Post # 1
Me and my husband just celebrated our first year anniversary. Just today I found few messages on his phone ( i was looking for some address in one of his friend’s messages and came across really hearbreaking messages of him to random girls). I knew that he watches porn once in a while and i am completely ok with that. The thing i did not know was he finds these numbers from random escort websites and messages them asking for their service charge. I found out he does this couple of times a month. His messages included asking for their service charge, then saying few dirty things he wants to do with them and then cancelling the plan by saying I gottta cancel can’t make it.
when i confronted him his explaination was all these messages were just for time pass. he never did anything and he hasnt cheated on me. I cried for hours since I could not believe he could do something like this. according to him he messages these girls just to get excited. I find it really hard to believe. on the other hand all his messages did include cancelling in the end.
i am very sad and confused. I never thought he could even think of doing something like this. for me even if he hasnt slept around, i feel he has still cheated on me by sending those messages. I love him so very much and I can not think of giving him divorce or anything. Is there anyone who can help me advice in this situation ? i can not really talk about it to friends or family. I am in DESPERATE need of help.
Post # 3
@confusedandsad: Yeah…. it depends on what you consider to be cheating. Me? I’d have kicked him in the crotch and been done.
Post # 4
If you feel cheated i would explain that to him
id also set some new rules for you both or him?
thats really out of order and sucks 🙁 im sorry
but the best thing you can do IMO is
discuss how bad it makes you feel and ask him to stop as it hurts you so much.
hope this helps
Post # 5
Hrm, if all you saw was him cancelling in the end, then he probably has never taken the next step. I don’t REALLY consider this cheating, but I don’t think it’s acceptable either. I think it’s disgusting that he needs to message strange girls to get excited and I think it’s a cop out. He has some other problem that I’m not sure what it is, but he needs to get to the root of that problem and fix it. Sorry, I don’t have much more advice than that. :/
Post # 6
I think it completely depends on what you consider to be cheating. Seeing as though you’re so upset over the messages, I’d say that for you this is cheating. I think you need to let your hubby know that this behavior is very hurtful and disrespectful and it has to stop. maybe you two need to have a conversation about what you both feel is appropriate behavior within your marriage to ensure you’re both on the same page and eliminate any gray areas that many hurt either of you in the future.
im sorry you’re going through this!!
Post # 7
@confusedandsad: First and foremost, I see you are NEW to WBee… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”
Sorry to hear of your troubles (( HUGS ))
For me, this is the definition of emotional cheating…
When you are interacting inappropriately with someone else behind your SO’s back… doing stuff you would otherwise not want them to know, or be embarassed if they found out.
I have NO PROBLEM with filmed porn, I do have a problem with interactive porn… because it takes the user from being in a static situation to having real live contact with someone else about their jollies (genitalia stimulation, live chat, etc)
IMO your Hubby has crossed the line
If this happened to me, my choices would be one of two possibilities…
1- Leave him because of his inappropriate conduct (I’d put this in the Amoral Behavior category vs Adultry cause he actually has had sexual contact with her. In so much also as I’m guessing he doesn’t equate it “see” it as being wrong. And therein lies the issue)
2- Get his butt into counselling with you to address this issue, and how it is affecting your Marriage. And IF he wants the marriage, then he needs to see, and understand the issue, and give it up totally.
Hope this helps,
Post # 8
Cheating means different things to different people. I think he honestly didn’t mean to hurt you, but he did and you’re uncomfortable with this behavior. If you guys have a loving, mature relationship you should be able to sit down and talk about the details about what each of you consider cheating/unacceptable behavior.
Post # 9
@confusedandsad: Did you intend to post this 3 times?
Sounds like a bad situation. You two need to have a serious chat! I would not be ok with that either.
Post # 10
@confusedandsad: I don’t know if it’s cheating as in, going out and having sex with another person, since you said all the messages ended in cancellation. But I think it’s dishonest and kind of gross, honestly, and you have every right to be upset about it. I think it’s time to have a serious conversation about it, about your expectations of boundaries, and what you feel comfortable with and what you don’t. If the line of cheating for you is “having interactions with another human being that are overtly sexual” — cybersex, live cam girls, texting escorts, etc — but pornography is fine, that’s a line you need to discuss. Our partners can’t read our minds, and unless we tell them what is okay with us and what isn’t, it leads to nasty grey areas like this one, where you feel hurt and he obviously didn’t find anything wrong with his behaviour.
This might also be a thing to take to a couple’s counsellor over, especially if your talking the subject over isn’t really productive. That would give you a neutral, confidential third party to work things out with, face to face, and will give your husband a chance to be heard, too, which is critical to getting these things worked out. Good luck, and I hope it works out for you.
Post # 11
It doesn’t sound like he’s cheated, but it sounds like a symptom of a serious issue.
I’m curious to know if this is a new thing or if it’s something he’s done for a while. If it’s happened since before you were together, he might have had some sort of weird sexual addiction he’s been hiding from you. He might be “hooked” on the tease of getting in touch with these women. If so, it’ll be hard to shake this habit. If this is a more recent thing, I find it more concerning. You guys need to have an honest talk and figure out what his motivations are for this. It may or may not be fixable.
Post # 12
There is no vagueness here for me. Your husband is reaching out to live woman in order to get off.
He is not having intercourse with them. Yet.
but let’s turn this around. Would he feel a okay with you reaching out to a real man in order to request something dirty, because you need this to get off? Is it okay because you cancel it at the last minute? What’s the cutoff? Only people you didn’t know?
Sounds like he needs more and more to stimulate him and that’s troubling. Where does this end, and can you feel secure and trust him if he doesn’t stop doing this?
some will say you are being insecure and this is no biggie. I say that’s up to you to determine. For me, this would be a deal breaker for a variety of reasons.
ETA if he really doesn’t know this isn’t okay unless you tell him, as has been suggested, he has bigger problems. Thats some smooth talking at work. You are not responsible for his character failings or sexual addictions. Just like its not your job to warn an alcoholic not to drink that 12 th drink or else it’s your fault for not informing them of the rules, no adult needs to be told it is wrong to contact escorts to request sexual favors when you’re married.
Post # 13
You know, if when he was confronted with this, he would have turned around, cried his face off in regret and admitted he was having a serious problem, I could see working on it.
The fact that he played it off like it’s no big deal it unexcusable. He’s testing the waters.
I don’t know if I could stay with someone being shady like that behind my back. If he was remorseful that’s one thing, but he’s clearly not.
Personally, I think you deserve better than that. I would be moving out for now. Unless he decided to be honest and start sme serious counseling, I would not be holding out for him.
Post # 14
How long before he would’ve actually pulled the trigger and actually slept with them? It sounds like you caught it before it actually happened.
I personally would have a serious chat with him. I’d seek counseling for myself to deal with my own emotions in coping with this as well.
I wish you good luck, and I’m so sorry to hear of your heartbreak.
After you work through this issue, I think you owe it to yourselves to go on a vacation together alone to rebuild intimacy and trust in each other.
Post # 15
Time for some SERIOUS marriage counseling!
Obviously you don’t want to end the marriage, but if he won’t go or relapses, better to get out early!
Post # 16
@confusedandsad: This is confusing and sad 🙁 On the one hand, he is NOT cheating on you, not even on an emotional level, this is just something that men do and honestly he could be doing it on chat websites and you would never come across it.
The issues is-does it stop just at the texting/chatting? If so, then I think I would focus on what a great man I have and I might try to send him dirty texts so that he would want to dirty text other women less. You need to be careful though, if you let him know that this is acceptable, he might try and see what else he can get away with.
Hugs, good luck, and I’m sure it will be okay 🙂