(Closed) Is my husband or the girl out of line?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

5pm til 4am is like 11 hours of 1 on 1 time (is it just the two of them?). That does seem excessive. I agree with you that he isn’t physically cheating (he wouldn’t be so obvious about it if he was and wouldn’t introduce you etc) but may be in danger of emotionally cheating. He might not even know that that is a thing, he might truly have convinced himself he’s just being a good friend. I think you should explain to him that it’s making you sad and that you’re concerned. Ask for marriage counselling and have the counsellor address the issue of emotional cheating. It may open his eyes. If it is emotional cheating it is much easier to stop it before it gets serious, and you can recover from it.

Post # 35
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I still say take it from scratch. Tell him you are not comfortable with her outside of work from now on.  Tell him you are not comfortable with him out with any women after XX:XX.  Tell him if he’s going to be out late, you would like an update so that you do not worry about him.

Men need things spelled out.  Women overthink/over-analyze EVERY thing.  Men don’t.  And men don’t really work on a “seems like” basis but on a “is” basis.  We women drive each other crazy.  An example I like to give let’s say you are talking with your husband and you’re telling him something very important and he turns his head a bit and seems lost in thought.  Your brain:  He doesn’t love me, he doesn’t think what’s important to me is important, etc.  His brain:  Oh, huge fly!  (that goes for both sexes).

Post # 37
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Then that’s different.  Time for a serious talk.  THAT you can get mad about right now.

Post # 38
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

By the way don’t talk to him about it right now, but after you’ve both slept.  Twice I’ve mentioned something I wanted to talk about too close to when it was bothering me and although neither time it turned into a fight I could have worded it better than I did.

Post # 40
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’m sorry you are dealing with this, bee. I hope by now he has arrived home.

Post # 43
Member
659 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. His actions are definitely not acceptable. Out drinking with a female colleague until 4am on a weekday? What, to discuss work? Do they love their career so much that they don’t need to even sleep? This won’t fly with me.

Post # 44
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Oh man 🙁 the ‘not letting you know where he is’ thing is something he knows of and has been talked to about so that’s a bit different. He’s going to be destroyed at work :/

Post # 45
Member
500 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

This is definitely inappropriate. I have always thought that a big part of being a faithful partner isn’t just how you handle temptation but trying to avoid getting in that situation altogether – so no overly emotionally close opposite-sex friendships, no crazy drunken nights out without the other one, no separate holidays etc. That sounds really harsh and controlling when I write it down like that but it really isn’t, we are both comfortable with it because it works for us.

Your husband needs to think about boundaries in your relationship because even if he isn’t cheating now (and may have no intention to, yet), things can quickly change if he’s not putting in the effort to maintain those boundaries.

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