(Closed) Why is FI acting like this…

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

No one here ever said they had the perfect relationship…
we just told you things WE would not tolorate from our mates.

Post # 62
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@chesseplease: No need to be so defensive. You are correct you are being real. But you are getting very real responses on here.

You shouldn’t be treated like a child by the man you love. That is never ok, regardless of the “good” things he does.

 

Post # 63
Member
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

What were you expecting when you made this post? Your Fiance is behaving in a manner that is approaching abusive. Your willingness to brush it off and say “nobody has a perfect relationship” is alarming. No relationship is perfect, but nobody deserves abuse. I hope you at least seek counseling. This will not just go away.

Post # 64
Member
2582 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@chesseplease:

I don’t think anyone here has said they have a perfect relationship.  But there is a pretty HUGE difference between the fights and miscommunications and bad times that most relationships go through – and the abnormal, manipulative, controlling behavior you have described here.

I had a few serious boyfriends before I met my fiance. The only one who ever displayed any of those traits (like not letting me have guy friends) is also the only one who ever lay a hand on me. There are certain red flags or warning signs that are called red flags for a reason.

No one is trying to attack you here and I’d be the first to bitch them out if they did. You asked for advice and you received it.  My fiance has NEVER, in over 4 years together, called me a name or tried to tell me who I can and cannot smile at.  You deserve that too. I hope you know that.

Post # 65
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’ll agree with what other Bee’s are saying. He’s telling you who you can have on your FB and telling you how to interact with someone. I’m getting the feeling he’s not saying these things in a loving concerned way but in a controling way. Otherwise you wouldn’t be seeking advise.

You are being very defensive especially when you’re asking why he’s acting this way. He’s the only one who knows this. Have you asked him? I too have viewed some of your previous posts. The picture you paint of your fiance and your relationship isn’t the most flattering. I believe you’ve shared with us things that have concerned you and this is another one. Please listen to what these ladies are trying to tell you (myself included).

Let me ask you… If you had a daughter and she has been telling you the same things you’ve been telling us about your situation, what would you tell her? Listen to what your advise for her would be,

Post # 66
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@cheeseplease:  im sorry you are going through this.  it made me think of an older couple i know where the husband installed a device on the computer to be able to read everything that was going on because of the wife reconnecting with high school friends – including men – on facebook.  healthy relationship?  more like awkward! if someone was going to cheat on me then i wouldn’t want to be with them anyway.  i don’t think i would try to spy on them secretly on the computer i would probably confront them.  facebook in general is a negative in my opinion, connecting with people in reality is much better.

recently i went out to meet a female friend at a bar but she got lost and i was there waiting for her for a bit alone, which i will admit i haven’t frequented bars solo in quite a while.  a guy and i started talking and he bought me a drink.  i was very upfront about being engaged and my ring was plain to see.  sure i can still go out and have a good time, and all it was and was ever going to be was a nice conversation but i did feel a little guilty.  when i got home i told my fiance a guy bought me a drink and he wasn’t angry with me at all.  we trust each other.  i have dated guys in the past who act like you have described in this post and it was always because something wasn’t right with them, not me, not us.  however while i was dating them i was in a lot of denial about certain realities with each guy.  in the end, it is the time i wasted with them that i most regret.  that was just my experience.  i understand you may just come here to vent, and we are seeing only one side to you.  i hope you can figure things out and make the best decision for yourself.  i didn’t read your other posts or know anything else about you.  i did meet a lot of frogs til i found my prince…

Post # 67
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Reading through this thread, I can see it is pointless to get through to you. I sincerely hope you guys work things out – and that can probably only happen by separating.

Post # 68
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Here’s how it works……. Friends made before the relationship or even the marriage, the SO has to STFU about Unless there was intimacy bettween the SO and the friend. Doesn’t matter the gender. Friends made after the marriage may be up for discussion,but spouse still does Not control who friends are. His complete 180 is pretty [email protected] scary. The fact that he feels He has a Right to control You is a HUGE Red Flag. Period. Take a break. That BOY needs a talkin to.

