Is my BIL sexually harassing me?

posted 8 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

Do not back down. Do not even consider being around bil. You need to put your safety first and bil is not safe AT ALL. BIl has a choice, this is all on him he is choosing to have a rift with his brother because he can’t stop sexually harassing his brother’s wife. Each time a family member says anything about it or how you should make up. I suggest you and your husband have a few simple phrases and just repeat them over and over again. 

– my wife and I will not tolerate Brother-In-Law making sexual comments to her nor are willing to risk him physically touching her again. This is not up for discussion. 

– why are you insisting we spend time with a man who sexually assaulted my wife? 

– what is wrong with you that you in anyway think it’s ok to suggest me and my wife should be around a person who sexually assaulted her? 

Who gives a flying F how “excited” he was about your baby. He has made his choice on how to act. He now doesn’t get to see you or the baby. Also no one is entitled to your child. NO ONE. 


MsTrulove22 :  

Post # 32
2706 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

I hate the “that’s just the way he is” – it’s not an excuse.  If anyone says that to you, try “well, I don’t tolerate sexual harassment and that’s just the way I am”.  You’re not overreacting in the slightest.

Post # 33
761 posts
Busy bee

Your husband would be justified in distancing himself even if his brother’s victim were a stranger, never mind his wife and the mother of his future children. If he had harassed a coworker he could have been fired. If he had harassed a stranger he could have been arrested. Especially at this critical moment, you and your baby cannot afford the extra stress. Maybe later, if he is sincerely contrite, and sober, he and your husband can consider reconnecting, but I would not let him in the home or near you or your children until you are comfortable and satisfied this behavior will not happen again. You are, by the way, perfectly within your right to exile him indefinitely.

Post # 34
8266 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

KiwiDerbyBride :  

This, or some version of it  well, I don’t tolerate sexual harassment and that’s just the way I am”  is SUCH a good response . This ‘just the way I am ‘ bs is a commonplace  with drunks and abusers and pains in the arse  of all sorts and this is a neat way to put  the ball back in their  court.

Post # 35
6097 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I would get mace or a taser and use it at every family gathering until he gave me wide berth from now on. His mother is terrible and while it’s nice that your husband is backing you up, he also needs to not be talking to you about what he hopes for his brother. That’s undermining the support he’s been giving you. It’s not on you to make this a workable solution for anyone, especially given the fact that you are pregnant. And also considering that it sounds like Brother-In-Law would be doing this to anyone his brother married since he does it at work as well.

Also, it is easier to have compassion for dirtbags and fuckups when you don’t have to be around them. His brother clearly has a serious drinking problem. That’s very sad. But so what and who cares? He needs to stay the fuck away from you and everyone needs to be supportive of that and grateful his dumbass hasn’t been arrested for assault.

He needs a punch straight to the throat for his behavior. That laying on top of you shit…. a wet sheet and a pan is all I’m saying.

Post # 36
761 posts
Busy bee

TwilightRarity :  If women responded to sexual harassment with mace, my guess is it wouldn’t take too long for men to take a hint that their behavior is unacceptable.

Post # 37
1073 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - A vineyard

I agree he should never ever be anywhere near your kid. Maybe I’m an overreacter but I have been on the receiving end of abuse before and I would not want to chance my daughter (or son) being in a situation like you are in or I was in myself. If your husband wants to have a relationship with his brother that’s his prerogative. But it is not okay to put you or your kid in potential harms way. How would you feel if your  Brother-In-Law ever did anything to your daughter (if you have one) like he did to you? How would you feel if he taught your son that shit like that is okay to do to women? If it was MY kid I would not be okay with that. I would take my kid and leave every time he visited if your husband allows  him in your home. Go to a hotel even if it’s ever over a period of days. But like I said. That’s just me. I hope your husband continues to back you up and that you stop feeling guilty for protecting yourself and your future kid. 

Post # 38
542 posts
Busy bee

It’s awful that your husband’s family has enabled your BIL’s alcoholism. 

I’m glad that your husband is willing to call out his brother’s unacceptable behavior. That takes strength in a dysfunctional family. 

