable with this).
We had one shower thrown by older distant cousins that FH didn’t even know and they were the only two people at that shower who were invited to the wedding and honestly, the only reason they were invited is because they were throwing the shower. Now after going to the shower and meeting all of them and getting to know them, I feel horrible and wish we had invited them to the wedding (somewhat because in the 2 hours we were at the shower, they talked to me more and made me feel more welcome than the other side of the family has ever in the 4 years FH and I have been together, haha)
The other shower thrown by his family caused Future Mother-In-Law to add more people to the list because one of the hostesses brother and sister-in-law weren’t invited to the wedding but she wanted to invite them to the shower. FH doesn’t even know her brother (in fact, he didn’t even know his name) so of course they weren’t originally invited to the wedding. Even after the stress of me having to add 4 more people to the guest list, they didn’t even show to the shower or bother to send back a reply card for the wedding.
Sorry for the long tangent. Long story short, I feel its wrong, but it happens and I think in your case since you’re getting married out of state you can make an exception. My best friend got married in blowing rock and only invited 40 people to her wedding so there were showers thrown for her back home by and with people who weren’t invited, but the guests knew the bride could only invite a limited amount of people and it was out of town for them anyways so they weren’t offended. I think as long as who ever is responsible for putting them on the guest list knows they aren’t invited, then the improperness is on them, not you.