Is my BIL sexually harassing me?

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

MsTrulove22 :  your comfort and self respect and right to exist without being sexually harassed is more important than your husband’s sadness and your brother in laws “right” to a relationship with your unborn kid. Who gives a shit if a rift is born out of this. You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. PERIOD.

Post # 47
Member
1785 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I’m in complete agreement with everyone that your Brother-In-Law is sexually harassing you, it’s not innocent, and drinking is no excuse. I wouldn’t want someone like that around my child. Even if everyone in your DH’s family is saying that’s “just how he is,” and would protest the thought of your Brother-In-Law hurting your child, the fact that he’s gone so far as to lay on top of you proves he will go beyond words to actions, and a drunk action can easily, and even if unintentionally, hurt a child. 

Your post leads me to believe your Brother-In-Law has a drinking problem, and beyond that, he doesn’t respect women or your marriage to your husband. 

I know what it’s like to want your husband’s defense, but to not want to cause a rift in his family. But the truth is that you are your husband’s family, as is your unborn child. You take priority now, especially when you’re so clearly in the right, and your child will be defenseless without you and your husband instituting hard boundaries.

Accept your husband’s defense, and set up boundaries. Every time your Brother-In-Law is around and says or does something inappropriate, either you and your husband leave, or your Brother-In-Law is escorted out (if it occurs at your home). Do not let your Brother-In-Law have unmonitored time with your child, or time with your child when only your in-laws are around (since they’ve shown they can’t be objective about this). State these boundaries now, before your child is born, so there is no confusion. 

Post # 48
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

sablescorpion22 :  yeah im definitely happy that your husband is back you (as he damn well should be) but as a fellow woman I think it’s incredibly shitty that your Mother-In-Law is defending this disgusting sexist pigheaded behavior of her son son or not that is inexcusable and like other posters have said she isn’t doing her son any favors by defending his actions and as a fellow woman that would upset me a great deal. I think you are 100% in the right to not speak to him and have a relationship with him you guys tried to talk to him multiple times and at this point its BIL’s choice to act the way he is. Think about it if this man was a friend instead of a brother of your husband he would stop talking to him well being blood related doesn’t give him a free pass. Not only is your Mother-In-Law sending the message that one son is more important than the other but also that as a fellow woman his feelings come before yours as well. You are also just as much a member of that family now since you’re married as well and I’m surprised that point wasn’t brought up yet but I think it needs to be said.

Post # 49
Member
1374 posts
Bumble bee

Your Brother-In-Law is a fucking creep. Stand your ground on this one.

Post # 50
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

It’s shitty that his behaviour is being written off as just ‘who he is’.

You could say the same thing about a husband who beats his wife black and blue because technically it’s true, it’s ‘just who he is’ but that doesn’t make it right, does it?

Post # 51
Member
4468 posts
Honey bee

Yea just another vote for cut Brother-In-Law off 100%. Fuck no he can’t be around your child.  You don’t want your kid to pick up creepy uncles behavior. Too bad of Husband is sad his brother is creepy and acts rapey. Helll no. 

Post # 52
Member
443 posts
Helper bee

You are 100% in the right i am absolutely livid for you that your mother in law sticking up for your bil’s unacceptable behavior this shit that he’s doing needs to stop. No damn wonder no woman ever wanted to reproduce w/ his ass. 

By all means don’t ever let you or your child be around him. He sounds literally disgusting & fucking creepy as all hell…if he can’t respect you & be a decent human being then he deserves to not have a relationship w/ your soon to be son…

Post # 53
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

MsTrulove22 :  Uh….”he gets nutty when he drinks”……then dont f-ing drink! He not only sexually harasses you, laying on top of you is assault. Touching someone in any way is a form of assault, whether it is sexual or not. And actually, since he made comments before he did it, that’s assault and battery. If he did to anyone else what he does to you, he would either be in jail, or on the floor, if you get my drift.

I come from a blue collar hunting family, this guy would have gotten the shit kicked out of him for laying on me. He is insulting you, your husband, your marriage, and God. This is disrespectful all around.

To answer your question: Yes, he is sexually harassing you.

I would not have a drunk in my house, especially if he’s proven he cannot control himself. His family needs to stop making excuses for him. Drunk people do what sober people want to do. He has these thoughts without alcohol, drinking just turns them into actions. 10000000000% UNACCEPTABLE.

Post # 54
Member
2880 posts
Sugar bee

You are right to refuse to have him in the house. What you have experienced from him is sexual harassment, marginally short of assault. (There is an argument that lying on top of you is sexual assault.)

Be aware that sexual harassment is as much about power over another individual as it is about sex. It may be that he wants you to be uncomfortable because he is jealous of you because you are closer to your husband than he is. Or maybe he’s just jealous of his brother, or maybe he’s just a sleazeball, or worse – a sexual predator.

He has been warned so many times that next time it might well be a matter of calling the police. So he needs to get himself sorted. And it is no use him saying that it is all a joke. It is not a joke unless you find it funny. It’s also strange that he would risk his close relationship with your husband just for the sake of a “joke”. Why would he do that unless he felt antipathy towards you in some way?

Incidently, uncles don’t have visiting rights. If your baby is a girl, would you trust him with her? (The correct answer here is no.) If your baby is a boy would you trust him with him? (The correct answer here is no.)

Post # 55
Member
46 posts
Newbee

I’d be the same as you in that I would say he is no longer welcome at my house. I’m glad your husband has stood up for you! I personally would not expect my husband to stop having a relationship with his brother over it though. I think what he is doing is disrespectful and clearly he has a drinking problem. I don’t think it would be right to stop you husband from seeing his brother though. Not over what you’ve described. But that’s just me. 

Post # 56
Member
754 posts
Busy bee

I honestly don’t know why your husband would WANT to keep seeing his gross brother who’s show absolutely zero respect for him. I feel it’s your husband who needs the eye opener here to realise that it is not a health brotherly relationship.. He is bullying your husband and sexually harassing his wife in some twisted game of intimidation and disrespect – drunk or not.

Post # 57
Member
1374 posts
Bumble bee

beejaymes :  so what more would need to occur to warrant OPs husband to not continue his normal relationship with his brother? I’m pretty lenient when it comes to family and their stupidity, but this guy’s behavior as OP describes it would be enough for no contact in my opinion.

Post # 58
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

Yes, he is harassing you. Do not back down. Ask Mother-In-Law how she would feel if it her, her sister or daughter, granddaughter? Would she tell them not to do anything to cause a rift within the family? It is 100% unacceptable. It will mosy likely come to blows if that ever happens to me, especially if it is in front of my SO after repeated warnings! Even one is enough! That is how much he doesnt respect your husband and how much it means to him to have power over you .Frankly, it is a dangerous situation.

Post # 59
Member
1662 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

“Boys will be boys” or explaining away behaviour like this is why men get away with sexual harassment, assault, or rape. Fuck anyone who tries to do that. 

He is definitely harassing you and there is no excuse. I am glad that you are trying to keep him out of your life and don’t give in just to mend the family peace. Your Mother-In-Law is equally as complacent and guilty if she accepts that behaviour. 

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