(Closed) Is living together the kiss of death for getting married in a short time?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 78
Member
756 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

this all seems so strange to me. I really really thing you need to get it out of him what is going on. he needs to communicate this to you and letting him get away with keeping you in this holding pattern is wrong. He obviously isnt trying to hurt you, but dont let him get out of the conversation again. What you said to him before is great, but when he says stop talking about it… you need to ask him why.

He needs to tell you what his feelings are, why doesnt he want to pick a date?

Post # 79
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@PunkinBride:  If all is well with living together then I’m wondering what his reasoning is.  You need to talk with him and get to the bottom of what’s really going on.  Be calm, be reasonable, but you deserve some answers here.

Post # 80
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

Yeah, like PP said this is odd. There is something going on. The more you post the odder it sounds. If counseling isnt an option, and not bringing it up or pushing the issue isn’t working, I think you need to push the issue here. I don’t know you or him or your dynamic so you are going to have to figure out a way to start a conversation while not starting a fight.

Post # 81
Member
652 posts
Busy bee

My SO and I had a conversation about timelines and planning before we moved in together. He was very well aware that I would not live with him for an indefinite period of time. He was in agreement. We met a year ago on the first of November and will be getting engaged very soon (he bought the ring over the weekend).

So no, I don’t think living together automatically means it will take a lot longer to get married. I do think lack of communication and neglecting to ask that your needs are met will do it, though. Agreeing to live together without any further planning beyond that point will ensure one thing and that is that you will be living together.

I chose to be very proactive about my needs and wants and it worked out very well. We were on the same page.

Post # 83
Member
756 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

make sure that you make it clear that a proposal redo is because HE doesnt consider the first one real.. not you. tell him that if he would like to change his mind about that, consider yourselves engaged.. then just move forward with the other two points.

make sure you are clear about what you are feeling and what you are saying based on what HE is feeling

Post # 84
Member
894 posts
Busy bee

I’ve always thought that living together would hinder marriage, putting it off for years or even stopping it all together. Because, really, what is the difference between living together and being married? What does the wedding actually change? If the guy doesn’t care about the emotional aspect of marriage (like the girl usually does), then sure, there’s no reason to put a ring on it. You’re already doing all the same things a married couple would.

Post # 85
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

It sounds to me like he might have something planned…

But the whole thing with not saying you’re engaged is ridiculous…maybe he got embarrassed that you were the one that told his mom…she probably gave him an earful about it! Maybe he gave you the ring so the rest of the world would SEE that you are taken…

Post # 86
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

looks like I am getting hooked on these ‘waiting’ threads. .  .

OP,  obviously you know that there’s a problem here. please don’t listen to anyone who is saying that this is your fault and you just need to smile at him more and start planning a wedding!

clearly he is giving you mixed messages and you deserve answers. sounds like he is REALLY hard to get answers from but I would just say to keep pushing. you are not crazy for needing an answer and it sounds like there is little wrong with the communication on *your* end (from what you’ve told us). It just sounds like you are dealing with a guy who is less than straightforward.  

No offense, I’m sure he’s a great guy in most regards! but the way he is handling this situation. . not so much.

I say that to be validating of you, not to be offensive to him.

 

Post # 87
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honey, you are trying to nail jello to a wall. 

Basically, a guy isn’t gonna move on this, unless there is a sense of urgency.  They have to feel as if they have caught you.  So, give him a sense of urgency.  Pick a date in your head, DO NOT TELL HIM, then leave if you have to, and for goodness’ sake, when you leave TURN OFF YOUR PHONE for 3 days.  He WILL get the picture, and he will be overjoyed when on the 4th day your phone is on, and he is LUCKY to get to speak to you.

You have said all you can say to him–any more of this, and it’s beating a dead horse, and you are wasting your breath.  This talking to him business only aggravates him and pushes him into a corner, however much he deserves it.  

I would make myself as scarce as I possibly could.  He needs to get a clue, but you need to realize actions speak louder than words.  Quit asking him where your future is going.  Show him where it will be going without you.

Post # 88
Member
6386 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

My Fiance and I moved in together almost immediately.  I didn’t actually want to get married, he did.  He talked about wanting to get married a little less than 2 years into the relationship and we started to discuss a Vegas wedding; but because of the death of my father, and his father getting diagnosed with cancer, we put things off. 

After things with our families had settled about a year later, I originally agreed to just have a JOP marry us and be done with it, but EVERYONE (literally every person I knew) said “just elope”, “you have to have a wedding”, or “don’t you think you’ll regret not having a wedding”, etc.  It didn’t seem logical to me since we were buying our first house and needed all of our funds for downpayment, furniture, appliances, etc.  My Fiance proposed the same week we closed on our home.  We set our date, based on our budget, so we would have 11 months to plan and save.  As of right now, I’ve got about 6 months to go.

I think it comes down to the fact that one person in the relationship will always be more worried about getting married than the other.  The trick is being the less worried one.

Post # 89
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I really don’t think communication is lacking from the OP’s side. It’s lacking from her husband’s side and frankly, I’d call an ultimatum: tell me what the fk is going on (I’m engaged but you’re not telling anybody and don’t want to plan a wedding?) or I’m moving out since I’m only your girlfriend.

@blueeyedgirl275:  Quit asking him where your future is going.  Show him where it will be going without you.

^THIS

Post # 90
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@PunkinBride: Wait, wait. Hold up. He TELLS people you’re not engaged. I agree thats a problem.  You definitely need to talk (not fight) with him on this ASAP.

Post # 91
Member
4554 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

This situation is driving me bonkers; can’t imagine what it’s doing for you.

Look: You either ARE engaged, or you AREN’T engaged.

My ex-FI gave me a gorgeous moissy. But after that relationship ended, I stopped wearing it. Why? Because YOU DON’T WEAR AN ENGAGEMENT RING IF YOU ARE NOT ENGAGED. If you are engaged, you wear an engagement ring. If you aren’t, and never actually were…why do you even HAVE a ring? If it was not meant to be an engagement ring, it was cruel for him to frame the gifting of the ring as such. If it was, he should have kept ahold of it until HE was ready to be engaged. I am not sure why this is so hard to wrap his head around. He has NO right to pressure you to wear that ring if you ARE NOT ENGAGED.

A diamond ring on the fourth left finger means something has CHANGED. If he didn’t want anything to change, he should have bought you a pretty cocktail ring or a diamond solitaire necklace. What he is doing is sketchy as all get out, and I can’t believe you’re toeing the line here. It’s time to tell him to stop telling YOU what to do with your body. If he wants to tell you how you should or shouldn’t wear the ring, or who you should or shouldn’t tell, then give that ring back to him, because he sounds like a controlling douche.

He is being absolutely irrational, and if it were me, I’d start looking at other living arrangements. Even if he does decide he wants to marry you (and that he is willing to go about it the RIGHT way) do you really want to be with someone who will disrespect you like he has been?

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