(Closed) Is my FI being used by our friends or am I over reacting?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

My SO is the same way, so I can understand somewhat. I love that he’s so generous, but I do fear him getting taken advantage of because he definitely has in the past and he’s such a people pleaser that he lets it happen.

What you need to realize is that some people are just givers by nature. My mom is like that – she barely has anything to her name, but will still go out of her way to pay people’s dinners or buy little gifts for people. When it’s in a person’s nature to be generous, that’s what makes them happiest. So sometimes you just need to let it go and let him do his thing – it clearly makes him happy.

However, it’s become a problem because your friends expect it. That’s where the line between generousity and using blurs. You definitely need to bring this up with him, and I suggest using the “our money” angle. Perhaps make a rule that any extra spending on friends out at bars or restaurants should be discussed between the two of you – OR have a rule on how many rounds/how frequently dinner can be purchased by him.

As far as group tailgates and get togethers go, SO with you on that. Nothing more annoying than doing everything for a group of people. So next time you are all planning a tailgate, send a message out that says “FI and I are bringing chips and a case of x beer — what is everyone else bringing?”

That way you’ve established that this is a combined effort and you’ve already explicitly stated what the two of you are bringing so you won’t be roped into supplying an entire group’s worth of food and drink.

Post # 4
Member
2604 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@candy08:  If your money isn’t combined and its his money he’s spending, then I don’t think you can really dictate what he does with it.

If, however, your finances are combined and/or you’re worried that your Fiance is being taken advantage of, then I think its fine to speak up.  This would bug me too.

Your Fiance gets something out of this.  I mean, maybe he’s just very generous and that’s all there is to it but, I tend to think there’s more to it than that.  Does he enjoy showing off his success?  Does he feel guilty that he may be doing better financially than his friends?  Has he picked up the tab so often its become the norm and he feels awkward changing things?

Either way, its just shabby behavior for “friends” to continue to let him pick up the tab.  Are they doing anything to reciprocate?

If you invite people to a tailgate, I can see where your Fiance feels like you, as the hosts, need to pay for all the food but its also perfectly acceptable to make it a cooperative event – as in hey, would you all like to tailgate before such and such event?  If everyone brings a side dish, we’ll provide the hamburgers and hotdogs…whatever is fine. 

My thoughts are he didn’t give birth to any of these people and its not his job or responsibility to pay for them.  Maybe you can ask him IF he wants to change this behavior and help him come up with a plan to do so. 

Post # 5
Member
7651 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think what your Fiance is doing is wodnerful and great, but the problem is your friends are relying on him to always pick up the check. I’d love to see the look on their faces if one day he just pays for you two, and no one else. That may turn them off pretty quickly.

I think maybe you and Fiance need to have a talk about finances and maybe set a limit to how much you can spend when you go out.

Post # 6
Member
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think you should be very careful if you confront him.  If you have separate bank accounts, i definitely would not say “our money.”  Something about it just comes off wrong to me.  It sounds like, “I’m upset your spending my money.”

I had a friend who used to pay for everyone, and I think he loved to show off.   i agree with the above poster that there is more to it. 

Post # 7
Member
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

If the generosity is something he has a hard time controlling, try asking him to only take a set amount of cash (no cards!) when he goes to the bars – that way he isn’t plunking his card down and telling everybody to put their drinks on his tab.  Once he runs out of cash, that’s it!  I’d be interested to see how many friends get bent out of shape when they realize their free ride is over.

 

Regarding the tailgates – my Fiance and I go camping a lot with our friends, and we have two ways of handling the food.  Either one couple buys it all and then tells everybody else how much they should chip in, or each couple calls “dibs” on a meal or food item. We use Facebook to coordinate everything.  That way, we know approximately how many people are coming (which will help you if you buy all the food) and what they’re bringing (so you can say “oh, so-and-so hasn’t signed up for anything – hey, so-and-so!  please bring chips and salsa!”).  And we are NOT shy about hounding people to pay us back, just like we don’t mind if a friend reminds us that we owe them $20.  Again, it’ll be interesting to see if the group dynamic changes once people realize they’ve got responsibilities now.

Post # 8
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Yep my husband is the same, although is a lot better now, and our friends are great at paying for their share, but he does get carried away and previously we were on a night out with 2 friends of mine, and my husband asked if they would like a drink (about the 4th drink in a row he’d bought) one of the girls said she was ok, and my supposed best friend turned round to her and said “take it, it’s a free drink, don’t say no, you’re not having to pay after all so just have one!” she didn’t know I heard, I told my husband and he let them buy their own drinks for the remainder of the night…

really wound me up, it’s not like it was some random guy

 

You’ll struggle to change him, but as long as you make him aware that he is being taken advantage of then he can’t accuse you later on of not trying to stop him… also gentle reminder can sometimes work before he gets the card out and pays, or at meals swipe the bill first and work out everyones share

Post # 9
Member
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@applecore:  I am always amazed by what moochers people can be!

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