(Closed) Is living together the kiss of death for getting married in a short time?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 122
Member
9939 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@PunkinBride:  He said I just wanted to cause drama.

I’m wondering why he would say this.  Do you have any insight into why he would?

Post # 123
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This isn’t a living together before marriage issue! It’s an “I’m giving you the ring back because it’s confusing to everyone but you what it signifies” issue! Seriously, give him back the ring and tell him calmly you’ll stop asking questions. Then let things settle a bit and then see how long you can wait. If it’s driving you nuts and he can’t put you out of your misery and just propose already, then think about moving out if it really looks like marriage isn’t happening in 2013.

Post # 124
Member
482 posts
Helper bee

i wish i wouldve found this thread yesterday when you posted. i think talking to him face to face again is a terrible idea, especially since you two seem to be hitting a brick wall everytime you do. this is why i suggested writing a letter, im obviously too late with that advice now.

i dont think your guy is the type to sit in front of a couselor and share his feelings. he told you hes never going to marry you? im sorry but what a jerk. he seems to be blame shifting, everything is apparently your fault. im sorry he hurt you.

Post # 125
Member
5145 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

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@Sunfire:  Exactly. Living together does not cause one to postpone in my opinion. One who is not entirely ready or on board yet with marriage may use it as a reason or rationale to not marry as quickly but this may not be with some nefarious purpose: they may simply wish to take the time to enjoy living together (and of course I am not including those couples who choose not to marry and choose instead to live together which is also completely fine if both are on board). 

My husband and I moved in together about 5 months after our first date (and we actually moved across country in the process). We were engaged 7 months after that, and married about 2.5 months after that. He most definitely wanted to be married (I was actually pretty fine living together common-law indefinitely as that is just the environment I grew up with, and was not even expecting it when he asked though we had talked about marriage before). We were engaged without a ring and without a fancy proposal, so others may have thought we were NOT engaged but we most certainly were.

We were ready as individuals, our relationship was ready, and were wanting to. In previous relationships where we did live with partners and did not marry…we just were not ready (personally or as couples) or wanting to marry them. Living together was certainly not the cause of that. We did not marry them because it did not feel right. Living together did however probably help us each to see that a bit more clearly than we would have if we had not lived together.

I do think some people who believe in NOT living together before marriage or who are remaining celibate until marriage may sometimes have “faster timelines” for marriage over those who move in together or do have sex before marriage, but I don’t see how that is necessarily a good thing either! Unless your goal is “a wedding” and not to have a healthy, happy and strong marriage being faster to the wedding vows is not always the “winning” strategy 😉

OP: The problem here is NOT living together. I think this whole situation is confusing. If you are wearing a ring and are “planning” a wedding even if there is no specific date yet it does come across as being engaged, but neither of you really seem to believe you are…therefore no matter what I say, you aren’t engaged as it is up to each couple to determine what engagement means for them. It is, however, time to have a sit down. Go for a nice dinner, order a bottle of wine and a nice meal, and talk. Tell him how confused you are, how hurt you are that he talks about getting married “next year”, gave you a ring, but refuses to consider you his fiancee. Maybe he just hates the word “fiancee”. At the end you may find out he is NOT wanting to get married after all but you won’t be in any different place than you are right now. Not knowing won’t change that, and at least you can decide what you want to do. 

I agree with those other posters who said you two are definitely much too old to be playing these games. It comes off a bit like teenage drama (“dhe looked at me in biology class…what does it MEAN?! Does he like me?”) I am actually trying to be a bit lighthearted with those comments, but it seems to me like you are so afraid of the answer you are tiptoeing around it, and it seems like he is so unaware he can’t even express what giving you the ring means to him. You wear the ring even though it appears you resent wearing it without an “engagement” because he gets mad, yet he also won’t clarify if this is an engagement. Stand up for yourself, what you want, and who you are. 

Honestly, I think you two need some good sessions of couple’s counseling as your communication on this issue really cannot be the only area where healthy, mature and honest communication is lacking.

