(Closed) Is my husband an alcoholic?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
1377 posts
Bumble bee

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lisacakes001:  If he was buying alcohol after you went home and was drinking in secret that seems problematic to me. People who have a heathly relationship with alchohol don’t often verbablize their desire to quit. My fiance has 1 or two drinks a night, thats a relaxation ritual for him, but he’s not getting drunk. He could be abusing alcohol in unhealthy ways, but not necessarily be addicted to it. 

All you can do is support him. Here is the quiz on the AA site that might help him clarify his issue. 

http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/is-aa-for-you-twelve-questions-only-you-can-answer

Good Luck. Hopefully you can take care of it before baby comes.

 

Post # 32
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403 posts
Helper bee

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lisacakes001:  Barring the fact that he might have a dependency, drinking that much that often is just an unhealthy choice for his body period. 

Post # 33
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3067 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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lisacakes001:  Your in a tough spot, I am not sure. I think the fact that you are having a kiddo soon makes it a little more urgent (and rightly so!) that he gets this under control. He did wind up acknowleding that he messed up so IDK if it was really bad, I wasnt there to see your reaction :-/

 

Post # 34
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2256 posts
Buzzing bee

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lisacakes001:  Ok, sister of an alcoholic here. Here’s what I’ve learned about alcoholics:

It doesn’t matter how “stressful” or “not stressful” your life is. Anyone can become an alcoholic, no matter how good you think you have it in life. Often it does serve as some sort of escape, and that is where it starts.

I do think drinking every day sounds like a problem. 2-3 is a bit excessive for every day. I’ve heard of women who come home and have a glass of wine every day, and even that sounds excessive to me, but I don’t like drinking so I can’t judge. All I can say is, if you need a drink at the end of the day to unwind, maybe you should reconsider your habit.

If your husband just wants some kind of chemical effect, maybe he’s not getting it elsewhere in life. Does he run? Work out? Do anything that might give off endorphins? I’m not saying it’s a cure, but it may alleviate some of his drive to have a drink because it just feels good.

I would be concerned about his health based on the amount he drinks. Liver function can be affected by drinking that much each day. And with you two expecting a baby, he better shape up. Would you feel comfortable having him hold his newborn child with beer or whisky on his breath? Would you feel comfortable with him caring for the baby while he’s buzzed? I certainly wouldn’t.

Social drinking is fine, but you need to know this– alcoholics cannot just be social drinkers. It sounds to me like your husband is an alcoholic, because he reneged on his statement that he wanted to drink less, and is falling into his habits again.

I think an intervention or a serious talk is in order. It’s not just about you anymore. It’s about your child.

Post # 35
Member
5145 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

You stated that it does not impact his day to day life but alchohol is CLEARLY impacting his day to day life if it is adding stress to the relationship, he is hiding alchohol consumption, if he is making excuses to drink, is spending his evenings home drinking (because he most CERTAINLY should not be out driving about) and so on. How much of his life is consumed by thinking about alcohol, about when he can drink, about going out to get a drink, and so on? People can hold jobs and do just fine and still be an alcoholic, there is such a think as being a functional alcoholic. I have alcoholics in my paternal family, even my paternal grandmother is an alcoholic. But, she would be considered “functional” to most but the effects of alcohol in her life, on her health after such long term drinking, is very apparent.

I am going to say, yes he is an alcoholic. He drinks a LOT in my opinion, way beyond social drinking as well as a lot on his own, but it is not even just about amounts, it is about the “need” he has for it.

You can’t fix him, but what you can do is get to Al-Anon or see your own independent therapist with experience in addictions.

Like another poster said, you are having a baby soon. What happens if you are unable to care for that baby (tired, sick, whatever). Are you really going to trust him if he is “buzzed” or “silly drunk” to take care of an infant? I hope the answer to that is no. How are you and your baby going to rely on him if you both need a ride to the emergency room, or something?

Post # 36
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I think he is definitely an alcoholic. By defitinition, an alcoholic is someone who drinks everyday or binge drinks in order to get drunk. I think he suffers a bit from both, and since it runs in the family, addiction is something that is passed on. I know alcoholism runs in my family and my brother is an alcoholic who drinks heavily until he passes out on every occassion, especially in social situations. I think if he has a problem with alcohol, he needs to go to AA and get help and realize that he can no longer drink at all anymore. When limiting yourself to drinking with meals out or in social settings, it becomes an “excuse” to drink like everyone else, so the amount he drinks becomes unnoticed. Also, what worries me is that you have a baby coming and also since he drinks mostly every night as you say, how well do you know how is like when he doesn’t have any alcohol in his system. I think he needs help and quick before this baby comes. Maybe remind him of his parents problems and your problem with him drinking and that for your babies’ sake, he needs to be sober and responsible so you are willing to support him while he seeks help. Once you have an addiction to alcohol, there is no drinking in moderation, it has to be not at all. 

