(Closed) Is my friend a homewrecker?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
7777 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I would tell Bill to stay the hell out of it. Their marriage is none of their business and all he is doing is hurting a friendship (and his own marriage) rather than helping.

Post # 4
610 posts
Busy bee

I think that Bill needs to distance himself from the whole mess. When you said Bill was no longer her sponsor I thought “Good, that is a very mature and proper approach to the situation.” But then when you said that Samantha is confiding in Bill I thought “Wait, why the hell is he still making himself available to her like this?”

Post # 5
4693 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@zippylef: + 1  I think you hit the nail on the head.

Post # 6
5147 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with the others: Bill needs to stay out of it.

And Samantha needs to be talking to her HUSBAND, not to Bill.

Post # 7
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011


OP, I couldn’t tell until the very end of your post whether you were looking to see if Bill or Samantha was a homewrecker.

My opinion is Samantha is being a bit of a “homewrecker” herself. Sounds to me like she’s making a play for Bill.

Bill needs to stay away from Samantha, not because of her marraige, but for the sake of his own marriage, which should be paramount to him.

Post # 8
1096 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

If she’s as emotionally attached as you say she is, and is obviously going through a very trying time she is going to say whatever she needs to say to manipulate Bill into “rescuing” her. Bill is doing more harm than good by letting her confide into him and encouraging her to leave her husband. The more he encourages her to leave her husband the more likely she is to believe that Bill is getting feelings for her and the more likely she is to mess up Bill’s marriage. She needs help outside of AA, if her husband truly is horrible to her only a professional counselor trained to deal with those types of things will be able to help her through her situation. I hope Bill or her husband or Samantha herself can get her help and hopefully Bill will be able to realize he needs to step out of the picture while she heals herself.

Post # 9
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Bill sounds like a really nice guy. And Samantha sounds like a screwed up woman with a lot of problems. I think it’s only natural that he’d want to help her and be supportive as she goes through something that he’s been through (dealing with her addiction). I don’t think calling Bill a homewrecker is helpful, it sounds like he’s got Samantha’s best interests at heart, and he’s not trying it on with her.

But I don’t think he’s helping her either.

She’s already formed an inappropriate attachment to him while he was her sponsor.  I think she probably does need someone to talk to about her marriage and her problems, but I think she needs to find a counselor or therapist that has experience dealing with addicts and understands how the recovery process will affect her relationships. Preferably a woman therapist.

Post # 10
2025 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Agree with all the PP’s! I doubt that part of a healthy sponsorship is crushing on your sponsor. Bill needs to remove himself completely from the situation for his own marriage. Samantha should be assigned another sponsor and should work on her marriage and herself. 

Post # 11
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Oakland Manor

ditto, Bill needs to get out of Samantha and Tom’s life. Bill is probably trying to be helpful, but it’s a really bad idea for him to stay involved like this. 🙁 I don’t get the impression that Bill is a homewrecker, but that he wants to help, doesn’t know what to do, and is trying to be supportive even though Samantha is taking that the wrong way.

Post # 12
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Why did she have a male sponsor in the first place?  She needs a new FEMALE sponsor immediately and needs to go to as many meetings as she can for the next month.  Bill~ oh, I am so angry right now~ absolutely must remove himself completely for the sake of her RECOVERY!!!  Emotional attachment is just another form of addiction for her right now, and her fixation on Bill is a replacement for her drug of choice. 

It also sounds like she and/or her husband need additional marriage counseling to make this decision calmly and rationally.  If the cost of counseling is keeping her from going, there are sliding scale fee and free therapists, check your local MMHR. 

Life feels like it’s getting worse when you first try to kick a habit… she needs some solid guidance….

Post # 13
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Agree with the others.  I think Bill’s heart is in the right place, but he needs to butt out of Samantha’s marital problems and distance himself from her.  It’s bothering his own wife, and her feelings come first.

Post # 14
13096 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I don’t think Bill is a homewrecker at all.  He is just trying to help a friend.

That said, I agree with the PPs that he should distance himself from the situation because he may be doing more harm than good.

Post # 15
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

As far as I know, in AA it is strongly advised that sponsors are same sex, to avoid this situation (not to exclude GLBT, but the reverse would apply in that scenario). 

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