(Closed) Is marriage settling?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@esplanfreedom:  

I think settling is knowing that you could do better but being too afraid (or lazy) to look.  Knowing that you are probably not going to agree with 100% of someone else’s actions/choices/opinions and being uncomfortable compromising or sacrificing some of your peacefulness for a life partner is very different from settling so long as you think that you are getting the most happiness that you think is possible from any person (because they are the best match for you and, of course, that the loss in comfort is more than made up for by their companionship).

 

I have never thought that I am, or could be, settling for my fiancé.  If anything I think it is awesomely amazing that I found someone so right for me (and I for him), especially as early as I (we) did.  I never expected to get married, but I always hoped I would; however, I knew that I would never marry someone if I thought there was a better opportunity out there.  Also, I may not know how he will be as a father, but I know that I am more excited than I have ever been to have a family because I believe he will be an amazing father.  If life does change us and our relationship for the worse later, I will still think he is perfect for me now (or then, if in future tense)—I will never have thought I settled when I chose to dedicate myself to him.  Settling is very different from being unable to foresee the future or expecting that this person is the best match that there is for you.

 

Also, I have no idea what marriage is supposed to be like either, because there are no standards (oh, and I have not been married yet).  I don’t think my relationship will change at all really, except make us that much more connected because everyone knows we chose each other.

Post # 4
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@esplanfreedom:  hell no, I’m not settling at all

Post # 5
Member
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

No

Post # 6
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I don’t think I’m “settling” with my fiance. He’s not perfect – surprisingly, I’m not either! So for me, it’s really not an issue that he isn’t exactly what I imagined – the other parts of him are so spectacularly great and amazing that they more than make up for the “lacks”

My sister, on the other hand, refuses to “settle” so she really struggles to find any guy she likes – she dates the most amazing, incredible guys, but then leaves them because they aren’t quite what she’s looking for. We really can’t imagine her getting married anytime soon, simply because she’s so picky. She’s only ever met two guys that meet her requirements; one is our dad, the other is our cousin’s husband.

Post # 7
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

There is a fine line between wanting perfection and wanting someone perfect for you. Just like there is a fine line between settling and accepting flaws in another person. 

Someone who wants perfection is looking for a guy who never messes up (beaning late or forgets your b-day) or is always romantic and says the right things. He’s rich and good looking and a hard worker, but always has time for you. He is very masculine, but talks about his feelings like he’s your girlfriend. For people like that, there is an element of “settling”. But when these people settle, they are never *really* happy/content (to your core happy/content) with that person. They kinda  have a sense of, I guess this is good enough. It’s kinda like going to a good restaurant and really wanting the bacon cheeseburger with onion rings (nothing fancy (or perfect), just what you really wanted. But they run out of bacon and onion rings (so they give you fries) and they put mustard (which you hate) on it and you have to scrape it off. You’ll eat it, you’ll get full, it’s good enough, but not what really satisfys you.

When you find the perfect person for you, their flaws mesh with your flaws. Have you ever had a good bacon cheeseburger and gone somewhere else and had an OMG amazing bacon cheeseburger? Same ingredients, but something about the bread and quality of meat is just so much better? Sometimes it’s messier, and you accept that. And you get fries instead of onion rings, but OMG they are just awesome fries and you dont miss the onion rings. 

You know when you are with the right person when you can walk into a room and think, “I’m the luckiest girl in this room” but you also don’t have a sinking feeling like you aren’t good enough for him, because he feels the same way about you. You feel so lucky because you just fit so well together. No one else in that room would fit with you in the same way. You feel content and things are relatively easy.

But the real question you are asking is–how will I know? You date lots of people, some for a short time (one date) some for longer. You find out what is important to you and what isnt. And you get a feel afterward–like wow, while I was in it I didn’t feel like I had to suck in my stomach or hold my breath or shave a piece of me off, but once they are gone, you realize how much of yourself you changed in largeand small ways that over time is exhausting. When you find the right person you have to accomodate and negoiate with them to find out what works, but the effort is easy. (I can’t leave my mess all over the place now, but Darling Husband doesn’t expect me to suddenly be a neat freak)

You know you are settling when you are hoping something better comes along, or you dont accept them for 100% who they are (you are hoping that they change) or you make excuses for them or you try to fix them or you are just exhausted or scared so you say they are good enough. 