You are not being unreasonable at all. 

Post # 39
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2020

Your Brother-In-Law is on another level of creepy… and your Mother-In-Law is enabling his undesirable behaviours. I am happy to read that your husband is standing up for you. Stay strong — and know that you are absolutely right to feel the way you do!

Post # 40
1023 posts
Bumble bee

DO NOT allow that POS around your child. Absolutely not. Not up for discussion. Ever again.

Shame on your Mother-In-Law and your husband for even entertaining the idea of rewarding his brother’s despicable behavior by giving a known pervert access to a child! If he thinks it’s fine to have that fucking creep around you and/or your child, then maybe HE should be the one to experience the harassment and being sat on by some misogynistic pig. 

I would not give a flying F if it causes a rift- there wouldn’t be a rift if your asshole Brother-in-law could show some self-restraint! You demanding respect and not tolerating abusive behavior should not even be causing a rift. Your Brother-In-Law should be humiliated and excluded from your family until he can behave. If your husband’s family cannot understand that then they need to go too. 

This is how abuse is still going on. Because of enablers who make it okay because they’d rather look the other way than face the uncomfortable truth. Screw that

Post # 41
213 posts
Helper bee

It’s disgusting that anyone could brush off your BILs behavior as “oh he just gets nutty when he’s drunk”

He’s half a step away from “oh he just gets rapey when he’s drunk”

Fun variations to try on for size:

“Oh he just likes to steal things when he’s drunk”, “he just gets a bit pedophilic when he’s drunk”

What if it was “oh he just gets stabby when he’s drunk?” Would anyone he stabs while drunk therefore be overreacting if they get upset?

It’s YOUR body. He has no right to leer at it, much less fucking lie on top of you. It doesn’t matter how drunk he is, that doesn’t change. You have every single right to not want him in your house. You are not overreacting.

Post # 42
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’d impose a rule if he wants to ever see you and your baby – he is not to drink, or have had any drinks, prior to being in your company.

Post # 43
2356 posts
Buzzing bee

You are not wrong. He is wrong.

His behavior is 100% not acceptable. 

Too bad for your Mother-In-Law being upset by this. Do not let her bully you into accepting someone into your life that makes you uncomfortable. You are an adult. You dont need to deal with that shit. And think about your child.  Your husband is in your court and that’s all you need right now.

I would not see him. I would not allow him near my child. And I certainly wouldn’t be anywhere near him by myself if he just showed up at your house. And if he did show up, I’d call the cops. 

Post # 44
2500 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m still trying to figure out why your husband wants his unborn son to have a relationship with a drunk, sexist, jerkface. How could your innocent child possibly benefit from having this irresponsible, discrespectful, douchcanoe in his life?

An uncle who: 

– Has a drinking problem

– Uses alcohol to excuse bad behavior

– Can’t seem to hold on to a job (see reasons below)

– Physically assults women

– Sexually assults women

– Makes sexist, ignorant, disrespectful “jokes” about women

– Does not respect boundaries

– Does not respect his brother, his sister-in-law, or anyone else

– Does not have one ounce of decency

Yes, I’m sure this uncle would be nothing but a positive role model for your son. 

Post # 45
940 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

MsTrulove22 :  Your MIL’s reaction and general attitude towards her sons behaviours is likely a huge reason why he grew up the way he did… the “boys will be boys” or thats how it is response is frankly disgusting.. it’s exactly this type of parenting that often raises boys to turn into men who sexually harras women, abuse, rape etc them.

If his own mother brushes off his behaviour his whole life then why would he ever think otherwise, I am not saying he is not to blame because he is but shes equally as guilty.

Luckily your husband has a good head on his shoulders and common sense and learnt this on his own.

Its likely he may have started this as a “joke” although unless he was raised in some fucked up household, Ia m sure what normal human being thinks hitting on his brother’s wife is funny to anyone, eitherway the second you said stop im not comfortable should habe showns him he is crossing the line.

I would cut off your relationship with him until he shows you he can respect you and your husband can do the same.. ya it sucks but if family is important to your Brother-In-Law then he will make the necessary steps to change his behaviour


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