Post # 1
Beauitiful bees, I would really appreciate your inisight!
In a nutshell… I have a bridesmaid who wants to discuss her own (non existant) wedding rather than my own.
I have been friends with for approximatly 7 years; we met at University. She had a long term boyfriend and the time, I started dating my now FI; we went on double dates and had a brilliant time. Sadly my bridesmaid and her partner broke up a few years ago. She is beautiful, loyal, successful and wonderful but hasn’t been back in a serious relationship since.
When we initially got engaged she did not behave with grace, and made it clear that she didn’t want to talk about the wedding or us which did hurt my feelings, she also did not behave well at a friends wedding. However, time has passed, things had changed in her life and she seemed to once again be in a happy place- she got excited about the wedding all of a sudden, and repeatedly said how in love we are and how happy she is for us. As a result we asked her to share in the day. In some ways she is very supportive of our wedding, however; what I’m finding difficult at the moment is that each time I try to bring up our wedding (to try to convey basic details, get exctied or get her input); she derails it completely to discuss her own wedding. In minute detail. For hours (literally). Without returning to what I needed to discuss. And if you may remember, at present; she is single and thus, there is no wedding on the horizon.
Should I just let this go and realise that she is maybe feeling a bit sensitive about it all underneath; or is there a point when I can say enough it enough now; it’s my turn right now and I just need some support? I’ve always been there for her and take a back seat most of the time and had just hoped that perhaps she could have let this one thing be just about me and my FI let me enjoy it since it’s meant to be a once in a lifetime experience.
P.S. she has asked details about her hair, makeup etc which has been tailored to her, but not asked about my own dress, details etc etc even though she knows they are already here 😉
Post # 3
@Idealistic_hippy28: she is talking about her own wedding? is she even engaged or with anyone? if she isn’t with anyone don’t let this go, move this talk back to YOUR wedding which is REAL and coming up, not just dreamy imaginings, for somepoint in the future!
Post # 4
@Idealistic_hippy28: Seems like she wants nothing more than a wedding for herself and shes not getting one therefore perpetually talking about it will have to suffice for now.
At this point though I think I would have already pissed her off by telling her to shut up already.
I think what you wrote above is right along the lines of what you should tell her. This is your wedding and you’d love her support and complete attention to your wedding.
Maybe even put it in perspective by saying when you get married would you like for me to non stop talk about my own wedding or to focus on you?
Post # 5
I think it’s pretty likely that she’s still got some issues/insecurities about either her past breakup or (more likely IMO) she’s starting to doubt if she’ll ever get married herself. Maybe it’s a bit of jealousy too? I think you should cut her a little slack, but also make a stronger attempt to steer the conversation back to your wedding. Unfortunately, I’m not sure how I would word things, but maybe you should try to tell her that you’re excited to hear her ideas for her own wedding, you also need to convey the details of your wedding to her. Maybe allow for some “you time” and also some “her time” for wedding stuff when you do talk about weddings? That would be a suitable compromise I think. Maybe helping you plan your wedding is giving her ideas about how she’d like to do her wedding someday and since you’re her friend, she’s telling you all the details and just getting a bit carried away? If you guys are close friends, my guess is that she doesn’t even realise how much she’s de-railing the conversations you’re trying to have. A gentle reminder that you do need to discuss things about your day might be all she needs. 🙂
ETA: I didn’t vote, because you don’t have an option that conveys what I’m thinking. I think you need to gently bring it up so that the convo is more focused on you, but also allow her some time to talk about her potential wedding too.
Post # 6
Clearly she has issues. No normal person would do something like this! I say be there for her for now and assume she really has some hurt going on fromher breakup. Maybe gently mention it to her and ask her about it in an “im worried about you are you okay” way…
Post # 7
I wouldn’t let anyone go on for hours about their hair and makeup, whether they were planning a wedding or not. Honestly, I think I would just put the wedding talk on hold for a while with her.
