- 2 weeks ago
I just thought I’d share my journey bc it possibly help others.
I met my first love in High School he was a year older than me . I’d never felt so loved as I did with him. It was almost the summer and we were both about to graduate. We planned to go to the same college in the fall. So we went to prom. We went as part of a larger group and when we got there it was a bit crowded bc it was definitely a small town with not a lot going on so everyone was there. I was having a great time but he wasn’t really into all of it because he hates crowds. He kinda just sat there at the table most of the night and when he went to take a call from his brother a mutual friend of ours came over and asked me to dance bc he knew it was my favorite song . Just friends dancing that’s it. After the song was over I tried finding my boyfriend right away but couldn’t. it took me close to an hour for us to finally see one another. He was acting strange and kind of distant but I wasn’t sure why. I absolutely loved him with all of me. He made feel special and cared about . One day I got a text from a number I didn’t recognize and the text said they knew without a doubt my boyfriend was cheating on me. It didn’t very long to figure out who the text came from . This girl was known to lie and cause drama but she had information that seemed to real. She told me she’d seen my boyfriend and this other girl hooking up at prom. I knew she was telling the truth and it absolutely killed me. I didn’t really want a lot of drama bc the pain was horrible. I’d never had a broken heart before that. He was my other half and I didn’t know who I was or could be without him. I ended it and had our school advisory change my home room to a different one so I wouldn’t really have to deal with it all. I was depressed and my mom and older sisters tried telling me I was really young and I’d be better off and that with time I’d be okay but it obviously didn’t feel that way at that moment . When you’re young they think that you know nothing and maybe I didn’t know everything but I certainly knew I’d miss him.
I ended up finishing senior year and deciding to go to a complete different school in the fall than originally planned. The entire summer passed and it was rough but I was glad I’d be leaving soon. I had planned a end of summer/going away/ birthday party with my best friends right before I left. I put on my favorite dress and was trying to have a good time hanging out on the porch with everyone . It was almost 11 and he showed up to my party uninvited. in front of everyone he apologized, admitted he had cheated and he’d been with that same girl the entire summer. he said it was a mistake and he just wanted to fix it , to undo it all and have me back . I didn’t know what to feel at that moment bc I’d definitely let myself think he’d eventually see he missed me and loved me and want me back . I told him most of that while crying and explained I thought it’d be better to go our separate ways even though I knew it’d haunt me missing him.
I went away to school and grew into myself. I had a new group of friends and eventually a new steady boyfriend . I loved his family and how welcoming everyone was . We did everything together. He was the exact opposite of my first boyfriend. We talked about the future but it always felt like it was very distant . It was close to Christmas and we had just hung out with all our friends the night before . One night we took the train into the city and everything felt terrific . Then I was taken completely by surprise bc he was down on one knee with a ring and everything just kinda went in slow motion . I could barely hear him over my own beating heart and racing thoughts . Part of what he said was he wanted forever with me and he’d asked my parents they said yes and it was his mom ring handed down my his dads mom and they wanted me to have it and his sisters couldn’t wait to have another sister. I’m not proud of myself and I could’ve handled it better but I definitely reacted like a deer in headlights. I told him no and he was just as surprised as I was to hear me say no. I couldn’t explain why I said no to him but I told him I didn’t know this was coming so soon and until he’d literally put me on the spot I didn’t know I would say no. I told him one day he’d find someone who’d love him the way he needed to be loved and I left him standing there with no answers .
I moved out to L.A. it was different than anywhere I’d lived before . It was fast and busy all the time. I actually was making progress and landed a few of advertising campaigns . It was hard to really be sure of who was a real friend and who were just people who’d absolutely use you and never look back. It was lonely even my career was going faster and better then I could’ve ever dreamed for it to be. My dad was getting older and I hadn’t been home for a few years so at Christmas I went back for the first time in ages to that small town I hated where nothing ever changed . In Tupelo everything’s the same as it ever was . I decided to text my first love and tell him I was in town and thinking about him and all of it . I honestly never completely let him go. He was always in the back of my mind. I told him I was in town and if he was cool with everything we could just hang out and drive around like when we were kids . I told him we both hurt each other but if he was okay with it that I’d really love to see him again and it could be like it use to be even if just for a few days. My dad died very suddenly so I never did get to see James again.
I needed change but I went back to L.A . Everything just felt so fake including me . The only real connection made was with my best friend Este but the her life quickly feel apart bc her own husband was cheating and she went missing . I became desperate and depressed.I didn’t believe in love anymore . I definitely found myself having transactional relationships with older guys who would buy me nice things and pay my way and I’d say I love them and they believed me but I didn’t . One day I was at an event and this guy walked in and right away I realized he was like me . Trading on his looks and charm to get ahead in life. He asked me to dance and I told him that dancing was a dangerous game. In that moment I knew I was done for and that I’d never loved anyone like I loved him and he truly understood me . We quit the get love quick schemes and made a life together . If you had told at the start of this all where I’d end up I would have laughed because every bait and switch was a work of art and I ended up exactly where I needed to be.
Long story short: I survived.