(Closed) Is living together more likely to delay a proposal?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 61
Member
2500 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: County courthouse

My husband and I lived together for a few months before he proposed. I knew he had the ring and I waited until he was ready. But, before I moved in we had seriously discussed marriage and I had already picked out a ring. We knew we would marry and pretty fast. My sil loved with her bf for like 5 years before he proposed but he did give her a promise ring. Some couples are just different. My husband and I had a time line for marriage and engagement.

Post # 62
Member
2922 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

View original reply
courtneysokal :  Divorce rates are down but so are marriage rates, which can also account for why less couples living together marry. Correlation vs. causation.

Post # 63
Member
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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southerncharm :  one has nothing to do with each other. always depends on the people.

Post # 64
Member
6 posts
Newbee

My partner and have been dating 7 years this year, living together for 5 1/2 years and have a beautiful 8 month old bb, no engagement ring or proposal!

It’s not that he doesn’t love me, it’s that he is moving at his own pace. After many discussions, some very angry (my part and I will fully put this down to hormones!) We both agree that we are on the same wave length, that marriage is the next step. He planned to propose to me last year, but we got pregnant so that became the priority, so I fully believe this is the year (esp after he has shown me the type of engagement ring he has planned).

On the other hand, two of my family members have been dating their s/o for less that a year and are engaged and all, so everyone just moves at their own pace. 

Post # 65
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee

I would never have married someone I hadn’t lived with first…I have had several relationships that I thought had potential, and as we lived together, I realized they weren’t “the one”…I don’t think I would have known otherwise and would probably have ended up divorced..

I don’t think one thing has to do with another – I think whether a proposal comes has more to do with your communication and expectations as a couple…before moving in with anyone, I discussed what my long term goals were and I expressed that I was not interested in living with someone for years on end without taking the relationship to the next level…

Post # 66
Member
1044 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Considering that neither my husband nor I would even consider proposing to/accepting a proposal from or marrying someone we had NOT lived with first…..NOT living together would have delayed a proposal  ….indefinitely.

Post # 68
Member
1789 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
peegee :  True! Perhaps we are seeing people making more careful decisions about marriage these days? Taking more time to see if the person they love is the person they want to marry. 

Of course there are many more factors that go into all of this.

Post # 69
Member
1705 posts
Bumble bee

 

I think the bigger question is whether a faster proposal is right for every couple. There is such a thing as rushing into marriage for the sake of cultural approval (wanting to have sex, wanting to live together, etc., without feeling judged).

I think if moving in together slows down the next step for your relationship, that’s probably a good thing, and you probably needed that time to grow.

Post # 70
Member
2236 posts
Buzzing bee

There are two main reasons for a couple to move in together: Convenience and as a Next Step.

I’ve lived with two boyfriends before, but both times we moved in together out of convenience, to save money, because we were “always together anyways,” etc. Both of those relationships ended. 

My current SO and I made the decision to move in together as the obvious next step toward getting enaged and married. We’ve been talking about getting married for a few months now, and we know we are on the same page, and we both confirmed with each other that neither of us sees this as a convenience thing. He has confirmed that, for him, this is a next step toward further commitment, and he’s super excited, and so am I. 

We don’t have a timeline nailed down yet, but I am happy with this. We are being intentional with this, not haphazard. And I don’t need a timeline at 10 months in – I am just enjoying getting to know him better and better.

If HE hasn’t initiated a check-in conversation by the 1.5 year mark (May 2017), then I’ll ask what’s up, but I highly doubt that much time will go by without the conversation regarding next steps coming up organically. We are both excitable people, and tend to communicate openly about next steps, etc. 

I think moving in for convenience can (indefinitely) delay a proposal. I think if you’re on the same page regarding the intention of moving in together as a step toward getting engaged, it shouldn’t. I can only see it speeding things up in our case, since we EXPECT we’ll live well together now but pretty soon will KNOW we do.

If you are moving in with a guy with the HOPES that he sees it as a step toward engagement, promptly apply the brakes and have a conversation first. Save yourself from getting that entangled and incurring all those barriers to leaving.  

Post # 71
Member
312 posts
Helper bee

It can but living together isn’t a definite end to getting married. Loads of people I know lived with their boyfriends first before getting engaged myself included but I also know those who never lived together, get engaged. It just all depends. 

Post # 72
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
southerncharm :  No, I don’t think so at all. I think a lack of communciation is what leads to problems. Don’t move in if one of you thinks that’ll be how your relationship continues for the next 10 years while the other thinks it means a proposal is imminent. None of these decisions matter as much as talking to each other does.

Post # 73
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I actually let my husband know when we were dating that I wasn’t moving in until we were engaged. Neither he or I have lived with a girlfriend/boyfriend. After he proposed on New Years Eve 2014, I actually didn’t move in until 6 months later. He purchased the home that we now live in one month before the proposal, so I knew it was coming since a single guy doesn’t purchase a 4 bedroom/3 bathroom house in a very popular family/ A public school system rating for nothing. I know for a fact if I moved in before the proposal then it would have delayed things and maybe be worse being “When are you going to propose?” “Where’s my ring?” over and over again. I also know so many people who have lived with boyfriend/girlfriend and it not work out. But some marriages don’t work out either! I think both are ok, but I personally knew I would never move in with a boyfriend. 

Post # 74
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

View original reply
RayKay :  Love everything you said, and I totally agree! But I also love your marriage timeline, as that is a rough mirror of what we are hoping for and I felt a little crazy for it! Haha. Together since August, moved in together in May, hoping to be engaged early next year and married in the fall. 

Post # 75
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I refused to move in with someone before being married to them.  I might have considered it once engaged but it didn’t work out that way.  So I’m not speaking from personal experience at all! but purely narrative experience from seeing th experiences of lots of friends and coworkers and chatting with both males and females.  So my answers are the top three “trends” I’ve seen personally from people moving in together.

1.  Yes, most often, it absolutely does delay, sometimes permanently, a proposal.

2.  It doesn’t ensure a successful marriage to live together first.  People still divorce even if they lived together before being engaged.

3.  When it is a deliberate choice of moving on to the “next step” consciously and not just a “well, my lease is ending” or “we could save money” or “it just makes sense” convenience decision — it seems much more likely to lead to a proposal within a year or less.  

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