(Closed) Is it Wrong to Punch Him in the Face for This?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Wow. Yeah, it’s inappropriate for him to still be lingering on a fight two and a half years ago… and I am still pretty sure it’s displaced anger about losing his brother. If he’s never had a real relationship, he probably sees his family has the only thing he’s got. That doesn’t make it right that he is treating you that way, and it’s only hurting his brother.

I think you should definitely take a step back from the situation. If you both ignore him for a few weeks or just put distance between him and you, he may start to see that he was the one being the jerk. What do the Future In-Laws think of this?

Also, I’m glad to hear that your Fiance supported you. HUGS!!! I know it’s hard to hear that, because FI’s MOM said it about me two years ago, but sometimes you have to trust that you wouldn’t have worked out for at least two and a half years if something wasn’t really, truly right–and he wouldn’t have asked you if you two weren’t getting along great now, anyways.

Good luck and best wishes to you, rabbit!!!

Post # 4
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Aw that is just horrible! That is really ignorant of his brother. Luckily your Fiance stood up for you! That says a whole lot right there. Don’t start worrying that you aren’t good enough, obviously your Fiance seems to think you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread! His brother sounds like he’s jealous and trying to come up with reasons to dislike you. You mentioned that they are close and that he hasn’t been in a real relationship. Maybe since the time is getting closer he’s feeling threatened? That is not an excuse, and that is definitely not a reason to be absolutely hurtful like that to you. Don’t have doubts about yourself. Perhaps your Fiance can speak with him and work something out so you can visit your future inlaws without it being so hostile and uncomfortable for you. You will get through this and your bond with your Fiance will be so much stronger.

Good Luck, you do not deserve that!

Post # 5
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m so sorry about this!  It is ridiculous that he is so mad at you over one fight that happened so long ago.  And the fact that you two can’t even be in the same room without fighting?  That is insane.  Honestly, I don’t know why he harbored it for that long without saying anything and why he thinks that one fight is make or break for your relationship.  It’s not like you two get in fights all the time or anything.  I am so glad that your Fiance supports you because the way his brother is acting is completely stupid!  I hope that you two can figure something out and can get him to realize that he is full of it.

Post # 6
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee

I think you need to talk through this with your Fiance. If Future Brother-In-Law already doesn’t like you, you won’t be able to figure it out with him. It seems like Fiance understands that his brother’s behavior is inappropriate, so talk to him about what you can do to avoid conflict. I don’t think you should pressure him to kick his brother out of the wedding party, but focus more on changing his attitude. If they are close, I think your Fiance should be able to help your brother see the truth about you two.

Post # 7
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Please bear in mind when reading the comment that follows that I do not have any knowledge of the state of your relationship, or whether or not anything happened during your fight that should have caused concerns, and I hope that my comment is not construed in any way as a criticism of you or your relationship.

There are a couple of separate issues here.  Most importantly, what are the root causes of your concerns about how you treat your Fiance.  Did you ever have these feelings before your fight with your FBIL?  When you are feeling less stressed, you should analyze your prior experiences with your Fiance.  Were there any instances in which you feel in hindsight that your behavior towards your Fiance was inappropriate?  If so, what were the triggers for those incidents, and have they been resolved?  It is entirely possible that these feelings are only a reaction to your FBIL’s actions, but they are worth exploring privately since research has demonstrated that the way that couples treat each other during fights is reflective of their problem solving skills, and likelihood of divorce.

Your FBIL’s behavior is completely inappropriate.  If he genuinely has concerns about his brother’s relationship, then he needs to express them privately and quietly to his brother.  And then if his brother doesn’t believe him, he needs to back off and quietly support the marriage because if it falls apart his brother will need support.

I have absolutely no idea what happened during your fight 2.5 years ago, and whether or not it should have genuinely raised concerns for your Brother-In-Law.  If one (or both) of you were physically abusive or derogatory to the other, then  I can understand the BIL’s concerns even 2.5 years later.  But he never should have dealt with his concerns in this fashion, and I am sorry that he treated you like this. 

