Post # 1
Me and my husband just celebrated our first year anniversary. Just today I found few messages on his phone ( i was looking for some address in one of his friend’s messages and came across really hearbreaking messages of him to random girls). I knew that he watches porn once in a while and i am completely ok with that. The thing i did not know was he finds these numbers from random escort websites and messages them asking for their service charge. I found out he does this couple of times a month. His messages included asking for their service charge, then saying few dirty things he wants to do with them and then cancelling the plan by saying I gottta cancel can’t make it.
when i confronted him his explaination was all these messages were just for time pass. he never did anything and he hasnt cheated on me. I cried for hours since I could not believe he could do something like this. according to him he messages these girls just to get excited. I find it really hard to believe. on the other hand all his messages did include cancelling in the end.
i am very sad and confused. I never thought he could even think of doing something like this. for me even if he hasnt slept around, i feel he has still cheated on me by sending those messages. I love him so very much and I can not think of giving him divorce or anything. Is there anyone who can help me advice in this situation ? i can not really talk about it to friends or family. I am in DESPERATE need of help.
Post # 3
I would be really mad if my SO did that to me. He disrespected YOU and your marriage. If you don’t plan on breaking it off, then you need to go to counseling to talk everything out with someone who can mediate your conversations. Why isn’t he talking to you to get excited? You are his wife and you should be who he looks to for excitement. While I personally don’t care if he watches porn, CONTACTING someone to have sex is a huge issue. Please think carefully and go get some professional help! I’m so sorry you’re going through this! ((HUGS))
Post # 4
I believe what he is saying, since you said he cancelled. But personally I wouldn’t be cool with what he’s doing. I agree that if it’s not something you’re OK with (as I don’t think most people would be) you two should probably get some counseling.
Post # 5
Whether he is getting off on porn without contacting someone or he is getting off via texts (provided that he really intended to take it no further), he is getting off without you being involved. Are you cool with not being directly involved in your husband’s sexual excitement? Are you okay with porn because he has not contacted these women?
If you and your husband are cool with him being excited by porn, you should also bear in mind that this could open the door for other means of similar excitement and when porn becomes dull, he might seek more direct means of engaging in the thrill porn and dirty texting provided.
Post # 6
@confusedandsad: Get him to therapy – now. He needs to know that this is serious and not ok, and maybe having a third neutral party there will help.
This is no way to treat you. It’s well beyond a standard guy looking at porn.
Post # 7
Since he cancels the service he’s probably not physically cheating on you, but I still find it icky and over the line. You need to tell him that you don’t find it appropriate and that from this point on any contact to escorts will be a dealbreaker for you. You also might want to get a professional therapist involved to help facilitate this conversation.
Post # 8
the messaging is very wrong. just because he did not ” go through with it” doesnt mean he didnt cheat. to me, this is serious cheating. and i would be seriously worried about him and protitutes. i think people who use or think about using prostitutes need help. you MAKE him go to counseling. and so should you, to help you get through this. this is something you guys can beat, if HE wants to. I can tell you want to. but only if he will get help and stop doing what he is doing. what he is doing is VERY wrong, please dont let him tell you that you are overreacting or that it was no big deal. this IS a very big deal. good luck dear!
Post # 9
I believe him. I think this is a kind of weird fantasy thing some guys do – I’ve heard of it before, usually on omegle or craigslist, they contact women, make plans, imagine doing it, and then cancel because they never really intended to go through with it in the first place.
I’d ask him to stop, but understand that it was similar to porn and was probably not leading to cheating. As long as he said he understood that it bothered me and he’d stick to regular porn and not do it again, I’d drop it. (And probably snoop intermittently in the future to make sure.)
If he did it after that, THEN we’d have an issue. But try not to make a mountain out of a molehill here, OP.
@glitter86: Are you really NOT okay with your husband ever getting off without your involvement?
Post # 10
How would he feel if he found texts you wrote to a male escort? I presented this to SO and he said it’s cheating or on its way to cheating,but definitely ” emotionally cheating”.
