(Closed) Is my emotional baggage justified or do I just need to let it go? (long)

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@mojitolady:  There is a lot to unpack in all that you have written, but I will start with the answer to your overarching question — yes, you do need to let go of the past to move forward with your future.

I should state up front that, because of my faith, beliefs, and values, I am not at all in favor of couples living together or having sexually intimate relationships outside of marriage.  Although I know my views are not those of the vast majority of bees, I believe that there is always a risk of a relationship not leading to marriage for any number of reasons. I’m not sure of the current statistics on this, but, at one point, half of all engagements did not end in marriage. I am included in that statistic, as I broke an engagement once, many years before meeting and marrying my Darling Husband.

As for the oft-quoted, much-loathed bovine analogy, I have posted more than  6,200 comments on Weddingbee, and I personally have never written this.  However, because you did, and then were quick to dismiss it, I just want to say that, there are some  men for whom that is true.

Only you are able to choose what you desire out of a relationship, and only you are able to evaluate the man with whom you are currently living.  I do not think you should judge the intentions of your current SO based on the actions of your prior one.  However, neither should you discount the valuable lessons you have already learned.

Post # 4
66 posts
Worker bee

Hi there, firstly I just want to say that I’m sorry you went all that. It’s easy enough to say “let go of the past” when I’m not the one who lived it. But what I would like to say is that what happened with your ex, that wasnt your fault. Nothing you did made him string you on, or made him change his mind about marrying you. Your ex did that to you because he was weak and selfish.

Please see that you did not break or sabotage anything by letting yourself love someone you trusted. Forgive yourself for seeing the best in someone, and not the worst. Trust that loving someone does not make you a fool.

Don’t regret what happened, that experience may have hurt unbearably, but it helped you grow into the person you are now, the person your SO loves and respects. Letting go of your past doesnt mean forgetting or even forgiving. It means accepting that what happened is a part of you, and has helped shape who you are today… someone pretty darn amazing.

Good luck!

Post # 5
917 posts
Busy bee

@mojitolady:  I went through something very similar with my ex, but we were together for four years, not six. He used the EXACT same line too, but would still say things like “when we’re married” or “when we have kids” giving me false hope.


I’ve spoken with my SO about what happened with my ex and after a few months I realised I was punishing him for someone else’s arsehole qualities. If your SO hasn’t given you reason not to trust and believe this is what he truly wants, then believe in him and your relationship. x

Post # 7
2131 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

It sounds to me that you have kind of let go of the past, because you actually moved in with another boyfriend. He gave you a timeline, before May Yaay! Now relax, continue to enjoy your time with him and know you have an engagement coming soon πŸ™‚

Post # 8
527 posts
Busy bee

@mojitolady:  I don’t think you had bad judgement before, necessarily.  Your ex lied to you.  He made it seem like he was a good guy, but he was lying to you.  That’s not your fault.  πŸ™‚  So don’t worry about having bad judgement now!

Post # 9
443 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s understandable that you question your own judgement. Don’t be so hard on yourself though; your ex lied to you repeatedly and made you believe that your relationship had a future. That’s not your fault, it’s to do with his own issues.


It sounds like your SO is serious about proposing, so I’d say let go of your past and let your future begin πŸ™‚

I also don’t think there is much truth in the “why buy the cow…” mentality, but perhaps this is one of the big cultural differences between the UK and US? Here it’s pretty universal for couples to live together before marriage (FI and I did, and I would really recommend it), and almost every couple I know ended up getting married after living together first. If a man loves you and wants to marry you, he will ask regardless of whether you are already living together, if that makes sense?

Post # 13
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mojitolady:  I also hate the cow analogy for a number of reasons, the main one being that I am more than just a walking sex object.. and if anyone is marrying me for the “milk” I have a much larger problem on my hands. Probably my judgment! But, I digress.. πŸ™‚




I agree with PPs that you do need to let it go. Having said that, it’s not like you can just snap your fingers and do that. Nothing at all will replace time. Give yourself the permission to be anxious and know that as each day passes, the anxiety you feel will wain. Everytime you have a nervous thought, take a step back and ask yourself what the justification is for it. Has your bf shown you that he wants to back out? Has he said anything to you that would make you feel that he’s less than committed? If the answer to these questions is no, then understand this is coming from your own baggage, acknowledge its presence, but don’t let it have any bearing on your relationship. In time, it will fade away.






Post # 14
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@mojitolady: yes, let the past go.  i think that the break up was such a shocker for you that you did not have the proper closure.  there was no acceptance.  in your mind, your ex did not give you adequate reasoning for not wanting to marry you.  mentally and emotionally you are still wondering why.

deep down inside you know that he was really not the one for you so imagine your life if you had married him.  you would be unhappy and miserable and after a few more years together, you would have regret which eventually develops into resentment.  chances are the two of you would not have lasted.  look at all of the years of unhappiness you just saved yourself.

if he hadn’t broken up with you, you probably would have left him eventually (married or not).

i was in a similar situation with my ex but we were together for 8 years.  i was the one who finally realized that we were wasting each other’s time.  good thing too, i ended up meeting my dh by chance just shortly afterwards.

btw, your current bf sounds like a sweetheart.  he’s a keeper.

Post # 16
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@mojitolady:  first of all, welcome to the Bee πŸ™‚ we are happy to have you, and it’s great to hear you’re in such a positive relationship now!


“I don’t want to marry you and I’m never going to want to marry you. Given that I know that you want to ultimately marry and have a family of your own, I figured I should tell you.”

^^^Unfortunately, this is not all that uncommon: my Boyfriend or Best Friend is guilty of it twice that I know of (God forbid I’m the 3rd πŸ™‚  He was with one girl for about 5 years, knowing full-well he wanted kids and a family and he didnt, but he’s such a quiet, timid dude he let it drag on and on because he was too scared/complacement to tell her how he felt.  The girl he dated after her for only a few months got the same line alot quicker, as he learned with the first one it’s not right to lead people on and chalk it up to your being a wimp.


I’d imagine both of those gals (the first one especially) have a hard time dealing with being broken up with.  It’s never easy, and they (or YOU) are not strange for holding onto that baggage.


You’ve already done the hard part: found a great guy who loves you and is understanding of where you are and is willing to meet you at that place.  I think as the relationship progresses, you naturally will ‘get over’ alot of those feelings. It sounds like you’re doing it already πŸ™‚

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