Post # 8
‘Should I just let this go and realise that she is maybe feeling a bit sensitive about it all underneath’
op i think you got it spot on with this statement.
Post # 9
This is clearly just jealousy on her part and I feel bad that she is feeling that way.. but honestly you are right, it is your day and she should not be bringing her personal issues (jealousy and insecurities) into it as much as she is. It is too much if you have it on your mind while trying to organize so many other things. You need her to be supportive and available to you and although I understand that it may be difficult or hurt her feelings, what you wrote above to say to her is absolutely not unreasonable, I feel that you have put up with enough of it already.
Post # 10
Thank you so much for your opinions and ideas, they are so helpful! I think that she may well be partly in denial and insecure, and partly letting her imagination run since this is all going on at the moment and we are discussing themes etc; but I also am beginning to realise that I could end up resening it if this isn’t calmed down soon. I’ll give it a little more time to see how she behaves and take it from there, but with that support and reassurance I feel so much stronger and more prepared; thank you brides to be!! xoxoxo
Post # 11
This would make me insane. She’s clearly jealous which is making it impossible for her to be happy for you. I dunno how to fix this but I’d def try and tell her that you need her to be there for you.
Post # 12
It sounds like your friend is jealous and prioritizing herself at your expense. There comes a point when she needs to get over the past events and friends need to go from sympathetially allowing her to do as she pleases (in your case disregarding the real wedding) and go to a point of speaking to her about realistic goals. Perhaps gently saying, the wedding is nearing and you’d appreciate her input about your day, so you can finish off some of the planning. If she still persists perhaps addressing that although you’d love to plan her day, right now its crunch time to get yours in order. Hopefully she gets the point sooner than later. Good luck!:)
Post # 13
Oh dear, it sounds like your friend is really quite sad and unable to be happy for you. Surround yourself with the people that give you what you need just now and leave your friend with her fantasy. A confrontation will just drive you farther apart, and upset the both of you, while yielding no consrtuctive result. Not everyone can see their friends joy and sincerely celebrate it with them, if you have a friend that can, focus on them.
Post # 14
My best friend went through a hard time, as well. Her boyfriend actually told her he had been cheating on her the DAY AFTER we got engaged. The beginning of our engagement actually was centered around helping her out of her funk.
Again, this is my best friend in the world. I KNOW that our engagement and wedding was met with mixed-up feelings for her. She was over the moon happy for me, but couldn’t help but be jealous.
At the end of the day she stepped up to everything…the bachelorette, shower, and wedding. Unforunately, she couldn’t be there for me on the day-to-day discussions. My other BMs were my sounding board and that’s OK. She just couldn’t talk about it day in and day out…it was hard but I had to understand. ‘
Honestly, we’re no worse for the wear. It was tough at first, but as they say around here, “you get one day” and she was there for me for more than that, but not quite what I would have expected. I blame the douchy ex, not her.
Just give her space, go to her on the most important and just be to-the-point and don’t leave it up for discussion.
Post # 15
@Mars62312: I agree with this. I don’t think you can have these talks with her because she wants to focus on anything but the reality of your wedding.
Post # 16
As a girl who is waiting and who was also a Maid/Matron of Honor July 14th, I can’t help but relate a tiny bit to your friend. Of course her discussing details ad nauseum is ridiculous. But I know for me I’ve found it sooo hard because I was helping my friend and researching/discussing/planning her wedding and you can’t HELP but imagine the things you will do when it is your turn. She probably doesn’t realize she is doing it and if you say “focus on me, I’m actually having a wedding” it might come across as insensitive/bridezilla-y. In my sitch, my friend was eager to know what I’d do because I’m suuuuch a planner and she isn’t. So we probably talked about my ideas more than we should’ve. Maybe approach it by giving her specific tasks/timelines if you need help. Or as others have suggested, maybe use your other BMs as a sounding board. I don’t think it means she isn’t happy for you! Just another perspective : )
What a novel!