Post # 126
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

He’s causing drama. Not you. OP, this situation worries me. I dont think he is in it like you are. The fact that he told you that he didnt want to break up, but that he never wants to marry you “if this is how pushy [your] going to be for the rest of [your] lives” is a huge red flag. Communicating how confusing he has been set him off and now he is pretty much leveling a threat; if you dont step in line with what he wants, he wont give you what you need. I suppose you should let him cool off then try to calmly talk again but based on the past and that statement… I personally think you should be preparing an exit strategy. His actions and now his words are speaking volumes and its time for you to listen.

Im deeply sorry.

Post # 127
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

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@Beautiful Bluegrass:  +1. I totally agree.

he sounds like a jerk! OP, it sounds like you are communicating just fine. I know we only have one side of the story but I really don’t think most of the problem is on your end from what I’ve read.

i was sorry to read your update and see that things turned out so badly 🙁

it doesn’t sound like you are causing drama, it sounds like he’s embarrased cause he’s caught in his games he was playing, and his defense is to turn it around on you and blame you for being so ‘pushy’.

that stinks and I hope you guys either work it out (he realizes how crazy he is being and apologizes) or you are able to move on and find someone who is more emotionally stable.

seriously- who gives their Girlfriend a ring, wants them to wear it, and then gets pissy when the Girlfriend starts talking about wanting to plan a wedding in a certain timeframe?? seriously. he is off his rocker.

some people are just crazy.

Post # 128
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

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@Sunfire:  my guess is the reason he said this is because he is a sad, defensive man and that is the only thing he could throw at her. (accusations of ‘drama’).

Post # 129
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@PunkinBride:  I have been following this thread and wanted to say I’m sorry for what has happened. I personally do not think you did anything wrong based on what you have said. He was telling you 2 different things and you had every right to know the truth. I hope you two are able to talk it over some more in the future and come to an agreement that makes you both happy.

Post # 130
Member
6253 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

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@Beautiful Bluegrass:  +1

OP, the way he reacted really worries me. How manipulative! And what kind of man proposes to a woman and then makes her keep it a secret? If I were you, I’d be glad to be rid of a man who seems to be ashamed to be engaged for whatever reason, and who, when you call him out on it, turns the blame back on you.

You did NOTHING wrong. You didn’t ask for anything that isn’t the status quo for most relationships like yours. You didn’t ask any questions that the rest of us wouldn’t have asked if we had been in this messed-up situation. He is acting like a child, freaking out, reneging on his promise to marry you for NO reason, acting like he is ashamed of you, and basically messing with your head. I don’t know if he IS an ass, but he sure sounds like he is being one right now. And to act like family to your kids, tell them you’re getting married, and then turn around and tell you that you are NOT getting married just because you had the AUDACITY to want to know where your own future was going?! I am literally sitting here with my mouth hanging open.

The first step is to stop blaming yourself. Secondly, you need to decide what you do and don’t deserve. I’ll give you a hint: you deserve more than this. Then you can decide where you’re going to go from here, but don’t do it from a place of regret and shame. You deserve neither, and frankly I think the fact that he’s piling either on you, let alone both, is pretty reprehensible.

Post # 131
Member
7305 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

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@PunkinBride:  You didn’t “blow it”. Trying to have a calm, rational, heartfelt conversation with your partner about the current status and future of your relationship is not “blowing it”. Having conversations is what grown-ups do. And your SO is not behaving in a grown-up manner right now. Obviously he needs some time to cool off and come to see that he is behaving like a petulant asshat. Loving, respectful, supportive partners do not tell their partners that they will never be married out of pure spite, nor do they tell their partners that they should have kept their mouth shut. He is being downright nasty, and that is not acceptible. You need to stand up for yourself and make it clear that you will not tolerate this behavior toward you, and you will certainly will not subject the children to this crap. Does he really want his daughter to think that this is how a woman should be treated? Would he want another man speaking to her the way he spoke to you? I should hope not.

