(Closed) Is living together more likely to delay a proposal?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
575 posts
Busy bee

I wouldn’t agree to marry someone before having lived with him first.

Post # 3
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
blue_cat77 :  +1. I’m glad I know I can live happily with my fiance. I wouldn’t marry someone I wasn’t sure I could live with 24/7. Dating is SO different than actually living and cohabiting with someone. 

Post # 4
Member
9275 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I guess I wonder why so many woman go looking for reasons or excuses as to why a proposal hasn’t come. The reason is pretty self explanatory- it is because one or both parties do not think they are ready to be married. There can be many factors that go into that (maturity, finances, not sure if the person is right for you/trying to reconcile if you can live with the other person’s quirks or personality for the rest of your life) but it all boils down to the same thing- being ready to commit to marrying the other person (because you can also commit to someone without marriage).

Post # 5
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee

It can. But living together and marriage are very different. 

Before living with someone Id have wanted to talk through marriage and children and future plans (I see friends just moving in with their ‘now’ guy and then try and turn him into a ‘forever’ guy. It ends in heartbreak). 

The mistake people make is living together ;usually quickly) and then getting impatient for marriage but they’ve not seriously discussed it. 

Post # 6
Member
2487 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think living together delays a proposal. However, I do think some men who aren’t ready or don’t want to get married use it as a next step to placate their partner, thus making it seem like a proposal is delayed. 

I would not have gotten engaged without living with a partner. My now DH was ready for marriage, so the proposal came less than four months after moving in together. 

Post # 7
Member
5145 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

View original reply
j_jaye :  Agreed with this.

My thoughts in no particular order:

1. If someone wants to marry you and is ready to marry you, living together will not “delay” that;

2. I would not marry someone without living them first. I would also not make choice to not live with someone in order to “hasten” a proposal.

3. To me, the “goal” is a healthy, loving, committed relationship, not marriage necessarily, so whether or not living together delays the marriage, well, what is rush!

4. Sometimes people move in (and hell, sometimes people even marry!) without properly discussing their expectations, goals, needs, wants.  Or whether they are ready and the relationship is ready. Instead they see it as “next logical step” or “we have been together for X time”. They may have very different reasons for moving in (one sees it as precursor for marriage, one sees it as convenient) without even discussing it.

5. I would not date or stay with someone who held beliefs like “why buy the cow when you can get milk for free”. I am not interested in men who don’t want a true partnership, who don’t respect my personhood, and who hold those kinds of attitudes.

 

I have lived with two men. The first, I never married. We bought a house together but ultimately broke up after about 4 1/2 years. I have no regrets. Keep in mind marriage was never a “must” for me, but I don’t think the course of that relationship would have been different if we married before moving in except we would have had to deal with a divorce as well. 

The second is my now husband. Again, marriage was never a must for me, but we knew early on we had something special and we were a team; that we wanted to be life partners. We moved across country and in together about 6-7 months into dating and we were engaged 5 months after that. Married a little under 3 months later and have been happily married over 6 years. 

Post # 8
Member
510 posts
Busy bee

Possibly, but in my eyes, living together is like being married anyways so a proposal is a big bonus, but not a neccessity. My partner and I moved into together after dating for 4 months. Now we’ve lived together for over 9 years. We always said that we’ld get married on our 10 years anniversary so, for us, living together did not delay the proposal. 

Post # 9
Member
510 posts
Busy bee

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1judejude :  But saying that, alot of our friends have lived with their partners for 7 – 10 years as well, and they all say that they don’t need to get married any time soon because they live together. 

Post # 10
Member
7422 posts
Busy Beekeeper

No. And I think the question is kind of messed up, like you’re scheming about what is the best strategy to get someone to propose faster. It should not be about strategizing. Like say you’re worried if you move in with your bf, he’ll get too comfortable and he’ll be in no rush to propose, so you decide you’re going to withold living together until he gets you a ring. That’s kind of manipulative. I wouldn’t want to be with someone that had to be manipulated into marrying me.

On the other hand, I don’t think there is anything wrong with waiting to live together until you’re engaged. That’s what I did actually. But it shouldn’t be about hastening a proposal. For me, it was about wanting to be sure my boyfriend was really committed to me before I uprooted my life to live with him, because living together is a really big step for me.

Post # 11
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

We were living together for 3 years when we got engaged but that was due to our age as we were 24 when we got engaged.

Whether it delays a proposal depends on how you both view marriage. If one of you views marriage as “just a piece of paper” then yes it’ll probably delay an engagement because there is no difference. Why don’t you talk about what marriage means to each of you before deciding? If you both feel marriage can offer move than living together then go ahead, there should be nothing delaying engagement then. 

Post # 12
Member
5077 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

Not necessarily, but I do think that some people can confuse the decision to live together with the desire to get married. If you assume that your SO is going to propose because you live together and that’s the next logical step, you may end up disappointed. I think it’s always worth it to discuss future expectations before deciding to live together if marriage is important to you.

Post # 13
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Living together is what solidified our relationship. We have been living together almost a year, and in that time we’ve grown into a family. when I first met my SO he expressed that marriage wasn’t something he’d ever thought of for himself. I didn’t have any strong feelings on getting married either, but now, it’s something we both look forward to. We are prepared, and know what life is like together, and it’s amazing. The next step is marriage. 

Post # 14
Member
9565 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

If he wants to marry you he’ll propose, living together or not. If he is looking for a way to stall, then yes, some guys will placate their gfs by moving in. I think you can get a sense of his feelings on marriage just by listening to how he talks about the possibility (REALLY listening, not hearing what you want to hear or thinking you can change his mind). I think bad situations can happen when the gf assumes that moving in means “yay imminent proposal!” when he never implied that. To him it might mean… “why bother getting married whats the difference”.

Ive seen couples stay in bad relationships because they couldnt afford to move or it was just too difficult. Or broken up but stuck living together. And then if you do break up its like a mini divorce… you have all this joint property. Maybe a pet in there. On top of the break up trauma someone has to move…. yuck. Of course these things can still happen post engagement, but your odds are better because there is a formal commitment.

For all those reasons I personally refused to move in without an engagement. No way in hell was I giving up my amazing apartment for a boyfriend. If he wanted me to play wife, then he could propose. I wouldnt marry someone with out living together, but we had a 1.5 year engagement for that to make sure there were no unforseen crazy skeletons we somehow missed. (like pooping in diapers- wonder what happened to that poor girl! lol)  

Post # 15
Member
749 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

View original reply
southerncharm :  so before I met my DH, I was on the No Living Together Before Engagement train. I was so afraid of becoming a roommate with no hope of proposal in sight. When DH and I met, and began spending so much time together, it became not only natural for us to get our own place, but also so unnecessary for me to spend all that money on rent each month for an apartment I literally saw once a week. 

So, we talked about it; we both wanted to make it official and move in together, especially since we had talked about marriage. It made sense to us to take that step. Plus, honestly, I wouldn’t marry someone I hadn’t lived with. I just made it clear before I packed a single box that this was a precursor to engagement, and he assured me that he had been planning that long before the subject of housing came around. He even told me if we weren’t engaged within a year then I had his blessing to move out. He proposed a month later, lol. 

I think each person has their own personally held beliefs and each couple knows what will work for them. I believed my DH when he said the proposal was coming whether I moved in or not, and sure enough it did. However, I definitely could see it being a stalling tactic if the desire for marriage is one-sided in a relationship.

 

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