(Closed) Is living together the kiss of death for getting married in a short time?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4439 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

Stop wearing the ring until he officially proposes.

Post # 4
Member
3238 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

IDK about that…but I do feel that living separately (and abstaining) is the fast-track to getting down that aisle. Can’t say that that’s necessarily a good thing either, but I know many, many couples who’ve gone from first date to honeymoon in 12-18 months primarily because they wanted to take their relationship to another level. Conversely, I’ve known a great many couples where at least one partner didn’t feel any particular urgency to get married because they were already behaving like a married couple in a lot of ways.

Post # 7
Member
7312 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

We set an engagement timeline before moving in together exactly because I refused to be in that situation. Like you, I have a child, and I did not want to further incorporate him into our relationship unless the relationship was moving toward marriage in the very near future (18 months or less from move-in day). I think my high standards delayed moving in together, but I prerferred that delay to a delay in getting engaged and married.

That said, you are where you are, and you have to nip this in the bud. I would talk to him again and make it clear that you are not on board with his plan to leave things in limbo for an undetermined period of time. Help him understand why you want to marry him and what being married to him means to you. Also help him understand why you feel like you need x amount of time to plan and start to back into an engagement timeline based on your planning timeline. Hopefully he will come around to see your side of things and why an official proposal needs to happen by x date in order to get married by y date. Once he agrees to that logic, you’ll have yourself an engagement timeline.

And FWIW, there’s no law that says he officially has to ask you. If you want that formality, go for it. But you two could also mutually agree that you are getting married next year and start planning, skipping the whole proposal thing alltogether. Or you could do the asking. Take control and ask him to marry you. And done! Problem solved. 🙂

Post # 8
Member
9642 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@PunkinBride:  You shot yourself in the foot by getting angry with him that he said something as simple as his parents expect you to get married.

He said he wanted to get married within a year just prior to that.  You almost had exactly what you say you want and you blew it by pouncing on that one innocent statement of his.  I feel sorry for the guy at the moment.  Stop playing mind games with him.  He says he wants to marry you.  If he’s like most typical men that is  his proposal. 

If you expect a romantic, over-the-top gesture you’re most likely expecting something he has no clue how to give.  And if you jump down his throat over every little stupid comment he makes OF COURSE he won’t plan a romantic proposal to make you happy.  (I wouldn’t go out of my way to make someone happy who criticized and bitched at me.  Just sayin’.)

You live together, you have children, you have a home, you even have a ring.  Propose to him and start planning this wedding already.  Sheesh! 

You need to decide what it is you REALLY want for your life.  Do you want to be happy?  Do you want to marry him?  IF so, then stop arguing over petty stuff and learn some healthy communication skills with the man you love.

Post # 11
Member
9642 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@PunkinBride:  I stopped wearing it a while ago, and he says why arent you wearing your ring. I dont want to fight about it, but I dont want to wear it until its official. He gets all butt hurt if I dont wear it. I tell him then make it official so that I will wear it and he just says whatever.

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be harsh.  But the above statement is yet another example of your playing stupid mind games with him!!  You are doing everything in your power to guarantee that he is NOT going to propose to you.

Stop behaving this way.  Put the ring back on, stop being so dang stubborn, kiss him on the head, tell him you love him, set a wedding date, and get cracking at the wedding planning.

And we’re here to help with that!

Post # 12
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

 

Exactly why I refused to move in with my FH. 

I never wanted to move in with him, telling him I didn’t want to wind up engaged endlessly or living together out of apathy (People who the love has faded, but they are still together out of living situation – rent etc.). 

We dated for 4 going on 5 years before getting engaged and he did finally pop the question. No, we didn’t move in then either. 

We’ve spent up to a week living in the same space, and there are certain things that drive us crazy (he always leaves the toilet seat up, never puts his clothing in a basket. He hates how I stack papers on a desk then claim ot know exactly where a paper is because its in the stack). 

I figure I love him enough to make things work out when we do move in. It will take some bending. 

 

Post # 14
Member
9642 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@PunkinBride:  Ok, I’m glad to hear you say that.  Stop treating him like crap already!  He wants to marry you! 

Plan a romantic dinner for the man, bake him some cupcakes or something, and propose to him!  He might be deliriously surprised and happy about that.  Wink

You can have the life you want – IF you stop getting in your own way!!

P.S.  I want a happy update!!!!!!!  Plus, post a picture of your engagement ring already!

Post # 15
Member
6210 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

@PunkinBride:  that’s BS that he won’t propose but wants you to act engaged. If you can’t plan the wedding, you shouldn’t have to wear the ring.

Post # 16
Member
9642 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@PunkinBride:   He’s just saying that to get back at you, to bug you and because it never fails to get your goat, is my guess.  Just ignore that, that’s stupid on his part, too.

Good grief, you two have kids?  Stop acting like kids!  You’re the adults and healthy communication is an important skill to learn for yourself and also to teach your own children.  You are both being horrible examples for them right now.

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