(Closed) Is it wrong to not want a shower?

posted 4 years ago in Parties
Post # 2
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I don’t want a shower either. I already have enough on my plate and thinking about a bridal shower will stress me out even more. I told my BM’s that I don’t want a shower and I don’t think they’ll throw me a surprise shower or anything  since I hate surprises.

I’m also not registering anywhere. However, that’s a common thing for a lot of Asian cultures. 

Post # 3
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

I totally hear you.  I think the whole tradition is kind of out of date now that most people live on their own or with their SO for years before marrying.  Could you have a celebratory brunch or a lingerie shower instead?  Also, you can call the people you are worried about flying in and let them know you wanted to send them an invitation but totally understand if they can’t make it.

Post # 4
152 posts
Blushing bee

I hear ya… my FI’s family will be like “what? no shower, how rude!  We wanna shower you with gifts” and I’m like NO!!!  People have disagreed with me before but IF they insist on having a shower, I’m not registering or asking people from far away to come to something I’m attending out of obligation because I’m the bride.  I’ll tell the hosts to tell people that we need gift cards and/or money for something large (DYSON VACUUM) but nothing more.  Either this or no shower haha I think you should do the same.  If people are like ” you can’t tell people what to get you” then tell them no shower then… it is the brides choice.

Post # 6
152 posts
Blushing bee

pumilionis:  I feel the same way… I’m trying to tell people to save their money but they’re like “no, what do you need?” so I tell them a Dyson Vacuum and the look of death is given in return… They asked so I told them but now people are telling me that I’m being unreasonable by wanting gift cards if they insist on getting us something as a shower gift… I’m apparently not allowed to tell people what I want / need… HELLO? That is what a registry is!  Plus, sitting in front of a bunch of ladies opening up gifts and pretending to be happy isn’t my idea of a good time, I’d rather be visiting with everyone at a nice tea while everyone put their cards into a presentation box that me and my Fiance will open later.  Apparently I’m asking too much for something I didn’t want in the first place!

Post # 7
152 posts
Blushing bee

pumilionis:  Plus, to make it fun, I’m having a crazy theme that I’ve never seen done before haha make people be like “is this a party or shower?”

Post # 8
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

pumilionis:  Mine is this weekend and I really didn’t want one at first either.  Mostly because I’d feel awkward opening gifts I didn’t really need in front of everyone, and I had been to so many other showers that I didn’t want to force anyone else to partake in cliche games either.  I eventually caved after my Maid/Matron of Honor and bridesmaid insisted on throwing one, but I started to look forward to it after seeing how excited they are and all the effort they’ve put into it.  

Then I found out my Future Mother-In-Law, who lives several states away, will be flying in for the weekend just to attend my shower!  I was so surprised and touched that she would do that, but she explained that even though a shower is meant to “shower” a bride with gifts, it’s really about taking a break from wedding planning to enjoy the gathering of all the important women in your life who are genuinely happy for your upcoming marriage, and she wanted to be there for me.  After hearing her put it in those words, I’m looking at it in a different light and am really excited about it now!

That being said, I totally understand how you feel so I don’t think your being unreasonable. Showers aren’t necessary to have, but if your mom and the women in FI’s family really insist on throwing one, I’d say just let them.  Out of town guests won’t be forced to come, so if they can’t make they’ll simply just send their regrets.  It’ll only be for a few hours anyway and you don’t have to register for housewares either.  For example, you could set up a moving registry for gift cards to Home Depot or Amazon for when you move, or you can suggest the host inform your guests to donate a recipe to make a cookbook to bring along with you in lieu of traditional gifts.

Either way, don’t stress out over this and everything will be fine. 🙂

Post # 9
10394 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

The traditional etiquette answer is that it’s rude to register, because that is like asking for gifts, not the other way around.  

Of course it’s not wrong not to have a shower.  But since you are asking, it’s considered a faux pas for a family member, especially a mother or sister, to throw the shower since that is also seen as asking for presents. 

If they throw one anyway, for example, as a surprise, just be grateful and gracious. 

It is always rude to ask for money or gift cards. If people were to ask someone close to you what you might need or where you are registered,  they can always say that you are likely going to be moving or  you are saving for X. 

Post # 10
5189 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

pumilionis:  You’re not being unreasonable. It’s annoying to accumulate stuff you don’t need. That being said, if it’ll shut them up let them throw you the party. Then store all the gifts at their houses. 

Post # 11
8005 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I have no desire for a bridal shower, but I think it’s nice that your mom and his family want to celebrate. Maybe you can just request no gifts but still be able to have the camaraderie and respect the gesture. Enjoy FI’s best year of his medical school life! It’s an exciting time on so many levels. 

Post # 12
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 1975

pumilionis:  I’m in the same boat. I absolutely do not want a Brial Shower. Nor do we need one. There is absolutely nothing we need to register for, that people need to buy us. It would be extra stuff just sitting around collecting dust.

Apparently my family doesn’t see it that way, and insists on a Bridal Shower. They asked me to register somewhere, because people would like to buy us a gift. I suggested a honeymoon site. Apparently that’s considered rude. I don’t get how it’s rude, we’re asking for something/some help towards something we would actually like and enjoy. Registering and expecting people to get gifts that we put on paper, and then exchange/return those items, is rude. 

I don’t know how adamant you are about not having one, but I had to put my foot down and have a very serious discussion with our families about not having a Bridal Shower. They finally relented and agreed. I think that tradition is starting to fade out for many. Previous generations seems to be fixated on the way they did weddings. There’s no right or wrong way, but it would be nice to receive some support for brides who choose not to have a Bridal Shower.

Post # 13
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I told my Maid/Matron of Honor that I explicitly did not want a shower because…

1. Most of my friends are dudes – I’m an engineer so all my work buddies, college buddies, and most of my sports buddies are dudes. Even most of my relatives are dudes. It would be sad to have a shower with five people attending.

2. The female friends I do have all live at least aan hour away and I wouldn’t want them to travel for a wedding, bachlorette party(which I am having) AND a shower on top of that. Its too much of an imposition.

3. Fiance and I have lived together and have had seperate residences so we don’t need the typical starting a household together stuff.

4. I hate being the center of attention…I would elope if it wouldn’t deeply hurt our families.

Post # 14
2504 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I didn’t have one for the same reasons! It wasn’t necessary for me anyway so I don’t feel like I missed out on anything. I know what you mean about not wanting or needing anymore stuff…we’re still building our house and it’s hard to find places to put things, and people (like our mothers, lol) just constantly want to buy us STUFF.

Anyway, I don’t have advice, since nobody was trying to force me to have a shower…so good luck!

Post # 15
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

pumilionis:  you aren’t being unreasonable. Most people don’t understand residency but the last thing you need is more stress. We just moved in June for residency and our wedding is next May. I wont register because we already sold a lot of things when  we moved and combined households. Try talking to your mom more and just say that you will already have to sell a lot of belongings before moving and the last thing you want is to have to sell more or offend someone by not being vale to keep their gift. But seriously stick with it because your life will be hell to try to plan a wedding and plan a move and please everyone. 

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