Is keeping my ex-husband’s last name disrespectful to my fiance?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Is it okay to keep your ex's name, even after remarrying someone else?
    Yes : (136 votes)
    43 %
    No : (162 votes)
    52 %
    Other : (16 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    1920 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    I think its weird. I mean if the Fiance is okay I don’t want to say its disrespectful because its between them. But, if you were willing to change your name once you should be willing to change it again. I just think it would mean a lot of explaining for the rest of your life. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    5786 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2011

    Voted wrong, I answered the post rather than the poll question.

    I guess I don’t understand why she wants to retain the name. All I get from the question is that she was too lazy to change it back after the divorce. If it was a professional thing then I get it but other than that why would you want to retain the name of a man you divorced?

    Post # 6
    Member
    3788 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    Wow, that is a difficult situation. On one hand, she chose to keep the name after the divorce and in doing so, she basically made it her own. It’s sort of like keeping a maiden name at this point. But on the other hand, I know how disappointed and upset my own Darling Husband was when I told him I was keeping my maiden name (hyphenating), and I can’t even imagine what a slap in the face it would feel like to him if the name I were keeping were given to me by an ex. I sort of feel like she has the right to whatever name she wants, and at this point in her life, she probably feels like that last name is her own. And keeping or taking the new last name really does not mean anything about her relationship, but I could definitely understand feeling hurt by this. To be honest, she says she kept the first married name out of convenience as much as it feeling like her name at that point; I’d probably change it now for “convenience” — to not hurt her new husband and to not deal with explaining it for the rest of her life. I am here contrasting “convenience” however that is defined with the idea of sticking to a principle; i.e., taking a stand/keeping your name because of some deeply held belief.

    ETA: the article gave the impression that this is causing a problem, but agree with PP that if the new husband is OK with it, then I guess why not?

    Post # 7
    Member
    1046 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    I can only see keeping a name after a divorce if you have kids with the person- it just makes everything easier! Other than that it seems weird to keep the last name after a divorce- re-marriage or not.  I wouldn’t think I’d want to be reminded of my ex everytime someone said my name lol.

    Post # 8
    Member
    9824 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I don’t see why people care about stuff like this. It’s really no different than keeping your maiden (single) name. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    1474 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011 - Bent Creek Winery (Livermore, California); Reception: Family Residence (San Ramon, California)

    I actually understand where she’s coming from. To her, the last name no longer equals the ex husband in her mind. It’s her name now, and it’s a big part of who she is and her identity. And ultimately, she should only do what’s comfortable for her. I personally probably wouldn’t do this in her situation, but I also don’t think she should change her name just to appease those friends and relatives around her who don’t understand her decision. Whether or not to change one’s name upon marriage is a very personal decision that, in the end, has the greatest implications for the person going through the change. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    5110 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 2011

    If I were a guy I would be more comfortable with a woman staying with her maden name than keeping and ex husbands name, and choosing not to take mine.. Like why would she want to take her exes, and not take her FI’s even though it may be a part of who she is now, what about who she is with her new family etc.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1474 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011 - Bent Creek Winery (Livermore, California); Reception: Family Residence (San Ramon, California)

    @KatyElle: Like times a million! I mean, it’s her name. Who cares what she does with it? It has basically no affect on anyone around her, so why get up-in-arms about someone else’s personal decision?

    Post # 12
    Member
    9824 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I chose not to take my husband’s name because I didn’t like the initials. Doesn’t mean I don’t respect or love him. And also, if my ex husband’s last name was something like “Anderson” and my current FI’s last name was “Poopenmeister” I’d keep ex’s name! Maybe I like the way it sounds better. Maybe it’s on everything I own (checks, credit cards, work related stuff, business cards, doctor’s files, etc). Maybe I don’t feel like uprooting yet another thing in my life after a crazy divorce. You’d think marrying someone would show enough of a commitment to them!

    Post # 13
    Member
    2161 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I wouldn’t do it.  I hate that my son even has my ex’s (deadbeat) last name. 

    I think it would be more proper to go back to a maiden name than to keep another man’s family name.

    Post # 14
    Member
    2392 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    My grandmother did this, and my grandmother was pretty much the most awesome, badass woman who ever lived so it’s automatically OK in my book.

    In my grandmother’s case, she had been married for close to 30 years, had a very successful career, and children with my grandfather’s last name, but I suspect she also kept it because she liked it.  While I can understand how it would be frustrating to have someone keep a last name from a previous relationship, I also think that after the frustration, pain, and hassle of changing your name only to get divorced, a woman’s reaction might be to never deal with that ever again.

    Frankly, and it seems like I’m in the minority on this, I think that a man’s opinion on what a woman does with her name counts for very little.  He can do whatever he wants with his own name, but as long as women are the ones having to go through the pressure and the hassle of a decision (and the inevitable judgment no matter what we do), their fiances and husbands should recognize that it’s not their decision.

    Post # 15
    Member
    1963 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    At first I thought that was a really wierd thing to do. But the more I think about it I can see a bit where she might be coming from. She did say that she married young, so I’m not sure it’s fair to say that if she was willing to change her name before she should do it again. People change over the years, and maybe that first bride isn’t really the same person as the one who is marrying her current Fiance. I personally will be taking my Fiance name because it is important to both of us to be a unified family with the same name, but if it’s not important to her and and her Fiance and she happens to like her name, then why not??

    Post # 16
    Member
    817 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I think in some cases, it’s weird.

    For example, my friend was only married for a year. She kept is last name. She’s now engaged and not sure whether to change her last name to her fiance’s. It just doesn’t make sense to me….she HATES her ex and has nothing to do with him anymore yet she wants to keep his name? 

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