Post # 69
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would also very much like to point out that while you say he has security issues, but never acted this way before the engagement. Shouldn’t he have felt more secure in your relationship once you agreed to marry himand spend the rest of your life with him? Why would he suddenly start acting so controlling and insecure? Think on it.

Post # 70
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’ve been where you are now, and I commend you on even being brave enough to post this message in the first place.

In my experience..The guy always starts out nice. He trusts you, but not anyone else. He wants you to stop talking to certain friends, so you do in order to avoid rocking the boat. He gets the idea that you’ll do whatever he says, and so he pushes it even more – seeing how much you’ll let him control you. Your family and friends don’t like him, and don’t ever see the good side that he shows only you when you two are alone.

It didn’t end well for me..in fact, he wasted 3 years of my time. Around the time when we broke up was around the time he had just begun looking at e-rings. I can’t even tell you how glad I am that huge mistake didn’t happen.

I promise we’re not trying to gang up on you. It’s just like another bee said, a lot of us have been there and if one good thing can come out of the experience – it’s helping someone else avoid what it took us years to realize.

Best of luck to you. I’m always here if you need to PM me as well.

((hugs))

Post # 71
Member
3521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Her response is actually pretty typical of someone who is being abused–the need to defend the partner and rationalize the situation, as well as the anger and distress at being told something is amiss are all common reactions. Unfortunately, there’s nothing more any of us can do–she has to want to change things, and no amount of feedback from us can force that to happen before she’s ready to face the truth.

Post # 72
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

It seems that no matter what anyone says here, you seem like you’re not going to give up the belief that your relationship is salvagable. Which I kindof understand – you love him and you’ve been with him since you were a teenager. So being that that’s the case, my advice to you would be:

– Get some space from each other. If you live together, move out. If you don’t live together, start spending less time together.
– Spend more time with your friends and with your hobbies and activities. Cultivate a life outside of your relationship (I think this is good advice for ANYONE in a relationship)
– Couples counseling.
– Put a hold on wedding planning for now.

Good luck. You don’t have to put up with the way he’s treating you.

Post # 73
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

MY red flag to

View original reply
@chesseplease:‘s red flag is….once she started hearing what she didn’t want to hear (i.e. you need to run away from this relationship, etc.) she was on the automatic defense. So, this should tell all bees that she is not at the point where she will walk away. Making excuses for your abusers behavior is a sign that they have completely manipulated their abusee.

Unfortunately, our words will probably not be able to sway her thinking…

Post # 74
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Wow..this reminded me of my coworker and his ex. I’m not saying this is what’s going on, but the sudden change in behavior is one to be concerned about.  My coworker was together with this woman for 15 years (living together for most of those years).  The last year they were together, she became super jealous and was always “checking up” on him.  If he didn’t get home before her, she would call the office, his cell and wonder who he’s with.  She got mad at him for having lunch out with us (his coworkers…some of us female)..the kicker is she was cheating on him with a mutal friends of theirs!!! He accidently came upon their email exchanged and found out about the affair…but he was almost sure she became paranoid about him cheating because she was cheating on him!

Regardless, I think it’s crazy for him to tell you who you can and can’t talk to..he’s essentially doesn’t want you to have any support of friends..it sounds like if someone isn’t family, you aren’t allowed to talk to them..that’s just a huge red flag.

Post # 75
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I have been in an abusive relationship (emotionally) and it is not easy to come to to terms with what is going on…especially because you love this person and they love you, so how could they hurt you, manipulate you, control you?  I see some definite red flags in how he is acting (not letting you have male friends on your facebook?) and in how you are acting (defending the relationship).  However, until you see the red flags, there will be no resolution.

I always knew I was a strong person and believed that I could NEVER be in an abusive relationship.  I was wrong.  But, I read online, I researched, I googled, and I slowly realized that how I was being treated and how I was feeling was NOT normal.  I became empowered and I was able to leave – even through all the guilt that he put on me.

I wish you the best and I hope you guys get it all worked out.

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