(Closed) Is living together the kiss of death for getting married in a short time?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 107
Member
4462 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

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@PunkinBride:  I need to jump in here and say that it’s not ok that he embarrassed you like that in front of those people at the work event.

I am confused about one thing you said. You said that after he put the ring on your finger “we told the kids, they were extremely happy.” Does this include his 10 year old daughter who said that you shouldn’t expect a proposal until next year? Or does that only include your children?

Post # 109
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Because of financial reasons, my husband and I moved in together at the beginning of our relationship. We were together just under 3 years before we were engaged and were married a few months after. We took as long as we did because we were getting to know each-other, going to school, and getting into stable jobs. Also, his few married friends were privately telling him that I would become crazy once we were married (because their wives had), and that scared him. He mentions all the time how much he loves being married and how he wishes we had gotten married sooner. My sister, on the other hand, has been with her ‘FI’ for 10 years, has been engaged for 7 of those years, and at my wedding (2 years ago) told me that they had decided never to get married, because it doesn’t  actually have the meaning the government wants us to believe (she’s big on government conspiracies). 

I think it depends on the couple.

 OP, I don’t have any advice for you! But based on the info given, it sounds like your BF is either planning a new/different proposal or is stringing you along. Not sure why he needs you to wait until next year; usually, it’s paying for the ring that delays the proposal. Depending on how far away ‘next year’ is for him (does he mean Jan?, etc) I might wait around for that time, and then leave if he doesn’t produce an official proposal.  

Post # 110
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

This is how i see it, while living together prior to marriage may slow down the process, I think the benefit of know whether you can actually live together, before you commit is well worth any delay…i.e. TRY BEFORE YOU BUY! just because you are compatible when dating doesn’t mean you will be compatible whilst living under the same roof.

And despite being a Catholic I am a strong believer that you wouldn’t buy a car without taking it for a test drive, be sure to test drive your BF before making him a DH.

Post # 111
Member
1524 posts
Bumble bee

Wearing a ring without a proposal isn’t a good idea. Give it back to him and tell him you would love to wear it when he proposes and is ready to set a date. Explain that you don’t want people to assume you are engaged when you aren’t, and it gets frustrating explaining that you aren’t engaged to people when they see the ring. Tell him you’re excited for his proposal and are willing to wait for it, but give him your timeline and explain what will happen if he doesn’t propose within that time and then FOLLOW THROUGH.

Post # 112
Member
4634 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

i completely agree that living together slows things down where marriage is concerned. it’s just another way for a guy to postpone getting engaged.

Post # 113
Member
9939 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@PunkinBride:   Thinking about you.  Any updates for us?

Post # 114
Member
9939 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@lilsweetie:  I completely disagree with you; it was definitely not a hindrance in my relationship to live together before getting engaged.  DH proposed to me one month after he moved in with me.  He wanted to get married to me equally as much as I wanted to marry him and he was eager to propose. 

When a man is truly in love he does not look for excuses to postpone an engagement.  If a man does that to you, find another man.

Post # 115
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t know, Danny and I lived together for 2 and a half years before we got married, which really isn’t too bad. We had a year and a half engagement, so we became engaged after a year. I never would’ve married him if we didn’t live together first because I don’t like surprises and personally don’t think you really know someone until you live together, but that’s just me. We’ve now been married 2 years. I never pressured him to marry me because it just wasn’t something that was that important to me at the time, and the proposal was totally his idea, though I gladly accepted it. 

I do really think you need to talk to him and tell him exactly how you feel. And enough of this ring game, I wouldn’t wear it if I wasn’t officially engaged. I don’t really understand why you have a ring in the first place if you’re not engaged…

Post # 116
Member
6002 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

I would simply sit him down and say “ok I have this ring on my finger, we talked about getting married and I would like to start planning an actual wedding. What are your thoughts?”

Be more proactive and voice your concerns to him about where you guys are actually at in the process. I can almost promise you he thinks you are engaged since he bought a ring and put in on your finger already. Men can be really thick sometimes with stuff like this.

Post # 117
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

you know what i would do? aside from putting the ring back in the box. i would write him a letter. obviously hes not responding well to verbal conversations, atleast with writing you can lay out your terms and hurt over his proposal/non proposal. 

once he has read the letter he has time to digest it, re read it he has to, sit the ring box right next to the letter. so he knows youre not taking his wishy washy BS anymore.

give yourself an internal timeline and pull back, now the ball is in his court. if he doesnt come to you with a response, that doesnt go in circles like his pervious responses to your conversations, its time to focus on YOU and what actions you need to take from this point forward..

be it moving out, going back to dating, or ending the relationship. its not right to keep you in limbo like that. take your power back!

Post # 118
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

how are you doing OP?

Post # 119
Member
2278 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

It depends on the guy. Things happened very fast with me and my FH. We were together for 9 months before we for engaged but we had been living together for 6 of those due to forces outside of our control. FH was living in another city and got a job closer to me so he moved in. We are getting married in March. If you guys have a ring rand have talked about marriage and you both do want to be married then just start planning your wedding. Due to school timing I started planning our wedding before he “officially proposed” on our one year anniversary. But we had been unofficially engaged for 3 months by then. It is working out very well. 

Post # 121
Member
9939 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@PunkinBride:  ((HUGS)) I’m so sorry you’re hurting right now.  Unfortunately the two of you have a long history of fighting, misunderstanding and unhealthy communication and it seems as though he entirely misinterpreted what your intentions were.  It’s hard to change someone’s perception overnight or with just one conversation.

Keep trying to talk with him.  He doesn’t want to break up.  You have to give him a chance to digest all you’ve said.  Maybe write him a letter or email explaining you meant only to get some clarity and not push him away or issue an ultimatum.

Don’t give up, this isn’t the end.  But it really feels to me as though there’s been a lot of damage done in your relationship that’s pushed it to this point.  You can repair it.  I believe he really wants to repair but does not know how to.

Honestly, I would recommend couples counseling for you two, to learn some healthy communication skills.

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