Post # 17
RE: Subject line question: that’s for the individual to decide, but I do feel that there is some ethical consideration that has to be made when choosing partners, they have to agree to your worldview or you could risk hurting them.
RE: First OP question:
Personally, I think the important fact here is that the sex is rarely incredible the first time, so I feel that the pre-game rush is over-rated. Of course, I had to experience that to understand it, but… now I know that the most exciting parts of those relationships was the new (non-sexual) experiences, the firting/lust and the *potental* of awesome sex. Now I can just do the adrenaline rush experiences with my friends and come home to good sex. 🙂 Sure there’s less firting in my life, but eh, there still is enough.
RE: 2nd OP question: Both partners need the same expectations before entering a permanent monogamous state such as marriage, so yes, if I married him he’s got to be on the same page.
Post # 18
@ChemistryBride: I choose monogamy, because I think the sex gets better the more you know your partner. You care more about making the other one feel good, versus I don’t think you get a chance to do that with casual sex.
I totally agree. Sex is usually somewhat awkward with a new partner, at least the first few times you do it. Practice makes perfect.
Post # 19
Life is too short to not be monogamous
If others think that open relationships are they way to go, I have no problem with that. DH and I are just happy being the two of us, and have no desire to change that.
Post # 20
My husband and I try to get a little exciting once and a while, we have friends who are married but engage in 3somes they say its great.We have always been curious so we’ve been thinking of doing the same. We do a lot of role playing and BDSM as it is right now.
Post # 21
@Helium: “Personally, I think the important fact here is that the sex is rarely incredible the first time, so I feel that the pre-game rush is over-rated. Of course, I had to experience that to understand it, but… now I know that the most exciting parts of those relationships was the new (non-sexual) experiences, the firting/lust and the *potental* of awesome sex. Now I can just do the adrenaline rush experiences with my friends and come home to good sex. 🙂 Sure there’s less firting in my life, but eh, there still is enough.”
I just want to say that, although I have not had more than one partner, I really appreciate the wisdom you shared in your post. I think you are correct that it is often the POTENTIAL of a new relationship or experience that provides much of the thrill and excitement, and that in this particular facet of life, as well as in many others, reality does not always — or even often — live up to the hype.
Post # 22
Part of the satisfaction of being in a relationship with my husband is knowing that he feels a certain way about only me. I love the fact that only we share certain things and that the majority of things we do are experiences we want to go through with only each other, because of the respect and love we have for one another. I just don’t think that could be said for us if either or both of us were intimate with a third party. For me, manogamy is what makes us what we are.
Post # 24
This is a loaded question for me.
An ex-bf of mine forced me into an open relationship, then when I decided that it really wasn’t for me and was ready to walk, he agreed to try monogamy. A year and a half of resentment, lies and emotional manipulation and abuse later, I swore I would never put myself in that position again. So I may be biased toward monogamy (for myself, at least).
I’ve had my share of “first time” experiences and while they were fun, at the back of my mind I always wondered, “Could this lead somewhere?”. Sure the sex might have been fun and the newness was exciting and all, but as much as I may have tried, I couldn’t surpress the emotional side from getting in the way.
Now, both my SO and myself are deeply committed, in love and super turned on by each other. The newness may be gone, but we keep things exciting and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Post # 25
I said other – I think life is too LONG to be monogamous!
ETA – obivously I believe in monogamy since I’m getting married, but I don’t think “life is too short for monogamy” makes sense. If I had to see it that way, I think it would be easier to commit myself to one person for less time than for more time.
Post # 26
Thanks for the interesting answers! This topic came about while I was thinking about a conversation I had with a somewhat older man who said that he’d never been faithful to the women in his life. The novelty of bedding someone new was too great for him to resist even if he dearly loved the woman to whom he was committed.
By The Way, my questions don’t represent my personal feelings about monogamy. I feel very much that my bond with my husband is so great and our sex life is so satisfying that I wouldn’t dream of doing anything else. I also believe that with great love come some great sacrifices and giving up other people is what we’ve pledged to do. Our ring exchange included the words, “With my body I thee worship,” and we meant it!
My husband had some ‘alternative experiences’ with a bi- FB he had before I met him. Yes, he was STD tested and showed me those results before we got cozy. I was often worried that he’d get bored with me (ahem, not that I’m the least bit boring in bed 😉 but he loves the life we’ve built and the intimacy we have. And he’s believable when he says it’s the best.
Post # 27
@AB Bride: “Life is too short to not be monogamous”
I totally agree! At least for me and DH, monogamy is by far the best option.
Plus, I personally need the emotional connection alongside sex. And sex gets so much better with time and as your relationship with your partner grows. Why constantly start over?
Post # 28
Humans by nature always crave more than sex. If that were the case, emotional affairs would not be an issue, and marriages would probably not exist.
It’s very rare for people to have mutliple one-night stands and feel okay, women especially. There’s always the nagging questions of insecurity: “Am I coming across as slutty?” “What did he think of my body?” “I kinda felt a connection…but I don’t want to talk to him about it because I don’t want to nag or come across as stupid.” When you are in a healthy sexual/emotional relationship with someone, a person does not need to ask these questions. They are not afraid.
Even men get bored with sleeping around as they mature. Why? Because monogamy provides security. With emotional security, there comes fertile ground for growing love, trust, forgiveness, etc etc. People want acceptance and reliability, and at their core, routine. They want to know the person they love will always love them, continuously.
When we have that emotional routine, we can develop depth and a satisfaction that only we and that other person can know because we are a secret to the rest of the world. It’s a secret that gets better and better because it’s a secret with so many facets. That’s the beauty of monogamy, and that’s also why it hurts terribly when it ends.
It’s like living in your own Garden of Eden.
So while various sexual exploits may be “exciting” initially, in the end it is unfulfilling in the scheme of human nature. We just weren’t built that way.
Post # 29
Your reply is very profound. I love what you said. Thank you!
Post # 30
Agree completely. Great post.
I get the excitement aspect of something “new” and fun, but like another poster said, it’s more about the potential and not about the reality. I’ve had one night stands before and many of them were god-awful. Fun, in general, but bad. And for me, the best part of meeting someone new is the initial flirting and chemistry. After awhile, more often than not, you find out they’re a douche or not compatible, or taken, etc
When you find that person that’s EVERYTHING to you, you can’t let that go. As much as you miss the excitement of the unknown, the reality is that most of the time, it really ain’t all that great.
Post # 31
@lorie: I think it of course varies from person to person and couple to couple.
I have no problem w. men or women who think life is too short to be monogamous, but please stick to your vows/promises/etc. to be monogamous if you entered into them.
Personally I really don’t like the newness of having sex w. someone for the first time. I’ve had sex w. 4 different people in my life… and that seems like a lot to me. I hope that my bf is the last person I have sex with. For me, love and sex go hand in hand. I once slept w. a guy who I wasn’t dating, and it felt so dirty and awkward (not in a good way). I’m not religious or anything, but I guess I feel like sex has a place – in a loving relationship. To go through the motions just doesn’t do it for me.
To answer your other question, I think it’s fully fair to expect that whoever you’re with will remain faithful to you. Of course, to get to that point, it needs to be agreed upon. If it’s left up in the air then yeah, fool is you. If you both knowingly enter into a commitment then absolutely it’s fair to expect they’ll be monogamous. That’s why I don’t understand why cheaters get married. Just save the hassle and stay single if you enjoy variety.