- 8 years ago
You know, I thought about posting this anonymously but since I’m new here anyway and a pretty honest/straightforward person as it is, I figure no harm done. Even if my boyfriend sees it I’m fine with that because he knows how I feel already. I just need some takes on this from you ladies!
My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. We were friends in high school. I love him completely and I can’t imagine being without him or being with anyone besides him. He is such a crucial part of my life at this point.
From almost the very beginning of our relationship, we’ve had small problems crop up. One month in, he called me while he was on vacation and said he met a girl who he almost kissed and feels an “emotional connection” with. We ended up breaking up for a while over that, but he convinced me I overreacted about it since nothing actually happened and that it would never happen again. But while it was going on, he did say some very hurtful things, like that if she didn’t live long distance from him, he’d have a hard time trying to decide between her or me. However, he told me all of this on his own without being compelled by me or anyone. I could tell he felt bad. I reacted very strongly.
Just a couple of months later, my boyfriend starting hounding me to do nasty things with him and another female. I don’t want to say the word because I’m really emotional about that whole situation, but I’m sure you all get what I’m saying. He had no specific woman in mind he said, he just liked the idea. He did however express his interest in some of my best girl friends, which hurt me more than I can ever tell you. Even though he knew how badly I was hurt by his fantasies, he kept it up. I don’t think he wanted to think about those things, but I wish he hadn’t told me about them.
The next summer, he went on vacation twice and met two girls in the separate places that have been in and out of our lives since then. He swears he is just friends with them both, and I have no reason to believe he has been physical with them, but I am suspicious sometimes due to the incident the first summer we dated. I hate being the jealous, accusatory, and suspicious girlfriend but it’s like he’s left me no choice.
For the past year, I have been at college in a different state. Though it wasn’t easy, we stayed together and stayed very close. I often had a pervasive feeling that something was amiss, but chalked it up to being separated physically. However, when I moved back home for this summer, the feeling did not go away. He was acting normal, our intimate life was good, but I couldn’t shake the feeling. I did a very wrong thing- after reading that multiple e-mail addresses can be the sign of a secret cheater, I tried to access one of my boyfriend’s old e-mail accounts. It turned out that his password was the same as a different account of his that we both use. Though I found no conversations with other women or photographs sent directly to him, I found hundreds, maybe even thousands, of e-mails for hookup websites he was a member of. I checked all the sites thoroughly- he had no conversations with any women on the site. But he did portray himself as a single guy looking for sex on them. He had first started signing up for the sites shortly before I left for my new school.
I was so crushed. I confronted him immediately and he cried and begged me not to leave. He swears he doesn’t know why he did it. After about a month of drama, I finally went back under the understanding that I can’t trust him and he needs to regain my trust for this to work. I love this guy, but I don’t know what his deal is.
Yesterday, I checked his text messages on his phone. He gave me permission to do with this without asking him after our blow up over the websites so I can “see he isn’t up to anything.” I knew that one of his friends from the second summer texts him frequently, but I am not worried about her since she has not, to my knowledge, made a pass at him. But the second girl from that summer often tried to send him photos of her in her bathing suit, fancy evening gowns, etc. I told him a year ago that extensive contact with her is forbidden and he agreed. On the phone, I found casual messages between him and the first girl that are a month old. Didn’t bother me. However, I was surprised to find messages between him and the second girl (we’ll call her K) with her initiating it and asking him if he was going back to the vacation spot this summer. He told her no, and she never replied. He texted her twice more trying to ask things like “what’s up?” and “how have you been?” which showed me he is still interested in talking to her about personal life things.
When I asked him at dinner that night if he has texted those girls, he said no. A few minutes later, after supposedly playing a game on his phone, he handed it to me and said “see?” I looked at the messages for the second time that day- he had deleted the messages from both girls. That’s what bothered me the most. Why is he trying to cover it up? I told him that I knew he had deleted some, so who were they from? First, he swore that he hadn’t deleted any. Then, he admitted he had deleted the ones from the girl I don’t feel threatened by, but NO MORE than those. Finally, after about forty-five minutes of pressing him for information, he broke down and said he deleted the messages from the girl I don’t like or trust.
When I asked him why, he said he’s afraid to be honest with me about girls he talks to because I’ve overreacted in the past. What is going on here? I hate being That Girl who doesn’t trust her b/f with anything but I am really confused about what to do with all this. I love him and I don’t want to break up. We’re supposed to get engaged around Christmas.