- 7 years ago
Hi, sister bees. I am still reeling from the discussion with Boyfriend or Best Friend on Sunday, wherein he told me he is not ready to stand up in front of God and everybody and declare I am THE ONE he wants/needs to marry and that I make his life so much better (oh, and let him count the ways!) (A male friend of mine said that sounds like an anti-proposal.:(
I was just talking to myself aloud (it’s okay, no one else is home but the cat) and wondered if I could just have a big ass birthday party where I am the center of attention, and maybe get the same feeling of validation. As if.
I keep getting this feeling that I just don’t quite qualify to be his wife. We have lived together for 2 years and known each other for 3. I have a grown and gone daughter and he has a grown and gone stepdaughter. We both work full time and have the same amount of education. We agree on most issues, except that I am WAY more verbal than he is (could that be because I’m a female?) But, seriuosly, it is hard for h im to find his words a lot. Ugh.
I must admit I love the idea of walking into my wedding in a beautiful dress, having a few frills here and there, and having him declare that I am the ONE, with everyone important to us watching. I think I would leave now if I had any money with which to move and pay for a new place. Sigh. I am near the end of a medical leave so that’s another stress, both recovering physically from carpal tunnel surgery AND financially, I will get a partial paycheck on Friday and then on the 15th I think it will be zero, zilch, nada. I will get a more normal paycheck on the 29th, if all goes well with my return to work.
Back to validation: I have read practically every self help book out there, and had too many therapists to count. I KNOW I don’t need a man to be happy. Still, I want one. I was single for most of the past 10 years and I guess there is a part of me that is worried Boyfriend or Best Friend is my last chance. I don’t really believe that, but it is a fear I struggle with.
We already have separate bedrooms (he can’t sleep with someone else in the bed). He’s been kind, supportive…okay, this isn’t about him.
For me, getting married is a chance to share your relationship with people you love, express your style in the frills of your wedding/wedding stationery, and a time to throw a wonderful party where everyone is so happy that you finally met someone worth your trouble.