(Closed) Is living together more likely to delay a proposal?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 76
Member
2488 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

I think living with someone can only delay a proposal if marriage is never discussed. As a healthy couple who talks about expectations and what they hope to achieve (marriage, finances, buying a house, careers, children, etc.) and then you live together, I think your partner is always clued in to what you want and vice versa. But I think the problem lies with couples who move in to “take the next step” but where each party isn’t aware of each other’s end goal. For example, if a woman wants marriage and children, but never has a conversation about it with her partner, he might think moving in is as big a step as they will take.

 

Personally, I don’t mind too much whether I live with my boyfriend first. I asked him what his opinion is, and he said he would rather live together before we get married so we agreed that it would be appropriate to buy a house while we’re engaged. It gives us time to get used to our bearings and our routines.

I think there’s two huge things to consider—how long are we going to live together before getting engaged/married and do we have to live together before we get married (to get a feel for married life).

 

 

Post # 77
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee

This is just my particular biased experience, but I lived with a man for nearly 3 years (and we’d been together 3 years before that) and he never proposed and we ended up breaking up, so now I’d never move in with someone full-time unless we were engaged. I know others have different (and better) experiences, but there’s mine.

Post # 78
Member
1709 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Garden

southerncharm :  LOT of temptation when I’m with my Fiance at his place just chilling for a couple hours. Imagine for months or years. And things WILL bound to happen. Ever heard of the phrase “why buy the cow if you’re getting the milk free?” Guys will have that mentality if you do go that route. Definitely don’t get pushed into something you don’t want to do if you do decide to live with him. 

A friend of mine decided to live with her fiance and it took him 9 years to propose. If he does decide to wait 2 years or 9 months or even 4 years just be ready when the proposal does happen. 🙂 im not saying to not go ahead and live with him, just decide and be aware of the outcome.

Sometimes living with him can give you insight on who you’re marrying, maybe things he does that you can’t live with. I say for a week or a month, but not years prior to your marriage. 

Post # 79
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

We officially moved in together at six months (really it was more like after three…) and got engaged just after our first anniversary. Living together just showed us that we were absolutely meant to be together and sped things along that much quicker. When someone wants to marry you, they’ll propose. If they don’t or they’re not ready or whatever else, your living situation doesn’t matter. It just becomes another excuse/stalling tactic.

I would never in a million years agree to marry someone before we’d lived together.

Post # 80
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

Living together is what made my fiancé and I grow strong as people and as a couple. 

Back in 2012, my now-fiance and I moved in together after only about six months of dating, due to the fact that we live in NYC and rent is absurd. He and I were still both very immature when we first met, and in terrible places in our lives. About four months after moving in together, we broke up. It was over something stupid. Yet, we still continued living together because moving was so expensive. Though, looking back on it now, we realize that neither of us moved out because we could not imagine life without the other one there.

During the year and a half that we were “broken up”, we helped each other become stronger people. He guided me through getting over a terrible Adderall addiction that I had developed back in college. I guided him through deep clinical depression, that he says very well could have taken his life, had I not been his rock and had him seek professional help. 

We rented a new apartment together in June of 2014, and got back together in October of that year. He proposed over this past Christmas. 

We are inseperable. Both our lives have been forever changed for the better because of the other one. We went through hell together, and survived. Had we not been living together, we probably would have stupidly called it quits back in 2012, and deprived ourselves of the greatest thing that ever happened to either one of us.

Post # 81
Member
28 posts
Newbee

Personally I would rather live with my boyfriend before getting married, could it delay marriage.. probably. Buying a house and weddings aren’t cheap and can’t be done at the same time.

Post # 82
Member
26 posts
Newbee

I think if the guy is serious about getting married, he’ll make it happen no matter what. If he’s gonna drag his feet, then living together will only enable him.

My Boyfriend or Best Friend and I won’t live together before we’re married, mainly for religious reasons. But I have my own selfish reasons as well. He doesn’t get the benefit of me cooking, cleaning, other things (*wink*) without the commitment.

