Post # 1
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
Bear with me while I vent. My mom and the women in my fiance’s family insist on throwing me a huge shower before our May wedding, but I reaaaaallly don’t want one. Some background, I’m about to turn 29, fiance is 27, we have separate residences and between the two of us, we have pretty much all the household items we could ever need or want. Also, my fiance is a 4th year medical student, and there is a very high probability we will need to move to a different state come late May/June for his residency. I am viewing acquiring more “stuff” that we potentially will need to move cross country as more of a burden–I was hoping to downsize, not upgrade. My family (including my mom and sister) and friends (save 2) all live out of state, and I don’t want to ask them to buy a plane ticket for both the shower and the wedding (and I don’t think any of those friends would be able to afford to come to both anyway, so it’d mostly be various aunts and cousins of my fiance that live in town). I really was hoping not to register anywhere…if people wanted to get us gifts, it could be money or gift cards, which would make more sense given our possible relocation. I’ve told my mom so many times I don’t want a shower but she is not taking no for an answer. It’s really stressing me out; everyone is making a huge deal about the shower, which I just view as a hassle.
Did you have a shower? Do you think they’re necessary? Is it a faux pas to not register anywhere? Am I being unreasonable?
Post # 2
Member
1122 posts
Bumble bee
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I don’t want a shower either. I already have enough on my plate and thinking about a bridal shower will stress me out even more. I told my BM’s that I don’t want a shower and I don’t think they’ll throw me a surprise shower or anything since I hate surprises.
I’m also not registering anywhere. However, that’s a common thing for a lot of Asian cultures.
Post # 3
Member
1782 posts
Buzzing bee
I totally hear you. I think the whole tradition is kind of out of date now that most people live on their own or with their SO for years before marrying. Could you have a celebratory brunch or a lingerie shower instead? Also, you can call the people you are worried about flying in and let them know you wanted to send them an invitation but totally understand if they can’t make it.
Post # 4
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
I hear ya… my FI’s family will be like “what? no shower, how rude! We wanna shower you with gifts” and I’m like NO!!! People have disagreed with me before but IF they insist on having a shower, I’m not registering or asking people from far away to come to something I’m attending out of obligation because I’m the bride. I’ll tell the hosts to tell people that we need gift cards and/or money for something large (DYSON VACUUM) but nothing more. Either this or no shower haha I think you should do the same. If people are like ” you can’t tell people what to get you” then tell them no shower then… it is the brides choice.
Post # 5
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
dojx: I wish that was our culture; my friend is Vietnamese and put “red envelope” on her invitations, which google told me meant to just give money. She and her now husband already had a house together too, so they definitely didn’t need stuff.
jessica.j.baron: Hahaha yes my mom tells me I’m being rude/bratty. But is it actually bratty NOT wanting people to get you more presents and expend more time/money on me?? I’m not concerned that my friends will try to make it–I know they won’t and that’s ok–that just means it will be even less of a fun event because it will mostly be family.
Scarlett11: My mom also suggested lingerie instead, which I vetoed for a couple of reasons 1) I’m extremely picky about my undergarments 2) the shower will pretty much exlusively be relatives (grandma, aunts, my mom, his mom, sisters), and I can’t think of anything more uncomfortable than opening up lingerie in front of them, lol.
Post # 6
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
pumilionis: I feel the same way… I’m trying to tell people to save their money but they’re like “no, what do you need?” so I tell them a Dyson Vacuum and the look of death is given in return… They asked so I told them but now people are telling me that I’m being unreasonable by wanting gift cards if they insist on getting us something as a shower gift… I’m apparently not allowed to tell people what I want / need… HELLO? That is what a registry is! Plus, sitting in front of a bunch of ladies opening up gifts and pretending to be happy isn’t my idea of a good time, I’d rather be visiting with everyone at a nice tea while everyone put their cards into a presentation box that me and my Fiance will open later. Apparently I’m asking too much for something I didn’t want in the first place!
Post # 7
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
pumilionis: Plus, to make it fun, I’m having a crazy theme that I’ve never seen done before haha make people be like “is this a party or shower?”
Post # 8
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
pumilionis: Mine is this weekend and I really didn’t want one at first either. Mostly because I’d feel awkward opening gifts I didn’t really need in front of everyone, and I had been to so many other showers that I didn’t want to force anyone else to partake in cliche games either. I eventually caved after my Maid/Matron of Honor and bridesmaid insisted on throwing one, but I started to look forward to it after seeing how excited they are and all the effort they’ve put into it.
