(Closed) Is love really all you need? break up or stay together?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I am one of those people who say no love isn’t enough. However I think your relationship can be saved. I think you guys need to learn how to fight correctly and find compromise. I would hope that in a sober state you wouldn’t behave in the same fashion, so much so that your So would feel the need to lock himself in a bathroom. My Fi and I are total opposites, but I have found it’s provided a nice balance for us, and it’s a lot of give and take. I need my space during a fight, Fi likes to hash things out until they get resolved. Now if we fight, he learned to give me some space to cool off, and I have learned that I can’t stew over things forever, and after taking a reasonable amount of time off, I come back and talk even if it is sooner then I would like. That is just one example for you.

I do think with some relationships it is easy to get drawn into a toxic cycle with fights and the constant back and forth. So you both have to agree and try hard to change the dynamic, and you both should also agree if you can’t do it, then it’s best to call it quitsUndecided

Post # 18
Member
1812 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Love is essential, but just as important is comprimise, patience and understanding.  Two different personalities can be good for each other -you can learn from him how to relax, and he can learn from you that not everybody is so chilled-out.  From the way you write, it is obvious you both love each other, so I would suggest that you both try counselling.  Express your fears and gain new techniques to deal with your differences, and go from there. 

 

Post # 20
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@torn:  I don’t understand the problem…you love each other, but you fight

Who doesn’t fight?

You seem to be communicating well and you haven’t named any major problems–so why would you want to break up

Post # 21
Member
11268 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@torn:  you need to read, The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. trust me.

this will answer your concern about, I told him I sometimes feel he doesn’t love me enough because he doesn’t show it as much as I would like. Basically, I just feel he isn’t as passionate or affectionate as I would like. He claims he just has a chill, laid back personality, and he would like me to be this way too. This has been a recurring issue in our relationship but pretty much our only one.

don’t expect someone to change.  they won’t.  i know.  i have been there.  i was missing the affection, the snuggling, the gestures. but i loved him and he was a good person.  after years of what i felt was him ignoring me, i became emotionally, physically and mentally disconnected.  it took a lot for me to break up with him after many years together but i knew that i needed, wanted and deserved more in a relationship. 

shortly after the break up, i met my now husband.  he is perfect for me.  i get everything i need from him.

to answer your question, yes, you need more than love.  a lot more than love to build a relationship. 

marriage/relationships are not easy but they should not be hard either.  “if you love what you do, you will never have to work a day in your life”. – confucious

 

 

 

Post # 22
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

If I were you I would rather keep going and try to work it out rather than throw in the towel now. IMO, there you don’t have anything to lose by sticking together and putting in the effort for another few months. My Darling Husband and I were in a very similar situation where I was over-emotional and he was under-expressive. Part of what helped was I just had to mature past that stage on my own and realize that just because he didn’t get crazy worked up about things like I did didn’t mean he didn’t care. It took both of us a lot of work to get to the stable relationship we have now but we both knew it was worth it. I would suggest reading the Five Languages of Love. It may help you realize that he expresses his feelings for you in other ways, and if he reads it toohe may realize why you need physical affection to feel loved.

Post # 23
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@mypinkshoes:  My story is virtually identical to yours.  I’m pleased that you’ve found happiness again too!

Having an unaffectionate spouse is hell.  Living with someone who never wanted to touch me – unless it lead to sex – ended up making me feel like a free hooker.  I warned…you could call it threatened….my ex H for years that if he didn’t show me even basic affection, I would find someone that would.  And that’s what I ended up doing.  I’m not proud of myself, but when I had the affair I felt like I had woken up from being asleep.  I realised that wanting affection did not mean I was the one with the problem. 

You said in your OP that your Fiance ‘Claims he just has a chill, laid back personality, and he would like me to be this way too’…why should you?  To me, a personality clash is something that I never want to have to put up with again in a relationship.  

 

Post # 24
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee

I am a firm believer that its important to have your core values the same. my so’s brother is very very country. he hates living in the city, always wants to be busy. enjoys drinking beer with his friends and loves the out doors. his gf is older, very much a city girl, plays video games and rarely drinks.  they get along, but being together means one of them has to be miserable. usually its him since they live in the city and he gets yelled at whenever he drinks beer. I DON’T see how that is a happy relationship! my SO has told me how happy he is he can be himself with me and how we want the same kind of life because he sees his brother struggling.

So I think yoy should consider this. and whether you want a life like that.

Post # 25
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee

Whoops double post

Post # 26
Member
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I sexcond the 5 love languages, and also the 7 principles for making marriage work. My husband and I are the same in some ways, very different in others. We used to fight all the time, seriously, we fought more than we got along. But we knew that we wanted to be together forever, so we figured out how to make it work. It seems like you both WANT to make it work, and that is huge!!! Sometimes, love IS enough, in the road sense. Meaning, if you love each other enough to do anything you can to make it work, most times you can figure out a way that it will work so you both are happy.