I’m not just someone to split rent and groceries with. If he wants me 24/7, he’s gotta make it happen properly.

We know each other well enough now to know the quirks the other one has. For example: he doesn’t put dishes in the sink. He’ll rinse and put them on the counter. Very annoying to me, but not a deal breaker by any means. 

None of those quirks are reason enough not to get married and make that ultimate commitment, in my opinion.

There is absolutely no way I would buy a home with my Boyfriend or Best Friend without at the very least being engaged and having a wedding date set. That’s way too much entanglement without enough commitment.

I also won’t move for him without being engaged, which he knows. 

 

Post # 83
Member
2084 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

If a guy won’t propose to you because he already has the “milk” (and therefore considers you the cow), the problem is with the quality of the man, not the fact of living together.

Post # 84
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

mimivac :  completely agree. This saying is an outdated piece of mysogyny and needs to die.

 

who is to say I don’t benefit from living with my SO prior to marriage? I get plenty of “milk” in return for my “milk” because we are in a loving, cooperative relationship. 

Post # 85
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

mimivac :  lmo013 :  I agree with both of you. I die a little inside whenever a woman uses that phrase.. I like to think that men have evolved past the 1950s and don’t see their partners as cows. Not to mention, when do I start getting paid for the milk? If I was giving it away for free prior to our marriage.. I suspect I should see a return soon.

princessbee1991 :  I lived with my husband for 7 years before getting engaged because *GASP* I didn’t GAF about a proposal. Building a life together was far more important than making sure I wasn’t ‘giving the milk away for free’.

Post # 86
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee

I think that in a relationship where both partners are mature enough, it doesn’t make a difference if you live together, it won’t delay things. But if one or both partners are not mature enough, hell yeah it delays a proposal!

 

I wish I hadn’t started living with my boyfriend first. He was more interested in marrying me when we were long distance and he couldn’t have me all the time. It went from wanting to marry me one day, to reassuring me I wouldn’t be waiting a long time if I did move in with him when I moved to his state, to where we are now: he’s not even sure he WANTS to get married (in general? To me?) and is supposed to get back to me about wanting to marry me or not but hasn’t said anything so looks like I’ll have to be the bad guy and dig it out again so I know what I need to do for my own life.

 

we just started our second year living together in May. I don’t live in regret, but if I could go back I wouldn’t live with him. We’d probably already be engaged. 

Post # 87
Member
2084 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

lmo013 :  Yes! The idea implies that the man is the only one benefiting from living together by receiving the woman’s domestic and sexual services, which were, traditionally, her only currency and worth. I’d like to think we’ve come a long way since this idea.

Post # 88
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

hrtsnstrs :  but aren’t you glad you found that out before he proposed or you got married? could you imagine if he’d been all “lets get married” and then you did, and THEN you moved to be with him after the wedding and he freaked?

Your situation sucks (I’m really sorry) but at least you can walk away head held high knowing that you tried and you aren’t stuck with him if he’s not what you want

Post # 89
Member
4233 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

I couldn’t marry a guy without living with him first. That being said, I feel like Darling Husband dragged his feet on proposing to me. I mean, we lived together for two years and were together for three overall before he proposed. We were already living like a married couple…so what was the point I guess? 

Post # 90
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I think there are two answers to this question.  There are some that will say – What reason does he have to marry you if you are already giving him all the benefits of marriage?  For some men, this is true.  He will get comfortable in the current situation and not advance past this.  For others, it’s a great way to make sure that you are 100% compatible before getting married.  So many couples go through that growing pain in the beginning of marriage from combining two households and it’s a big one.  However, if you have already gotten that out of the way, then it helps you focus on other aspects of being newlyweds.

I will note though that I’m not a fan of newer couples moving in together.  You need to be sure that your relationship is hella stable and committed first.  My fiance and I moved in together after 2.5 years dating.  He told me that he had to make sure that I was liveable with first before we got married.  For me, I saw it as an opportunity for us to both save money.  In my head, it would allow him to save money for the ring hehe.  Then together it would be easier to save money for the wedding later.  We were engaged a year and a half after moving in together.

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