 

Post # 9
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I really admire the fact that you have overcome so many challenges to have a successful relationship.  I understand your concerns about the strain that autism may place on a relationship, but your successfully managing autism also demonstrates how strong your character is, and how hard you are willing to work to overcome obstacles.  These are both really important factors in creating a successful marriage.  If it ever reaches the point in which you or your Fiance feel the symptoms of autism are causing strain on your marriage, I think that counseling could be quite beneficial.  But for now I wish you all the best of luck in your marriage!  

Post # 10
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I completely agree that you’re right to be upset with your Future Brother-In-Law. How old is he? If he’s younger than you, it could be a maturity thing, and as he gets older (and especially once he has a girlfriend of his own) he’ll understand better. I think the best thing to do is to have a heart to heart with your fiance, and have your fiance talk with his brother. It is completely inappropriate for your fiance to stand by while your Future Brother-In-Law treats you poorly. It’s great that he stood up for you, so hopefully he can have a chat with his brother.

As for asking your fiance to kick his brother out of the wedding, I would tread really carefully here. I think your fiance should have a talk with his brother, and if his brother can’t be nice to you, then he has grounds to remove him from the wedding. But without a talk between your fiance and his brother, I think it would create more tension to kick him out now. Take your time with that.

Good luck with everything. I think it’s very admirable that you’re working through this, and it sounds like your fiance is on your side, which is great.

Post # 11
Member
3539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree about everything posted above.

My only concern is about the action to kick him out of the bridal party… that is.. well I dont know a sticky situation. best wishes, im in a similar boat myself and have no idea how to approach the situation.

Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

You are marrying him not his brother, so who cares what he thinks! Thats why he has never been in a real relationship, he doesnt know what it takes to BUILD a relationship, you go through thick and thin together.  Fights and disagreements only make the bond stronger, you learn and grow from one another, dont let any of this ruin what you two have

Post # 13
Member
4480 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch

It will only make things worse if you kick him out of the wedding party. Your Fiance needs to resolve this with his brother, though!

Post # 14
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Oh my gosh! That is ridiculous. I think your Fiance should have a heart to heart convo with your Future Brother-In-Law & tell him that you’re a wonderful woman who he wants to marry, and if you mistreated him, he wouldn’t be marrying you!

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this – sounds like he’s just got jealousy issues of some sort because maybe you’re taking away a piece of his brother or something…

Hope everything works out for the best!

Post # 15
Member
202 posts
Helper bee

:hugs: I can relate.  My Fiance has a younger brother (he is one of five boys so I guess one had to be the rotten apple) who is a substance abuser and generally a bad, hurtfull, hatefull person.  When I first met him I had an unnatural fear of him and even started having nightmares that he attacked me.  Even though his behavior did not suggest that he would ever hurt me something inside me read into his sarcastic and mean comments.  Even though I felt uncomfortable I did not think it was my place to tell my fiance that I did not want to be aound his brother.

Then his brother was invited to our engagement party and things went down hill.  He threatened one of my male cousins, tried to fight a bridesmaid’s boyfriend, and even told my mom nasty things (like “i hate your daughter”).  The only thing is he would always do this in a one-on-one situation where no one could witness it. I finally had enough of it by the end of the day and said something to him and he blew off the handle telling me that he hated me and that I said I wanted to “control my fiance like a dog” (which I obviously never said). My father had to grab him  and pull him out of our house.  That is when everyone realized that he wasn’t only being mean to them but a lot of other guests, just not when his family or friends were around.

From that moment my fiance and I have basically uninvited him to the wedding (with my FIL’s approval) and will not have anything to do with him.  I obviously should have listened to my instincts much earlier and I would have saved many of my close friends (and mother!) from being mistreated by him.

My advice is to go with your gut girl. If the thought of seeing him behind your fiance during your wedding is going to make you uncomfortable (scared, sad, stressed, frustrated) it needs to be delt with now. Have a heart to heart with you fiance and find a good solution. If his anger issues surpass being mean to just you (like they did in my case) it may be something that you should talk to the future in-laws about as they might have good advice on how to deal with all of this.

Either way, I understand where you are coming from and I really hope everything works out for the best. Good luck!

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