You will find the right person and just because it wasn’t right this time, doesn’t mean you cant ever find it. And when you do find that right person for you, you will be able to see all the ways that ex-fi was wrong for you.

Post # 8
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I settled in that my husband isn’t perfect, but I don’t think that anyone is, unless I created them from scratch! He is a kind, loving guy that I am over the moon about, however.

Post # 9
Member
2454 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I guess it depends on your definition of “settling.” As a disclaimer, I’ll also add that I don’t believe in the concept of ‘soul mates.’

I don’t feel like I settled at all. Is Darling Husband perfect? Hells no. But he had everything I needed. He shares ALL of my major morals, ethics, and core beliefs. We have similar values. We have the same life goals and lifestyle preferences. He treats me well. He makes me laugh. He will be a wonderful father. He is a hard worker and will be a good provider for our family. I’m attracted to him physically.

Basically, on my great list of must-haves, he fits all the criteria.

Of the 3 billion other men on the planet, is there one that I might get along with better? Yeah, sure. But I think the same can be said about ANY person you date EVER and I wasn’t willing to throw away my life and all my history with Darling Husband just because the grass MIGHT be greener somewhere else.

I love him, he loves me, and I’m perfectly happy with what I’ve got.

Post # 10
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think there’s no such thing as a be-all-end-all kind of love, a la Twilight and brainwashy tweeny romance. So no, no one’s perfect, and thusly no love is perfect. But perfect would be boring and safe and…who wants the pressure of being with someone “perfect” anyway? 

I prefer to think of marriage as a leap of faith rather than settling. You have to realize that you just don’t want to live your life without the other person by your side and have faith that the two of you will have the fortitude, love, and commitment to make each other happy for the rest of your lives.

Post # 11
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

No marriage isn’t settling.  Your married friends mean there is compromise in a relationship.  Your single friends haven’t caught on to compromise yet. 

I mean is Darling Husband perfect?  No.  I’m not perfect either.  Perfect for each other and compromising on some things is NOT settling.  

Post # 12
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I think Koi put it really well, so I won’t even try to add more. I will just say that I feel like I hit the jackpot every single day that I get to be married to Mr. LK and he feels the same about me. We tell each other every day that we are so lucky to have one another, and we are. So very, very lucky.

Post # 13
Member
4495 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

No one is perfect. But I think Fiance is exactly what I was looking for and what I want. He makes mistakes and does things that irritate the crap out of me, but he has everything in a man that I find important. I don’t consider myself to be settling whatsoever.

Post # 14
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think the phenomenon of both men and women constantly looking for someone better can be attributed sometimes to a fear of commitment. My sister does it. Despite what everyone tells her, I know she is just not ready to settle down (she’s 33). There’s nothing wrong with that, but she gets a lot of flack for it. I also suspect she wishes she *was* ready to handle settling down. So there’s that dynamic.

I looked for more than ten years for “The One” after my divorce. I suspect there were many suitable “The Ones” during that time, but my heart wasn’t really open to it.

Sometimes people settle on certain things when it comes to marriage. I have a friend who married her husband because he is extremely stable, well-educated, makes great money, comes from a rich family, is even-tempered, and a very nice guy. He’s also very good at managing money and saving. Overrall, a very stable, responsible and nice guy. They enjoy a certain lifestyle in a very nice part of town and she is able to stay home with her children. They frequently vacation as a family. She is very, very happy, though I know she would not say she is madly attracted to her husband. She respects him, loves him as a person, loves their life and their kids and they have fun together. As a beyond practical woman, it definitely works for her. 

For me, if I don’t have intense attraction and passion in my relationship, I am not happy. My friend sacrificed that and she’s quite happy. Everyone is different.

There’s many different arrangements and dynamics in marriage that can work for people.

Post # 15
Member
4284 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@esplanfreedom:  You should never settle. It sounds more like compromise!

Post # 16
Member
12247 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I know I’m not perfect, and Fiance isn’t either! But we’re just about perfect together. But settling it picking someone because you’re too afraid to look for someone better!

There is definitely no one better out there than FI!

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