Is my BIL sexually harassing me?

posted 8 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1610 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

MsTrulove22 :     it appears he has a hard time keeping a job and is usually having financial issues

That explains pretty much how he treats his coworkers.  His life is shit and the family SHOULD be encouraging him to get some help with his issues but as you well know, that ain’t happening.

 

Post # 18
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If this is all such innocent jokes, why is he so unwilling to stop after finding out it upsets you? If i made a joke that hurt someone I’d just..stop.

It’s absolutely sexual harassment, and frankly fuck your Mother-In-Law for justifying it, and trying to act like not only does he have a right to behave this way, but that you should just accept it.

YOU aren’t causing problems,  HE is.

Post # 19
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee

Wow, this is awful. I’m so sorry that you experienced this interaction with him even once. It seems like it has gotten progressively worse overtime too. Your husband needs to stand his ground and ignore your Mother-In-Law, who is being very selfish. She is only enabling her son (your BIL) by pretending that this is okay. I’ve never understood why people want to avoid conflict so badly they would rather something like that continue. That is horrible. Stand your ground too. I’d be worried that as time goes on and he hasn’t come around that people will try to convince you ‘well that was a long time ago’ or ‘maybe he has changed’ no way. He clearly does not care at all. He would never be allowed in my house again. Sorry you’re dealing with family dynamics when you’re the one being sexually harrassed. 

Post # 20
Member
1610 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

MsTrulove22 :  I’m not surprised as he was accepting of this behavior before he met you and was basically raised to believe it was normal…..until you came along and that behavior was turned towards you. 

I also wouldn’t be surprised if Darling Husband has always been treated as less important than Brother-In-Law.  That would make him be in a position of constantly craving his parents acceptance and would explain his ambivalence towards them.

 

Post # 21
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this bee, he is definately being inappropriate.  You are doing nothing wrong, and I can’t belive your mother in law said that.  Don’t feel guilty for not wanting him over anymore, he was being disrespectful.  He won’t stop after you and your husband asked so he is just being extremly immature.  

Post # 22
Member
8815 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

MsTrulove22 :  I’m just adding to the chorus: you are right, your brother in law is wrong, your mother in law is wrong, and I’m glad your husband is standing up for you. You are not over-reacting. The bil has made it clear that he’s not going to stop being a pig so the solution sadly is to avoid him. He’s allowed to have a creepy personality. You are allowed to not want to spend time with that creepy personality. If making offensive “jokes” is worth losing his brother over, that says a lot about him. He values the brief tiny tingle in his dick and momentary feeling of superiority that he gets from sexually harassing his brother’s wife, more than he values his relationship with his brother. Nevermind just being a decent human being. Fucking gross. You are not wrong and this is his fault, not yours.

Post # 23
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

pamib :  it really seems like her husband is backing her by kicking the brother out of the house, and not welcoming him back?? What else is he supposed to do? No brother around=no harassment in my opinion. Her husband handled this as best as he could, which I think was totally appropriate! 

Post # 24
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Brother-In-Law is not just being inappropriate; he’s being abusive. Increasingly abusive. He’s a creep and you don’t want him anywhere near your child. Or yourself.

People are responsible for what they do when they’re drunk. People are responsible for what they say when they claim to be “joking” (a joke is an allegedly socially acceptable way to say something that’s not acceptable, much of the time).

Your husband is on your side, not in the middle. Your BIL’s horrible treatment of you is probably going to force your husband to see his brother and mother realistically. Very painful, but also necessary.

Post # 25
Member
6392 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

Stand your ground and do not allow this creep around you or your baby.  Your Mother-In-Law and likely your husband have enabled this conduct in the past, so what’s happening now, the family rift, is their and your BIL’s fault.  Too bad if your husband is sad, he should’ve called his brother out on his conduct before it was his own wife involved.  If they’re that close, his brother’s conduct is very likely not news to him. 

Post # 26
Member
4691 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Feel so bad for you. I’d be terrified that Brother-In-Law would take it even further one day because ‘he gets nutty when he drinks’. How scary. It almost seems like he’s testing your limits, going further each time. Definitely time to cut him off.

Post # 27
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m sorry – he got drunk and *lay on top of you*?? That’s so beyond unacceptable I don’t know what to say. You are 100% right to react as you have.

Post # 28
Member
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

MsTrulove22 : this is disgusting behavior. He never should have been allowed into your house after all of that behavior. Alcohol is not an excuse. He is a perverse predator who uses alcohol as his excuse. Anyone who defends this behavior should be cut off. 

I don’t understand how this is not considered unacceptable behavior by all parties. 

My husband’s younger brother repeatedly kept touching me after I asked him sternly to stop. I never see him because we live far away. He’s an instigator. He kept putting his arms around me and putting his feet on mine and standing so we were touching. I was so fucking uncomfortable. He is only 16! I am 32. I told him if he didn’t cut the shit I was going to punch him in the face. I was so rude and mean and didn’t care how I came off. I have 3 daughters. NO MEANS NO. 

Saying that he is “joking” and “just trying to get a rise out of you” is something an enabler would say. Don’t touch my body without permission. Don’t be in my personal space making inappropriate comments. I would rather have a family rift and be called every single name in the book than tolerate that kind of behavior. Good on your husband for standing up for you but stand up for yourself. 

Post # 30
Member
649 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

MsTrulove22 :  your child should definitely be nowhere near this creep. I’m doubly creeped out that he’s excited you’re having a child. He’s excited… why? My mind keeps going to all kinds of unhealthy possibilities.  I hope your husband can understand that he can have a relationship with his brother if he likes, but neither you or the baby should be anywhere near him. The baby is a person, not a plaything for his family, and as a parent he is responsible for the child’s safety. Yes, even if it makes his family upset. If he can’t quite process that coming from you, maybe he’ll hear it from some neutral third party?

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