Post # 37
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

My husband got sober 2.5 years ago. Reading your post was like a flashback for me when he was still drinking and I was worried about it and “policing” his drinking and fighting about it all the time (codependency much? Very, very common with alcholics and their families). Please go to Al Anon – it will help you realize there are others who deal with the same issues.

Arguing about it won’t help. Rationalizing with him won’t help. His friends “suggestions” won’t help. He needs to want to stop drinking for himself, and by extension for his family. Unfortunately you cannot make him quit. I’m so sorry you are going through this; I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. 

Post # 38
Member
8281 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

To me he sounds like he has a problem. It sounds like he wants help but is struggling.

Post # 39
Member
1546 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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lisacakes001:  He sounds like a functioning alcoholic.

My DH and I like to have beverages and sometimes I do have a glass of wine or mixed drink after work, after I put the kids down to bed. But there are often evenings when I’m longing for that glass of wine and then when the time comes that I finally get a chance to sit & relax, the desire is gone. I probably have a drink 3-4 times a week, some weeks less, never really more. I’m not getting buzzed or drunk. My DH will have a whiskey type drink sometimes, no more than one and it’s mixed, so a bottle of whiskey for him lasts 3-4 months.

It worries me that your DH drinks and it’s so planned. For instance, if I got home and there was no alcohol I wouldn’t make a special trip out to get some unless we were having a dinner party with guests or something. Also, if your DH goes to a restaurant and has a drink he’s saying he wants to have additional drinks at home on those nights. How does he know he will feel like having another beverage on those nights? It sounds like his desire to drink is always present and he just has relatively good self control. I know for my DH and I, the desire to drink is not always there, it’s really hit or miss and depends on where we are etc.

Post # 40
Member
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Your husband sounds like a functioning alcoholic.

Post # 41
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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lisacakes001:  Daughter of an alcoholic here, and cousin of suicidal alcoholic cousin who’s mom (my mom’s sister) is also an alcoholic… and grand daughter of an alcoholic and (honestly, fill in any familial connection on my mom’s side, except my dad and brother).  There was some sort of traumatic incident when my mom was a kid… and it has had a hugely negative impact on our lives, and they all turned to alcohol to cope as therapy was something “shamefull”. 

Your husband is excessively drinking, but also both hiding, and then telling you about drinking.  To me, it sounds like he’s asking for help, but what he needs to understand is that he needs to the change, and that you can’t be the police.  The good thing is that he’s stated he wants to change! That’s really great, and if he is serious, I would ask him to talk to a therapist… you mentioned his parents, and that drinking makes him feel guilty because of them.  I do believe that in many cases, alcohol abuse is the sign of a larger issue, and the right therapist can help there.  I gave my family as an example above because I often felt like your husband (shame, guilt) even if I had 2 beers during one week.  Addiction and alcoholism can be genetic, but if there was any sort of traumatic event in your husband’s parents lives, then a therapist can help guide him, and help him understand the guilt and underlying reasons for his alcohol abuse.

Post # 42
Member
12 posts
Newbee

Withdrawing from alcohol can cause health issues as extreme as seizures (although I can’t say whether your husband’s drinking is that extreme because I don’t know him personally), so make sure he gets help with the best method for his amount of use. Seek counseling or see a physician for his substance abuse to get on the right track. Even if withdrawal for him doesn’t cause any serious side effects, having counseling sessions with someone who specializes in substance abuse could be helpful with getting and staying sober. I wish you the best of luck with this, OP. 

Post # 43
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I have known a few drunks in my life, and it never gets better on its own, only worse. It is imperative that he see his doctor, and a doctor who is an addiction specialist.

Him saying that he drinks to get drunk is more than a red flag.

Post # 44
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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lisacakes001:  Ugh, I used to be with someone who drank too much. I really hate alcohol, so it bothered me more than the average person. Now I’m with someone who doesn’t/can’t drink bc he’s an addict in recovery. 

I’ve learned that there is a difference between abusing alcohol and being an alcoholic. Is he powerless over alcohol? 

You could check out an ala-non meeting to see if anything resonates. Alcoholic or not, I don’t think you can manage his drinking habits. Only he can do that. 

Post # 45
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I think we can safely say that he’s crossed the line into alcoholism. If he’s keeping the drinking a secret from you, that is the biggest red flag.

I’m a recovering binge drinker/situational alcoholic going on 35 days of sobriety. I always drank when I was stressed or bored or at parties, sometimes when I couldn’t get my hands on it I would crave it, and I would almost never stop until I was completely trashed. I never got violent, just obnoxious, but even that was extreme enough to disconcert anyone around me at the time. My drinking tapered down a lot after my fiance came into the picture but it wasn’t until I realized that I was still falling into the trap of drinking when I was bored or stressed that I realized that I have a problem. I was in denial about it for a while because there were times when I wouldn’t touch it for weeks or only have it once a month, but the last time I gave into the urge to drink because I was angry was all it took to make me finally give it up.

I think talking to a counselor would be his best bet for getting help because I don’t think his friends really understand what’s going on. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by stcott.

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