And once he apoligizes for acting like a jerk, the topic will still need to be discussed. If he honestly has decided that marriage is off the table, are you okay with that? Can you be fulfilled by living together without marriage? If so, couples counseling is likely a good idea to learn how to better communicate with one another. if not, you need to work on your exit strategy because you need to take him at face value on this one.

Post # 132
Member
6734 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

OP, sorry that you’re going through this.  *HUG*

Due to the hurricane, I’ve been and will continue to be MIA until I get power back.  I’m at work now, so I decided to check in.  I read your update and the first thing I thought of was that he was gaslighting when he said all you wanted to do was cause drama.

It seems like he’s hiding something or not telling you something – either that he bought you a ring because he thought it’s what you wanted and didn’t have an idea on when he was going to actually propose, or that maybe his mom doesn’t like you or I don’t know what it could possibly be. 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

This is his fault, not yours.  Please keep that in mind. 

Post # 133
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

What the heck. Just read this whole thread and honestly it sounds like you are scared to ask him basic questions (because look at how he reacts). I’ve been in similar relationship and he honestly sounds controlling and manipulative (I understand that’s my opinion based on little info). Remember, YOU have a RIGHT to know where your life is going, where you stand with this guy, etc. This is how the conversation should go if he’s listening to you.

OP: SO, I’m confused. I really love this ring you gave me, but I’m really confused about what it means. You say we’re not engaged, so I’m not comfortable wearing it until we are. I love it and would be proud to wear it when you officially ask me to be your wife <hands back ring, big kiss>

SO: I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way. You’re right – you deserve a proper proposal and I want to do this right. I guess I was feeling <scared, confused, I don’t know why someone would even do this in the first place>. I will make it right.

Don’t believe that actual men say this? Yes, they do. They do.

Post # 134
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m so sorry your last conversation went so horrible but you did nothing wrong. You did what any reasonable woman would do. Giving you a ring and knowing you thought it was a proposal, let you tell your family it was and then telling other people your not engaged is crazy.

To be honest I don’t think he was ready to marry you. Why he gave you a ring I don’t know. Sounds like he may be controlling. Want’s other guys to think your taken, keep you around waiting for him to propose, don’t know.

Given what you said he said, “He took the ring back, said he would never give me another and that if I had just let it alone then maybe just maybe he would have made it right but that since I couldnt be patient and let him do it in his own time instead of giving him an ultimatum that it was never going to happen now.” Did he plan to ever make it right?

Telling you that you had no right to talk about your confusing, I’m wearing a engagement ring but I’m not engaged to anyone is bull. Also, if you’re too “pushy” to marry I don’t think living together and playing house with him and his kids is the right decision.

 

Post # 135
Member
1524 posts
Bumble bee

He “maybe” would have proposed? Uh why did he buy you a ring that you wanted to be proposed to with if he wasn’t planning on proposing? It sounds like he’s looking for an out. It seems like there’s more to the story, too. It doesn’t make sense that he’s not sure about proposing to you, but bought and gave you a ring that you would want to be proposed with. It’s really inappropriate of him to react like that, because he’s being illogical. So it seems like something else is going on, but if that’s all you said to him, it seems like he maybe changed his mind about proposing, but wanted some sort of either control over you or wanted other guys to know you’re taken. I have no idea. If this is how he acts all the time when you try to talk to him, I would decide for yourself what you want. If you want to get married, I would move on from him if he’s not going to apologize and have a reasonable talk about your future together. Maybe he was planning something and is really frustrated you brought it up? Even then, his reaction is inappropriate and I wouldn’t want to marry someone who told me they wouldn’t propose to me and marry me because I wouldn’t wear an engagement ring when we weren’t engaged and went off on me like that. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. I don’t think it’s your fault, though.

Post # 136
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@futuremrsk18:  I AGREEEEEE 1000%!!!She should be talking to him and MOVE ON, Life is TOO SHORT!

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