(Closed) Is longing for marriage, longing for validation? (long, sorry)

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Does marriage = validation for you?
    Yes, when I think about my loved ones seeing us at the "altar" : (13 votes)
    19 %
    Yes, when I think about having the engagement ring on my finger : (16 votes)
    24 %
    Yes, when I think about him opening up and accepting me as I am : (16 votes)
    24 %
    No, that's a bunch of baloney : (22 votes)
    33 %
  • Post # 3
    2154 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I think you totally want to get married, which is normal – it’s important to a lot of people. The question is: do you really want to marry HIM, or do you just really want to get married? If it’s the former, I’d stick around, but if it’s the latter, I just don’t think you’re going to be happy, married or not. 

    Post # 4
    16195 posts
    Honey Beekeeper

    Marriage is not personal validation, but for me it solidifies my relationship. Sure, that doesn’t have to mean a wedding, but if you have friends and family who want to celebrate with you, there’s nothing wrong with that!

    Post # 6
    27 posts
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I am so sorry! I see where you are coming from and my heart hurts for you. I truly write this as an outsider who is not trying to hurt your feelings are start any problems.

    If my Fiance ever said that he was not ready to stand in front of God and proclaim that I am the one after living together for 2 years… then, I would not be living with him. It would be easy to make excuses for him… but, at some point I would need to look at what I want in life and realize that my goals/dreams are not the same as his. It seems to me that you writing this shows what you know deep down. Look at your relationship as an outsider… What does he do for you in comparison to what you do for him. Does he meet all of your needs? Life is too short to settle for something that does not fulfill you are make you feel complete.

    Post # 7
    2892 posts
    Sugar bee

    Is he saying he’s not ready because he’s just not READY, as in it’s too early in the relationship for him to say you’re absolutely the one? Or is he saying he’s not ready because he opposes the idea of it all?

    I didn’t know how to answer your poll because I think the answer is a little more complicated than yes or no. Marriage is a little validating. It does show the world that someone out there cares about you enough that they don’t want any other person on the planet in their life. Just you. You’d be crazy not to say that’s not in the least bit validating. 🙂 But marriage is also a physical celebration of your love for eachother and official joining of families. Personally, I don’t want to be married because I want a ring, or a fab dress, or a slammin party with all my friends in family. I want to be married because I want to take myself emotionally to that point where I hand my entire life over to another person. I want to celebrate how much I love my partner and how much he loves me. And who can possibly hate a honeymoon? 🙂

    Have you asked if he has doubts about you? I’m sorry it wasn’t a reassuring conversation. Hopefully things will turn around soon. I’m sure you’ll figure everything out.

    Post # 8
    2154 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    @mermaideve: Belugas are awesome. Not as awesome as narwhales, but nobody’s perfect.

    Hopefully the counseling sesh will clarify things for you. Good luck!

    Post # 9
    9824 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I eloped and we had a whopping 2 witnesses, so for me it was not about validation. It was about “I want to spend the rest of my life with this person.”

    Is it possible your boyfriend is just maybe at a point in his life where he’s wanting a companion but not a wife?

    Post # 10
    870 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @Beluga: Dude, I saw a picture of a narwhale like last year for the FIRST TIME EVER and I was like: Awesome. The world can still surprise me.

    @mermaideve: I didn’t vote because I didn’t think any of options really matched me. I DO think there is a certain amount of validation to the relationship that comes with marriage, but for me it’s mostly based around building a new family. It’s not the ring, or accepting me as who I am (I don’t need a ring, and we’re not married and he already accepts me for who I am), but it’s saying: I want to be a family with you. I want to build a family with you. Until he proposes, to me, it feels like he’s keeping that option open. 

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