Then I found out my Future Mother-In-Law, who lives several states away, will be flying in for the weekend just to attend my shower! I was so surprised and touched that she would do that, but she explained that even though a shower is meant to “shower” a bride with gifts, it’s really about taking a break from wedding planning to enjoy the gathering of all the important women in your life who are genuinely happy for your upcoming marriage, and she wanted to be there for me. After hearing her put it in those words, I’m looking at it in a different light and am really excited about it now!
That being said, I totally understand how you feel so I don’t think your being unreasonable. Showers aren’t necessary to have, but if your mom and the women in FI’s family really insist on throwing one, I’d say just let them. Out of town guests won’t be forced to come, so if they can’t make they’ll simply just send their regrets. It’ll only be for a few hours anyway and you don’t have to register for housewares either. For example, you could set up a moving registry for gift cards to Home Depot or Amazon for when you move, or you can suggest the host inform your guests to donate a recipe to make a cookbook to bring along with you in lieu of traditional gifts.
Either way, don’t stress out over this and everything will be fine. 🙂
Post # 9
Member
9700 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
The traditional etiquette answer is that it’s rude to register, because that is like asking for gifts, not the other way around.
Of course it’s not wrong not to have a shower. But since you are asking, it’s considered a faux pas for a family member, especially a mother or sister, to throw the shower since that is also seen as asking for presents.
If they throw one anyway, for example, as a surprise, just be grateful and gracious.
It is always rude to ask for money or gift cards. If people were to ask someone close to you what you might need or where you are registered, they can always say that you are likely going to be moving or you are saving for X.
Post # 10
Member
5191 posts
Bee Keeper
pumilionis: You’re not being unreasonable. It’s annoying to accumulate stuff you don’t need. That being said, if it’ll shut them up let them throw you the party. Then store all the gifts at their houses.
Post # 11
Member
8056 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
I have no desire for a bridal shower, but I think it’s nice that your mom and his family want to celebrate. Maybe you can just request no gifts but still be able to have the camaraderie and respect the gesture. Enjoy FI’s best year of his medical school life! It’s an exciting time on so many levels.
Post # 12
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
pumilionis: I’m in the same boat. I absolutely do not want a Brial Shower. Nor do we need one. There is absolutely nothing we need to register for, that people need to buy us. It would be extra stuff just sitting around collecting dust.
Apparently my family doesn’t see it that way, and insists on a Bridal Shower. They asked me to register somewhere, because people would like to buy us a gift. I suggested a honeymoon site. Apparently that’s considered rude. I don’t get how it’s rude, we’re asking for something/some help towards something we would actually like and enjoy. Registering and expecting people to get gifts that we put on paper, and then exchange/return those items, is rude.
I don’t know how adamant you are about not having one, but I had to put my foot down and have a very serious discussion with our families about not having a Bridal Shower. They finally relented and agreed. I think that tradition is starting to fade out for many. Previous generations seems to be fixated on the way they did weddings. There’s no right or wrong way, but it would be nice to receive some support for brides who choose not to have a Bridal Shower.
Post # 13
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
I told my Maid/Matron of Honor that I explicitly did not want a shower because…
1. Most of my friends are dudes – I’m an engineer so all my work buddies, college buddies, and most of my sports buddies are dudes. Even most of my relatives are dudes. It would be sad to have a shower with five people attending.
2. The female friends I do have all live at least aan hour away and I wouldn’t want them to travel for a wedding, bachlorette party(which I am having) AND a shower on top of that. Its too much of an imposition.
3. Fiance and I have lived together and have had seperate residences so we don’t need the typical starting a household together stuff.
4. I hate being the center of attention…I would elope if it wouldn’t deeply hurt our families.
Post # 14
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
I didn’t have one for the same reasons! It wasn’t necessary for me anyway so I don’t feel like I missed out on anything. I know what you mean about not wanting or needing anymore stuff…we’re still building our house and it’s hard to find places to put things, and people (like our mothers, lol) just constantly want to buy us STUFF.
Anyway, I don’t have advice, since nobody was trying to force me to have a shower…so good luck!
Post # 15
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
pumilionis: you aren’t being unreasonable. Most people don’t understand residency but the last thing you need is more stress. We just moved in June for residency and our wedding is next May. I wont register because we already sold a lot of things when we moved and combined households. Try talking to your mom more and just say that you will already have to sell a lot of belongings before moving and the last thing you want is to have to sell more or offend someone by not being vale to keep their gift. But seriously stick with it because your life will be hell to try to plan a wedding and plan a move and please everyone.