((HUGS)). I do hope it all  works out. But please, be realistic enough that if you both aren’t happy with the way things are working, to call it quits

Post # 27
Member
6116 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am so sorry you are hurting.

Love is not enough.  I personally hate every song with that as the lyric too!  You can love the wrong person too. 

He told me I’m too intense and I need to chill out.

He claims he just has a chill, laid back personality, and he would like me to be this way too.

This has been a recurring issue in our relationship but pretty much our only one

SO you agreed that you are too intense.  Do you think someone else out there would love you just the way you are?  Or do you want to change your own core personality – not to keep a man – but because you want to change that about you?  Would you go to therapy for it?

He loves who he wants you to be – he said it.  That’s not you – you admit it.

I don’t see it working out.

I’m a good decade older than most of you.  I’ve been in both good and bad relationships.  I even was married previously.  When they say relatoinships take hard work, I’m not sure they are meaning THIS type of hard work – like changing your core person into someone esle for someone else. 

You are dating right now – you need to be compatible on many levels just while dating. I think if you need to seek couples counseling when you’re only dating, then this is not the relationship for you.

Post # 28
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Gosh, so much awesome/differing advice from PP’s!  It is so tough to tell you what to do, but I can only go by personal experiences, so here it goes.

What you wrote, to some degree, reflects how me and my SO are, in that, we have different communication styles.  We have seen, and continue to do occassionally, a couples counselor.  Why?!  Because it was, and we were, important enough to one another to gain a better perspective of what it is we each want, with the help of someone trained to ask the right questions, etc, in a ‘safe’ enviroment.  It has helped immensely!  And in the process, neither he nor myself have changed who we are, but have adapted to each other’s needs/wants.  We have learned things/triggers/etc that work, and things that do not.  We have learned how to communicate with one another, without ‘hurting’ one another.  In essence, we are opposite, but we certainly attract.  For us, it has worked, and I have no qualms with doing any of it with him.  I love him, and respect him enough to work on these things, and visa versa.  And I have found that, perhaps, it really is compassion for the other’s persons needs/wants/emotions that really ‘push’ me /us to adapt ourselves.  If that makes sense…

In doing this, as well, I have found that not just in a intimate partnerships are these key tools for a loving relationship, but in all of them!  I have to adapt my communication style with each of my sisters, whom are very different than me.  Same can be said for my parents, good friends, etc.  If you view it that way, then I think working on it, for now, is OK!

Post # 29
Member
1329 posts
Bumble bee

Hi OP,

I personally find having my partner more mellow and level-headed an asset in our relationship. Having two mellow people or two high-strung people in my experience has led to disaster. I honestly think it sounds like this is VERY workable! You both need to learn to accept and understand each other’s strengths and weaknesses, and appreciate the unique characteristics each of you bring to the table. After 3 years, I think it is normal to start finding issues and things that “bother” the other person. As you both get more used to one another and your love is well settled into comfort love, arguments like this will happen.

Because there was alchohol involved, a late night and lots of emotion, this stuff is so much better discussed after a few days of cooling off. As long as you have other things in common, generally like each other and enjoy spending time together, different personalities is a good thing…it is just learning to accept and work through the difficult times when there is conflict better!

My Fiance is a very slow starter…we both work in HR so we actually “profiled” one another for personality typing and we are at polar opposites of the spectrum.  I am able to make decisions very quick, enjoy doing so, and am an implementer. I am the one to start the project, get people motivated, and always up for anything. My Fiance freezes when he is faced with a decision, clams up (even with proposing: he says now looking back, he should have proposed a year ago so we could be married already..lol). He takes FOREVER t omake a decision. When he gets confronted with an issue, he takes FOREVER to talk about it. So in arguments, I want to talk talk talk, he needs a great deal of time to absorb, and also his heavy background in politics has left him as a very thoughtful communicator..like, Switxerland thoughtful. Sometimes,  ijust wanna know what is ACTUALLY on his mind, right 😉

It took us some time t owork through this and also understand and respect our differences, but we did and things are so much better! Don’t worry, and don’t give up! 🙂

 

Post # 30
Member
9976 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@torn:  What jumps out at me is this: You’ve had this issue repeatedly over the entire course of your relationship.

I’ve heard that there are some relationship issues that will never be resolved, but it’s how you handle the agreement to disagree that counts.  You can’t change him and he can’t change you.

But the two of you love each other.

STOP having drunken arguments in the middle of the night.  No good ever comes of it.  You decide you want to stick it out and make it work and then you make it work.

Yes, relationships take more than love.  They take committment and respect as well.  Try to mellow out your drama-queeness and stop being a bottomless pit.  I’m not trying to be harsh, I said this exact same thing to my best friend who was never, ever satisfied with what her boyfriend did or said.  He held her hand, she wanted a hug.  He kissed her once, she wanted two kisses.  He brought her a rose, she wanted a bouquet.

You need to learn to accept him as he is and start focusing on the positive things in your relationship and the things you love about him. 

What you focus on will grow.

 

 

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