Post # 1
So in my group of friends, one lady is expecting come September. Many of us were not sure what she’d like as far as a shower, when, or who to invite, and so we turned to her Maid/Matron of Honor from her wedding and asked her if she could provide some input. I started work on my traditional baby blanket gift I try to make for each set of friends – I find a crochet pattern that looks like them, or their nursery plans, and get to work until there is a registry, so they get a handmade gift and at least a few store bought gifts. I figured I’d also contribute to a shower, but was waiting on the best friend to tell us what is needed. This family is getting a Celtic knot pattern in shades of green because the father is proudly Irish (and the shamrocks I found were not very pretty).
That was about a month ago. This weekend, the mother to be started a Facebook group asking us to all step up and pick a venue for her and sent us her Pinterest for what she wants. She is basically calling then shots for her own shower – is that normal? I was kinda looking forward to surprising her, and yes, looking at her Pinterest to get ideas, but this feels more like demands, and it’s been a little off-putting to not just me, but others included in the group. What was going to be a fun expression of friendship now feels a bit like an obligation or we just made a pregnant woman cry if we don’t do it just her way.
I was told she did this for her wedding – I knew she baked her own cake and then drove it 5 hours to the venue, and insisted on also cooking her reception dinner for 100 (only 30 came). Her mother made some of the lady guests who came early to help spend hours finding rocks to put in vases for the centerpieces. I kinda don’t want to do that.
This is not saying I don’t want to give her a nice shower – she and 3 other ladies gave me a bridal shower and I know it was a lot of work. But I cannot bake fondant cakes for her, that is out of my skillset, and I don’t want a pregnant lady 8 months gone trying to bake her own shower goodies. I CAN reserve her a local tearoom that bakes lovely cakes, and front about half the cost. And I am willing to do that, just to make sure it’s nice but not a burden on anyone, including her, to prepare. But I and two others are scared she will reject this idea, and since we don’t seem to be allowed to pick where we are giving her a shower and how things will be provided, I feel sad and frustrated. Are mommy-zillas a new thing? I’ve been to and given baby showers before – they were more about the gifts to help the family than dangling rose balls to hang from a ceiling, or mushroom cupcakes (pinterest ).
Post # 2
I think “person-zilla” is a thing. They will simply be bat-shit crazy and controlling in every aspect of their life. You won’t ever please them, so why even try? I would just make the blanket and step out of the way of her planning steamroller.
Post # 3
I think some people are naturally demanding and controlling. You don’t want that stress. Let her Maid/Matron of Honor plan the shower.
Post # 4
I don’t know if it’s a “new thing.” Some people are just incredibly self absorbed and entitled. Honestly, everytime I hear a story like this, I’m amazed that someone who behaves that way actually has any friends!
You sound like a thoughtful person and a good friend. Contribute whatever you would like to, but don’t feel pressured to do anything ridiculous.
Post # 5
I would just nope out of this so fast. If she wants to be that controlling, then great. She can plan it or find someone that will. No one has to plan a shower for someone. It’s gift.
Post # 6
It feels embarrassing – she posted to one lady who helped with my shower “FRIEND, Husband and I really would love something co-ed, and I know you once said FRIEND-HUSBAND loves planning showers, so we’d love his input as well. I’ll add him to the group”. FRIEND felt this was a “call out” to force her in front of other people to plan and pay for her shower. And FRIEND is also a Bridesmaid or Best Man in two weddings, one for her youngest sister, one for a close friend, as well as a Maid/Matron of Honor for her middle sister, all this year. She doesn’t have time for mommy-
FRIEND felt this was a “call out” to force her in front of other people to plan and pay for her shower. And FRIEND is also a Bridesmaid or Best Man in two weddings, one for her youngest sister, one for a close friend, as well as a Maid/Matron of Honor for her middle sister, all this year. She doesn’t have time or money to lavish on mommy-zilla – she’s got BM/MOH dresses to buy, other showers to plan and attend, and gifts to get, and to help both her sister go wedding dress shopping, and bachelorettes to plan and attend.
Usually, she’s a nice person and will be the one to bring you a casserole if you’ve had surgery. So you WANT to do things. But this almost makes it feel she keeps score and expects payback for nice things she has done, instead of normal give and take of friendship.
Post # 7
- Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK
I’m British and baby showers are a fairly new thing here. I did go to one last year where the mum to be hired a hall, had a cake made and sent out a list of gifts they’d like and what they don’t need. Needless to say there was some major eye-rolling. She’s called herself a princess ever since I can remember.
At least your friend seems generous so it isn’t a one way thing. Probably best to let her plan what she wants. I mean she’s had the wedding and now a baby so there can’t be much else she’ll need to plan to the nth degree. Until the next baby shower…
I find big gender reveal parties too obnoxious so I draw the line at attending those.
Post # 8
Isilme : One of you (or all of you) need to tell her “We love you, we’re planning a shower, but WE are planning the shower. Let us know some dates that would be convenient, and when we know how many people we can host, we’ll get your input on the guest list. In the meantime, close the FB group because we’re communicating amongst ourselves just fine.”
Post # 9
Maybe there’s a reason only 30 out of 100 people showed up to her wedding.
Post # 10
There’s no excuse to be overly demaning and demeaning of other people, whetherthey are getting married or having a baby. A mean person is just going to be mean whenever. You shouldn’t be nice to them every time they throw out an excuse.
Post # 11
Isilme : Showers are given as a privilege not as a demand. The fact that she is demanding how she wants her shower to go is completely inappropriate and seriously she sounds completely delusional.
Post # 12
desertgypsy : 100% agree with “personzilla”.
My SIL is one of these lovely creatures… She decided to throw herself a baby shower, roped me into organising it even though I said NO due to my study load – she’s very manipulative. And really self absorbed. Nothing has changed since she had the baby – she now likes to think she gave birth to baby jesus. *sigh*
Post # 13
I am guilty of being a little demanding. For my bridal shower I did refer my BMs to my pinterest board. After 2-3 weeks of this my mom and my sisters pulled me to the side and told me to BACK OFF! And the planning was their concern and that I needed to mind my business and enjoy whatever they gave me. I was stressed and little anxious leading up to the day, but they gave me a lovely shower which was waaaayyy better than my pinterest board. If she is a good friend just let her know she needs to chill.
Post # 14
I agree with Daisy_Mae : . She probably doesn’t even realize what she is doing is making other people uncomfortable. Someone (or multiple people) need to tell her to calm down and relax. The shower planning is under control, and you will talk to her when you need input about the guest list.
Post # 15
I think as a mommy-to-be you can request things such as a co-ed shower, but you can’t demand people do anything for you.