Post # 1
Fiance has not officially asked me to marry him even though I have the ring. Dont ask because Im not sure how that happened, but now I have begun to think about it.
When Fiance and I were not living together, he couldnt wait for us to share our lives and get married. So fastfoward and we are living together and we dont even talk about getting married. I have the ring, but he hasnt officially proposed. We have made no plans whatsoever. Again not sure how this happened.
So I thought about it some more and I think that now that we live together, he has gotten comfortable and doesnt feel the need to rush. Granted I dont want to get married tomorrow, but I would like to get married in the next year. Which if he proposes officially now is doable.
We have been together for almost two years. I know that doesnt seem like alot but Im not 20 something. Im late 30’s and he is early 40’s.
So I was talking to him about this, trying to see where he is at. He said well in the next year I would like to get married, and Im good with that, he said besides we have been living together and my parents expect us too.
I got really angry and told him he better not ever marry me because he is expected to by his parent or even me but only if he feels its right. Again he said next year to a wedding but I need the official proposal to happen if thats going to happen. I explained that it can take a year to plan.
I just dont see a real proposal forthcoming at this moment.
So now Im wondering if us living together was a great idea. We have kids so we ddint want to spring this on them. They call each other brother and sisters all ready.
Since we started living together its like he is in no hurry.
Did anyone else go through this?
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
Stop wearing the ring until he officially proposes.
Post # 4
IDK about that…but I do feel that living separately (and abstaining) is the fast-track to getting down that aisle. Can’t say that that’s necessarily a good thing either, but I know many, many couples who’ve gone from first date to honeymoon in 12-18 months primarily because they wanted to take their relationship to another level. Conversely, I’ve known a great many couples where at least one partner didn’t feel any particular urgency to get married because they were already behaving like a married couple in a lot of ways.
Post # 5
@mchitt329: I stopped wearing it a while ago, and he says why arent you wearing your ring. I dont want to fight about it, but I dont want to wear it until its official. He gets all butt hurt if I dont wear it. I tell him then make it official so that I will wear it and he just says whatever.
Post # 6
@Overjoyed: I know both scenarios, Im just not sure what the heck happened. He couldnt wait to get married when we werent living together and now that we are living together he is in no hurry. It doesnt make sense. For all intents and purposes we are married in the sense that we live together, we bought a house together, on our kids emergency contacts for the school we are conversely listed as parent and step parent. We determine what holidays to celebrate where, we go on family vacations. The only thing we dont have together is a bank account.
Im just not really happy with the status quo. I dont want to just live with someone and I made that very clear from the get go that eventually I wanted to be married.
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
We set an engagement timeline before moving in together exactly because I refused to be in that situation. Like you, I have a child, and I did not want to further incorporate him into our relationship unless the relationship was moving toward marriage in the very near future (18 months or less from move-in day). I think my high standards delayed moving in together, but I prerferred that delay to a delay in getting engaged and married.
That said, you are where you are, and you have to nip this in the bud. I would talk to him again and make it clear that you are not on board with his plan to leave things in limbo for an undetermined period of time. Help him understand why you want to marry him and what being married to him means to you. Also help him understand why you feel like you need x amount of time to plan and start to back into an engagement timeline based on your planning timeline. Hopefully he will come around to see your side of things and why an official proposal needs to happen by x date in order to get married by y date. Once he agrees to that logic, you’ll have yourself an engagement timeline.
And FWIW, there’s no law that says he officially has to ask you. If you want that formality, go for it. But you two could also mutually agree that you are getting married next year and start planning, skipping the whole proposal thing alltogether. Or you could do the asking. Take control and ask him to marry you. And done! Problem solved. 🙂
Post # 8
@PunkinBride: You shot yourself in the foot by getting angry with him that he said something as simple as his parents expect you to get married.
He said he wanted to get married within a year just prior to that. You almost had exactly what you say you want and you blew it by pouncing on that one innocent statement of his. I feel sorry for the guy at the moment. Stop playing mind games with him. He says he wants to marry you. If he’s like most typical men that is his proposal.
If you expect a romantic, over-the-top gesture you’re most likely expecting something he has no clue how to give. And if you jump down his throat over every little stupid comment he makes OF COURSE he won’t plan a romantic proposal to make you happy. (I wouldn’t go out of my way to make someone happy who criticized and bitched at me. Just sayin’.)
You live together, you have children, you have a home, you even have a ring. Propose to him and start planning this wedding already. Sheesh!
You need to decide what it is you REALLY want for your life. Do you want to be happy? Do you want to marry him? IF so, then stop arguing over petty stuff and learn some healthy communication skills with the man you love.
Post # 9
@lovekiss: We didnt live together for the whole first year. We gave our kids plenty of time to get to know each other. Also his divorce wasnt yet finished due to him being out of the country for work and the ex dragging her feet so she could keep his benefits. So we didnt rush, but now we are living together and he has made no move to move forward. He just keeps saying he wants to get married next year.
Post # 10
@Sunfire: I agree. I really did get angry, however the way he made it sound is that the only reason he wanted to get married next year is because his parents expect it. That is no reason to marry someone.
Im very happy with him otherwise I wouldnt want to marry him. I didnt particularly care about getting married in the first place, he was the one who convinced me that getting married was going to be wonderful and now that I agree because he is the most caring amazing man on the planet I want to be married to him.
Post # 11
@PunkinBride: I stopped wearing it a while ago, and he says why arent you wearing your ring. I dont want to fight about it, but I dont want to wear it until its official. He gets all butt hurt if I dont wear it. I tell him then make it official so that I will wear it and he just says whatever.
I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be harsh. But the above statement is yet another example of your playing stupid mind games with him!! You are doing everything in your power to guarantee that he is NOT going to propose to you.
Stop behaving this way. Put the ring back on, stop being so dang stubborn, kiss him on the head, tell him you love him, set a wedding date, and get cracking at the wedding planning.
And we’re here to help with that!
Post # 12
Exactly why I refused to move in with my FH.
I never wanted to move in with him, telling him I didn’t want to wind up engaged endlessly or living together out of apathy (People who the love has faded, but they are still together out of living situation – rent etc.).
We dated for 4 going on 5 years before getting engaged and he did finally pop the question. No, we didn’t move in then either.
We’ve spent up to a week living in the same space, and there are certain things that drive us crazy (he always leaves the toilet seat up, never puts his clothing in a basket. He hates how I stack papers on a desk then claim ot know exactly where a paper is because its in the stack).
I figure I love him enough to make things work out when we do move in. It will take some bending.
Post # 13
@Sunfire: Then when people ask me if Im engaged he is the first to point out that we are not engaged, just dating. How can I really wear the ring when thats his response?
Post # 14
@PunkinBride: Ok, I’m glad to hear you say that. Stop treating him like crap already! He wants to marry you!
Plan a romantic dinner for the man, bake him some cupcakes or something, and propose to him! He might be deliriously surprised and happy about that.
You can have the life you want – IF you stop getting in your own way!!
P.S. I want a happy update!!!!!!! Plus, post a picture of your engagement ring already!
Post # 15
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
@PunkinBride: that’s BS that he won’t propose but wants you to act engaged. If you can’t plan the wedding, you shouldn’t have to wear the ring.
Post # 16
@PunkinBride: He’s just saying that to get back at you, to bug you and because it never fails to get your goat, is my guess. Just ignore that, that’s stupid on his part, too.
Good grief, you two have kids? Stop acting like kids! You’re the adults and healthy communication is an important skill to learn for yourself and also to teach your own children. You are both being horrible examples for them right now.