Everytime I’ve seen this sort of situation, the guy had a problem with needing more and more to get off.that doesn’t mean this is true for your guy, but it would concern me. Can you trust him if he doesn’t change? Do you feel safe and intimate with him, enough to say he’s the person you would choose to have your back? You found these things, he didn’t tell you about them. That’s a lot of hidden stuff going on. Counseling is in order if you choose to try to work this out.
Post # 11
@confusedandsad: Your husband has a serious intimacy issue in knowing & upholding was is & isn’t appropriate. He may not be physically cheating on you, but he most certainly isn’t honoring you, himself, or the intimcay of your marriage! Much like an addict of hard drugs can’t drink or take prescribed drugs your husband most likely shouldn’t have anythign to do with pornography or anything that would allow him to deviate from intimacy being between you & him. He needs help & if he cannot be completely transparent about his doings then it could be very difficult for you two to move past this as a strong couple as opposed ones in a marriage without trust or true intimacy. I’m so sorry you’re going through this & I really hope that your husband can break his issue! XXX Church has some wonderful resouces & even has a browser/app you can install on your phone(s) & your computers that monitors sites & will send any questionable content to a chosen accountability partner (it can be you but should likely be another man/counselor that can help him). GL.. I truly hope you two can get through this!
@Bebealways: I know the question was directed toward @glitter86 but yes, I am not okay with my husband taking his need for sexual gratification & intimacy and fulfilling it himself.
Post # 12
@runsyellowlites: I’m really genuinely curious about this, no snark intended, it’s a lifestyle that seems really alien and I’m sort of intrigued… What if you go away to visit your family for a week? He doesn’t get to have a single orgasm the whole week? Even if he just uses his imagination and thinks of you? Who controls the schedule? Do you ever turn him down or do you make a policy of avoiding doing that? (Whatever you’re comfortable answering is fine, ignore anything you’re not.)
It might be an actual dealbreaker for me if my FH said “you may not get off without me.” And I’d probably just do it behind his back anyway. (He’s said the same, jokingly, “I was a teenage boy in a conservative catholic house with nine people and no bedroom of my own and I managed… you think you can catch me?”)
Post # 13
XXX Church has some wonderful resouces & even has a browser/app you can install on your phone(s) & your computers that monitors sites & will send any questionable content to a chosen accountability partner (it can be you but should likely be another man/counselor that can help him)
What is the point if being in a relationship if you have to monitor your spouse? No trust?
If my fiancé saw the porn I watched, I’m sure he wouldn’t be ok with it. I’ve been watching porn for a long time now and wouldn’t be ok with someone telling me what could and couldn’t get me off.
Do you really think your husband doesn’t jerk off?
if he isn’t continuing the conversations with these girls, and he isn’t going through with it…I say let him do it.
Post # 14
@Bebealways: DH & I both agree that is something that is between us only. We’ve both gone without in times, but I am very aware of his need as a man & try to make it a priority. With 2 kids, 1 being biologically his there have definitely been times that have spanned longer than either of us would really desire. Pregnancy, post partum, and a newborn/infant have a way of doing that. lol. He finds the act of him fulfilling that need himself as dishonoring despite it’s common acceptance so we both adhere to not. Now that’s not saying it’s never happened, but it’s not something that either of us accept as okay.
Post # 15
@Bebealways: If my fiancé told me that it would be a deal breaker too.
Post # 16
Definitely counseling – I would seek some form of therapy from a neutral 3rd party. If he won’t go with you – I would go alone but tell him he will come eventually with you. Leave it as a “You will come with me to the therapist one day, no if’s and’s or buts about it” Tell him you love him but this is a major blow and breach of trust and your security has been shut down, he’s not your safe place to land right now, like he use to be. He wrecked that and you need time to get that back – slowly work him into the therapy. He needs it more than you. Sorry your going thru this, I can’t imagine the pain.