(Closed) Is it your fault when a guy won't commit/call you his girlfriend?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Um…this guy sounds like garbage. No, it’s not your “fault”. That is ridiculous.

Post # 3
Member
1496 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t know why your friends took it upon themselves to confront him but whatever. I don’t know why you would be blaming yourself when he very clearly is the problem. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship and he was upfront about that from the very beginning so I don’t think it’s a shocker that he didn’t change his mind…

Post # 4
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I’m sorry that happened, that hurts 🙁

It’s not your fault he acted like a jerk. But it is your fault that you didn’t believe his intentions up front when he told them to you. You shouldn’t have spent time investing in someone who told you they weren’t ready for a relationship, if a relationship was what you wanted.

Post # 5
Member
1047 posts
Bumble bee

If I were you I’d stop beating yourself up. That guy doesn’t deserve you. 

Post # 6
Member
631 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
beach_lover89:  First of all, this’ll NEVER be your fault.  He seems like a jerk leading you on when all your friends did was stand up for you and ensure that you both are on the same page (you have incredible, caring friends BTW).  Secondly, if there’s a connection, it doesn’t matter HOW damaged a person is, they’ll at least give a relationship a try because they FEEL something.  So clearly, this guy did not have those feelings initially and only acted this way because perhaps, after leaving a long relationship, he liked feeling liked again… but not enough to “lock it down” if you know what I mean.  You deserve way, way better… and snapping at you to your face sounds sort of abusive – this dude needs to deal with his s%*t.

Post # 7
Member
4810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
beach_lover89:   What he did was rude and cruel.  However, and I say this gently, he *did* tell you he wasn’t stable – and was he ever right.  To quote the lovely Maya Angelou, – when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.  

Lesson learned – next time, invest your heart in someone who has the same relationship goals as you do.  You deserve the best – don’t ever settle!!

Post # 8
Member
558 posts
Busy bee

girl, stop.

You need some confidence! One douche bag does not mean they’re all douche bags. Clearly you were a great gal that he wanted to be exclusive with but with no titles even after his five year relationship. My bet is that your friends embarassed him and he reacted.

You are def datable. On to the next, hunny!

Post # 9
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

It is definitely not your fault. You went along with the “casual dating” idea in an attempt to be kind and understanding as he just got out of that long term relationship. The fact that he insisted on “casual dating” AND “being exclusive” shows how confused he must be. His expectations were unfair to you and though I don’t think your friends should have confronted him I certainly understand why they were angry.

I think it is best for you to move on. He showed his true colors and you don’t need that. If you guys regain friendly communication in the future that is a plus. If not, his loss. You are CERTAINLY NOT “undateable”; to the contrary- HE is. 

Post # 10
Member
9388 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
beach_lover89:  I’d never spend time with a guy who would say those things to me.  Casual or not, you are NOT below him… and spending time with someone who thinks you are is a study in toxicity.

As for what it says about you.  Nothing.  It says nothing about you.  It’s as much your fault that he doesn’t want a serious relationship with you as it is the fault of a puzzle piece that the one you tried to match it up with didn’t fit.  

If you try to continue dating this guy, that WILL say something about you, however.  It’ll say that you have low self esteem, that you think it’s ok to spend time with someone who looks down on you.  Not understanding that you are worthy of respect IS a problem, and will make it a lot harder for you to find a good relationship.  It’s hard to respect people who don’t respect themselves.  Break up with him, and hold your head up high knowing that you have a standard, and the moment he barged in on you screaming about how you weren’t worthy of him he fell below that standard.

Post # 11
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

What a friggin dickhead!!!  He’s got major issues so he did you a favor. 

Post # 12
Member
4499 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It’s never anyone’s fault — he just doesn’t want a relationship. There’s nothing you can or can’t do to change that. 

Here’s the thing, from your post: he said that “he just got out of 5-yr relationship, wasn’t emotionally stable, blah blah and wasn’t looking for anything serious right now…” and yet he “kept acting like a boyfriend to me, and all of our mutual friends could see how crazy he was about me.”

When a guy says he doesn’t want a relationship, he MEANS it! 99% of the time. I’ve learned this the hard way. It doesn’t matter how he acts, how crazy he seems about you, whatever — he can be crazily lusting after you, not wanting to share you (the “exclusivity” thing you mentioned), but that doesn’t change the fact that he does not want a relationship with you. Period. He said this at the outset. 

It’s nothing you did or did not do. It’s just where he is right now.

Post # 13
Member
477 posts
Helper bee

What a jerk!  Move on and stay away from him.

Post # 14
Member
895 posts
Busy bee

Dear heart, he was very cruel to you. You definitely deserve better. I personally think he just wanted a casual sex buddy i.e. no relationship. 

In his defense he did warn you. The problem with most casual relationships is that someone usually the woman wants it to be more.

He was a douche for the comments he made and consider yourself lucky that you dodged that bullet.

Post # 15
Member
4499 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

p.s. He sounds like a jerk, obviously! I didn’t mean to imply that he’s not. 🙂 Sorry you are going through this; move on and know you will get much better.

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