(Closed) Why is FI acting like this…

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

What kind of advice were you hoping for? This is a very negative picture of someone who is supposed to love and care about you, not control who you smile at and talk with on facebook. I think people are concerned because from an outsider perspective this is pretty textbook emotional abuse. And honestly, cheating would explain why he’s all of a sudden so paranoid and possessive. Secure happy people don’t do that to the person they are supposed to love.

Post # 47
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@chesseplease: “he says he trusts me but not everyone else and that scares him.”

This is B.S. It takes two to cheat, so unless he’s worried that you’re going to get raped, he doesn’t actually trust you. This B.S. line is just a way to allow him to behave badly and be jealous without you getting as upset as you should. 

I actually do trust my Fiance. If some girl hit on him, I trust that he would put a stop to it. That is what trust is. 

Post # 48
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@chesseplease: This is a huge red flag and frankly, based on what you’ve described, I would advise you to run far away from this relationship. I’m sorry that you’ve experienced this massive shift in his personality, but thank god he is showing you this side of himself before you are married and not after. This is not a healthy relationship.

Also, when you are discussing this with him, you should not be focusing on whether or not the men with whom you are interacting “mean” anything to you. That is absolutely not the issue, and by framing things that way, you are implicitly validating his outrageous behavior (because the subtext of what you’re saying is “it’s ok for you to feel like you have the right to control who my facebook friends are and who I smile at, but in this particular instance, you have nothing to worry about”). Frankly, you should be focusing on how completely out of line he is in the first place for thinking he has the right to control who you friend on facebook (seriously?) and who you smile at when you are out in public (again: seriously?!!!?).

Post # 49
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@UpstateCait: Well said!

Post # 50
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Honestly, all of the topics you have started here on WB have been about how your fiance is being an asshole to you. I would leave. End of story. Hes not worth your time..and honestly, you could use some time to yourself to grow up a bit.

Post # 51
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@chesseplease: your making excuses for his behavior is a really bad (and potentially harmful) habit.  I know we’re all strangers and don’t know the details of your relationship, but just knowing the extent of his jealousy alone is enough to conclude that you’re heading down a slippery slope.

Post # 52
Member
4884 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Seems to me like there’s a lot more going on behind the scenes in this relationship, on both sides.  Good luck to you, OP.

Post # 54
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

Yeah, your other threads definitely show a trend. You both need to get help to work this out. It sounds like right now he has control and trust issues, you both have communication problems, and do not know how to ‘fight well’ i.e. go straight to yelling and name-calling.

Post # 55
Member
4800 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

So your Fiance won’t let you add guys on facebook or be polite to people in public if they’re males, when you fight he calls you names and says mean things, you ignore him when you’re mad, he is a jerk lately, gets mad when you’re out late, always has an attitude, he has cheated on you, he only makes time to see you once or twice a week, he breaks promises…

Yeah, I’m bringing up old posts here but I think wedding plans needs to be held off on until you two have a more stable and happy relationship. Have you considered pre-marital counseling? I’m also curious on how old you two are…I don’t mean that offensively, I’m a youngish bride myself at 23, but you discuss your arguments alot and there seems to be, well, quite a bit of immaturity going on. And I really think you two could use some professional help to work through that.

Post # 57
Member
2582 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Hun,  I understand that kind of “feedback” is hard to hear,  but you can’t honestly expect to post things about your fiance that are screaming red flags and have us all respond with “ohhh yeah, thats tots normal!!! Don’t worry about it!”

Whether you choose to listen to the advice you were given here or not is your issue – but I just want to reiterate, the behavior you described (not the words you used) are not at all normal or healthy.  People in healthy relationships don’t do those things to each other – and thats a fact, not an opinion.

I wish you the best and have my fingers crossed that you are seeking professional help.

Post # 58
Member
775 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Your engaged and he’s acting jealous? Seriously? He should have been over that phase awhile ago. He should trust you completely if he was willing to take it to the next step. My Fiance has never been the jealous type and I used to be, but we’re getting married…what is there to be jealous about. I know what I mean to him obviously 

Post # 59
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

You are right, you should NOT have to defend your relationship to us, however, if what we are saying is making you defensive, and is making you feel the need to justify your relationship to us… people who do not know you , but olny can comment on what YOU have told us… mabey, just mabey there is something elce going on… that you are making excuses or refusing to see. Most Bees on here have said that they would not tolerate that behavior, and that is what you asked for… No it is not normal behavior, I think some bees on here have had ex boyfriends  that have done the same things that you have posted about ( myself included) and that is why they are EXES.

Get help, go get counceling, and realize that this is a board of very supportive individuals that olny call em as they see them. 

good luck.

( sorry if that is harsh, but this is MHO)

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