Post # 1
I probably don’t know most of you because I got married a little over 5 years ago. I am back here, however, because I really trust this community and value your opinion. I need some advice tonight quite badly.
About two weeks ago, I found some texts on my husband’s phone, that he had kept hidden from me, to a female co-worker, Jill (not her real name). Basically, he told her he “couldn’t wait to see her,” and that “he would feel so much better when get got to see her.” He admitted it was flirty and inappropriate, and that he shouldn’t have sent the texts but strongly insisted everything was platonic between them.
Fast forward to tonight, husband has a work meeting (that’s legit, they have Sunday night meetings on a quarterly basis) and some people usually go to a nearby bar after the meeting, which is also typical. I text him to see who all is there and he tells me he is at the bar with Jill (and a couple of other people).
Husband doesn’t think this is a big deal because they were in a group and he told me she was there when I asked. I am really upset because he was at a bar with a girl he had previously lied about flirting with and since I don’t trust him regarding Jill, I have no real idea if there was anyone else there, what happened while there, etc.
Would you consider this a breach of trust? What should I do? What would you do? Any and all feedback is much needed as I am feeling so alone right now and it’s too late to turn to anyone IRL. I hope there are some of you out there with some advice. Thanks so much in advance.
Post # 3
Hm. Cheating? No. Violation of trust? Yea. I think you need to talk to him about boundaries etc. *hugs*
Post # 4
@MarriedinMay: When a close relative of mine was cheating, he would say he was “with people from work” when he was really with 1 particular (female) person from work. I’m not saying that’s the case here, but you might want to press him on who the other people are.
Personally I think, if he’s been caught flirting and honestly sorry, he should be skipping after work drinks. He should see that the flirting was a major, major bad thing to do, and be working hard to make up for it.
“Sorry it’s time I was going home” is *always* a good excuse on a Sunday. Who wants to hang out with work people on a Sunday, for 1 second more than necessary? (Unless it’s everyone from the meeting, but it doesn’t sound like this is the case).
I’m sorry to say that I think at the least he is still actively flirting. Impossible to tell if it’s more.
Post # 5
Thanks so much for your feedback, Bees. It is much appreciated. I am just sitting here in the office, trying to stay awake because I don’t want to go in the bedroom with him right now. It’s been a while since I’ve felt so much mistrust.
Post # 6
I would try to get to the bottom of what he meant when he said that he can’t wait to see her? Was this going to be the two of them getting together alone out of work or did he mean can’t wait to see her at work? Did they have something planned? Sorry you are going through this.
Post # 7
@Vikstar: So, DH was off work for 3 weeks with kidney stones. He was miserable and in pain and had two surgeries for it, etc. He sent the messages about “being better when he sees her” at the end of these 3 weeks. The 3 weeks I spent caring for him around the clock, literally, so it feels like a total slap in the face.
I am not sure if they were planning on going out or something because she didn’t respond right away but when she did eventually respond she was heavily hinting she’d like to go out with him (my thought:if they haven’t been out already).
I hope I am overreacting but my gut says I’m not. Not sure what to do.
Thanks so much for the feedback.
Post # 8
There is really no way of knowing 100% if he cheated or not but as a married man it was very wrong of him to have any type of flirtatious exchange with anyone let alone someone in his place of employment. He sees this woman everyday all and I’m pretty sure she knows he is married, so basically this woman knows he is disrespecting his wife.
How could he ever ever in a million years think it is okay to socailize with this woman! in a group or not. He needs to understand that he messed up BIG TIME and now he has to do whatever it takes to make you feeel comfortable again. If that means that he has to skip the bar after his meetings or even go as far as getting a new job then oh freaking well! thats what he has to do.
If i were you i woud go wait for that “homewrecker” in the parking lot and give her a piece of my mind. At the end of the day its your husbands responsibilty to stay loyal to you but how dare she be so disrespectful!!!
I’m sorry that your going through this lots of hugs your way sweety, stay strong
Post # 9
@MarriedinMay: hhmmm. I definitely think there may be some emotional thing going on, which to me in a way is worse than physical…… I dunno if he means it or just likes the attention but I would be very cautious cos it’s definitely a red flag in my eyes. It’s never a good sign when that kinda things going on. Hugs to u I hope it works out!!! And your in the right to feel uncomfortable about him being with Jill. It’s disrespectful and rude to you.
Post # 10
Post # 11
- Wedding: February 2014 - Kentucky Center for the Performing Arts
Not trying to scare you or anything…but this sounds really familiar. A few months ago a friend’s husband was texting his female co-worker in a very similiar way. She also found out and asked he what was going on. Of course he denied that anything happened and said they were just friends. Well he ended up asking my friend for a divorce, said that he just wasn’t happy anymore. They just finalized the divorce and guess what…he’s now in a relationship with that co-worker that he was texting while he was married to my friend. Plus shes like 15 years younger than him. I am unsure if he slept with his co-worker before the divorce but there was definately an emotional affair going on. Anytime a man talks/texts another woman who is not his wife is in violation of not only trust but the marriage. And if you allow this to happen w/o having a sit-down chat with him, then you are going to be fooled and the next thing you know he will physically cheat. I’d be spitting fire if my man is at a bar with female co-worker, I don’t care who else is present…he’s probably giving her his undivided attention and that’s a heck no in my eyes. And the fact that he texts her that he would feel better once he sees her…heck no again! You need to have a serious chat and some counseling with him as soon as possible. He’s probably doing more than flirting. And her scanky behind probably knows he’s a married man.
Post # 12
@MarriedinMay: If I were you I would say nothing to him or his colleague and pay extra close attention to his behaviour. At this point if you want the truth you’re going to have to see if for yourself. Saying something now will only make him more careful.
Post # 13
Thanks for all the feedback. It is so very much appreciated. I’m just sick about this and trying to figure out how to proceed. We’ve been together 11 years. I don’t even want to think about how things would be without him. 🙁
Post # 14
Anything that makes you uncomofortable should end. We had a bit of a similiar situation, it’s a girl in a work thing they meet up with a whole group but she has expressed feelings toward him. DH is no longer in that after work group volunteer org and he dosen’t have contact with that person any longer. I think he needs to stop being around her for the simple reason it makes you uncomfortable. I don’t know if he’s cheating or not, but he should stop consorting with her because of how it makes you feel.
Post # 15
Emotional affairs are as bad or worse than physical ones. Personally, I’d sit him down and tell him this shit stops NOW. The texting stops immediately. She gets one final message from him stating that the behavior is inappropriate and he will no longer be accepting texts, calls or emails from her. Her # gets blocked, her email, FB, everything. And the bar trip after the meetings stop too. If he’s unwilling to do that, it’ll tell you a lot about how he really feels about this “platonic” relationship.
Post # 16
@MarriedinMay: If I were in your shoes right now I think I’d be calling Jill and getting to the bottom of it. I doubt your husband is going to tell you the truth. Yes, he will be furious at you if you contact her. Me, I wouldn’t care how mad he was, because he is behaving in a shady and inappropriate way. He is being disrespectful to your marriage.
Trust your gut.
Tell him you seriously want everything out on the table – NOW. You deserve some honesty here.